so how was your year?

hoorah for my year-ender blog entry! compared to christmas eve, i am spending new year's eve peacefully, with no parties or pahabol shopping to mind. i am currently listening to instrumentals my dad got from my aunt. in fairness, the music adds to that emotional feeling you get as the year comes to a close.

so anyway, i was thinking of a nice and creative of summarizing my 2007. i would LOVE to tell everything that i've been through from january to december, but i figured that would be too boring to read and write anyway. hmmm, i'm not in the mood to write serious-and-straightforward sounding editorials either. never mind if this post be called conyotic. >:)

okay, what is the master plan for the post? still thinking honestly. i think as i write. so before i even get to my point, the words you read are pretty much adlib. ack, terrible.

IDEA! let's start.

THINGS I LEARNED FROM 2007 *praises myself for the good(?) idea*
first let us define learn. to learn means to understand, to discover, to rediscover and to acquire.

*winners don't always get trophies. because i felt really really bitter with losing the RSPC, i forced myself to believe that winning depends on who gets what. and since i didn't get any( and still not getting any), i thought i didn't fit for that kind of field. i badly wanted to be a writer because that was the only skill i thought i could learn to love, but noooo. manuel quezon took it away from me. anyhoo, i learned to let go of that bitterness of losing. although, i still don't have any trophy or a trophy shelf, i plan to get one soon. haha

*apply as much you can in different universities. forget how much you spend on the application forms because believe me, it pays to have different choices. don't mind how hard it would be to have choices, because the good thing is, is that you have choices. i remember how hard it was for me to decide which university to choose because each school has its own pro's and con's. and in the end, i believe i still made the right decision. however, i still daydream what it feels like if i were in up or dlsu. ateneo just doesn't seem to have it all. :-<

*mag hintay ng 5 or more minutes before you get hot water from the dispenser. okay, medyo lang nabobo ako during that time. how should i know water wouldn't be hot as soon as i press the hot water switch? ayun, my cup noodles got wasted because of that. simple lesson i should've learned easily, but didn't. there are more things i learned during college, bot simple and hard lessons. the simple ones are the identification and classification of leaves and tissues, the harder lessons are those i learn outside school. along katipunan area, in the LRT or in other places around quezon city.

*you don't compare high school with college. sometimes it's very easy to say that 'colleege is like high school, awww' because it never was, never is and never will. i love both and i can't really say which one is better 'cause they're two different things.

*homesickness is a choice. i know, weird. i am a weird person myself. people keep on asking me if i miss my family in batangas or if i wish i was home instead of staying in katipunan alone. it was my choice. i chose to stay because i know i can survive. maybe not sruvive without my family, but survive homesickness. i would be too apathetic to say that i don't miss home because i DO, very much. but i know that i should learn how to live by my own and that's what i chose. if i can survive homesickness, i can conquer many others.

*internet is bad bad bad. but i can't resist : there are nights when my plans of studying are delayed or better yet, abandoned because i couldn't stop myself from using my laptop and surfing the net for senseless stuff or chatting in ym. instead of studying for long tests, i would play online games or stalk people (oops), and before i know it, it's sleeping time already. tsk tsk tsk.

*friends (and lovers) come and go. HAHA, singit lang yun lovers. friends go and still come back. i found it very hard to make new friends now that i'm in college because i can't really tell how i should move or react to something, but thankfully i made good friends. yay. as for the lovers, hmmm. singit lang talaga. pero crushes do come and then after two weeks, they wear off. time to find a new one! hahaha.

*college isn't the best chance to meet somebody. and by somebody, i meant the opposite sex. ehem ehem. strike that 'college is the perfect moment to meet your dream guy'. it would be an understatement to say that college has cute guys in store. the real deal is finding the right one, because it is never easy to find THE guy. besides, when in college, you'd rather focus on getting to the DL rather than hunting for men. (yeah right, i'm lying here haha)

*vulnerability. vulnerability to everything and not just to the opposite sex. vulnerability to new beginnings and new people. i find it very hard to let my guard down for something. i am afraid to be vulnerable only because i don't want to risk my emotions on something. nonetheless, 2007 taught me that i can never keep my walls up. time would come that i have let my hair down and let everything flow on its own.

*it really is just a small world. i don't want to elaborate this so much. HAHA. it would just be too weird. college opened doors for more people to come together and meet others you didn't know was a friend of a friend of a friend. before you know it, each one of us has this invisible string attached to everyone else. cool right?

*projection is the word. i loved this idea so much i'm reiterating it. A likes B but projects this feeling by saying that B likes C when in fact A likes B pala. cool cool noh? i wish it's just projection that could explain this feeling. :(

*hopeless romantics are universal. because whatever school you come from, there is always a hopeless romantic in you and you can never deny it. Yay for the HR's. :D

*learning how to fly never stops.


since i have made a pretty long post already, i figured i would suspend the 'things i want to learn in 2008' part for the next post. ahihihi. 'til next year! and i wish everyone of you a

HAPPY 2008!

... Enjoy the year and live it with love. Big huuuug. :D

'how was 2007?' survey

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
Go to college? Haha.
Cut my hair super short. (and actually like it)
Commute alone from Batangas to QC and vice versa.
Learn how to breaststroke :))

2. Where did you study/ work?
Studied in Ateneo and Lozada Swim School

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
If it’s a batchmate, is that considered “close”?

4. Did anyone close to you die?
I don’t think so?

5. What countries did you visit?
HK second time around :P

6. Did you move anywhere?
Moved to Katipunan for college

7. What sporting events did you go to?
UAAP games, almost every ateneo vs. la salle game :))

8. What concerts did you go to?
None :( I badly wanted to go to the FOB concert, but nooo.

9. Who was your Valentine in 2007?
None also. :( it wasn’t such a big deal anyway. HAHA

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
illness, none I guess? Injury, nadapa ako and then ruined my pants. :))

11. What was your best month?
October, sem break :D

12. Where did most of your money go?
school, shopping and Christmas presents

13. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
OrSem
Graduation of High School
Sem Break

14. What song will always remind you of 2007?
Umbrella – Rihanna
Heels over Head – Boys Like Girls
Infinity on High Album – Fall Out Boy

15. What did you do on the 4th of July?
School I think. :))

16. What were the best...

* books you read?
Train Man
Shopaholic & Baby

* movies you saw?
High School Musical 2
One more Chance :”>
Transformers
Serendipity (I am so late)

* CDs you listened to?
I don’t buy CDs, I download :))


17. What do you wish you'd done more of?
sleep
go home
not cram

18. What do you wish you'd done less of?
eat
overanalyze everything
cry over a mistake

19. How will you be spending Christmas?
in my case, “spent”. Our family went to Tagaytay. Stopped by at Sonya’s Garden and then ate lunch at Antonio’s. Church visit to the Pink Sisters and then crepe merienda at Café Breton. :)) FUUUUN

20. Did you fall in love in 2007?
Should I call it love? HAHA. Had lots of crushes though. Kilig. :P

21. How many one-night stands?
NONE, never.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
I forgot how to enjoy TV. :( But TV series, Prison Break. :x

23. Compared to this time last year, are you:

* happier or sadder?
happier

* thinner or fatter?
fatter :((

* richer or poorer?
richer and then poorer by the end of the year. :))

24. What was your favorite summer memory of 2007?
Spending Good Friday in a BEACH. Hahaha. After more than 10 years, I saw sand and salty water again. And oh, overcoming my fear of the pool. I can swim much better now. Yay. :D

25. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Nothing special. Turned seventeen last June 3.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I discovered trance for my depression nights
Michael Buble :P

27. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Wentworth Miller, Simon Atkins and Chris Tiu :”>

28. Who was the best new person you met?
My Blockmates. I heart Block Y :D

29. Where were you when 2007 began and who were you with?
At home with my family of course

30. What are your plans for 2008?
Celebrate my 18^th birthday in NY or in Australia
Do better in school
Have more time for myself
Be friendlier :D
Get drunk =)) =)) kidding
Join a sector based org
Go somewhere alone, anywhere will do really

on happiness and the other things in between

Randy David’s column yesterday in The Inquirer talks of how Filipinos stay happy despite of the problems we continue to face each day. He said that it was a distinctive trait that we all possess compared to other cultures. I wish to believe that what he stated was true, that Filipinos remain jolly no matter what condition we are in. But seeing Kambas ng Lipunan video two weeks ago made me think otherwise. Could it be that what David explained in his column speaks for the upper class alone? To see the kids in the short film forced me to say that not everyone is happy, not everyone is capable of surviving and not everyone will be happy this Christmas. Filipinos may have managed to crack jokes or smile despite their problems, but those things do not necessarily mean they are happy. Maybe they were only means of escaping, even for a while, their harsh reality, but not to make things better. Where is happiness there?

***

It’s only two days before Christmas and I can’t feel it coming yet. The air isn’t as cold as before. Something changed. Something seemed to be missing, but I cannot figure out what it is. Nonetheless, I am forcing the whole joyous Christmas spirit into my system. What’s Christmas without being happy right? And the happy issue once again. I wonder how happiness really feels; are surveys and statistics enough to say that I am happy and you are not? I tried answering the Happy Index and got a fairly average rate for a Filipino. Different cultures have their own different happiness-es, and if I am not mistaken, the Philippines have one of the highest rates compared to other third world countries. Anyway, the survey doesn’t speak for everyone and may not be as true as it says it is.

***

Have a happy Christmas everyone! And as we open our presents on Christmas morning, may we all remember that there are more people out there who do not have gifts to open or a noche Buena to share. (Sorry, I had to include the last sentence, for the sake of a socially aware Christmas HAHA)

i am emo (?)

Got this from MaryAnne. :)) :)) this survey consumed my 10-minute break from my fil essay.

RICH KID
[ ] You go tanning.
[x] You own a cell phone.
[ ] You own something from coach
[ ] You own something from chanel
[ ] You own something from juicy couture
[ ] You own something from louis vuitton
[x] You love/like going to the mall.
[x] You own an iPod/MP3 player.
[x] You love Starbucks. (on a lower level probably :p)
[ ] You have been called a brat.
[ ] You have tons of shoes
[ ] You hate buying things that are on sale
[x] You have more than one house
Total: 5

[GOTHIC]
[ ] Black is one of your favorite colors.
[x] You have thought about death.
[ ] You wear chains.
[ ] You like heavy metal
[ ] You've shopped at Hot Topic.
[ ] You have worn black lipstick.
[x] Your hair was/is dark. stupid question
[ ] You DISlike preps.
[ ] You're an athiest/ satanist.
[ ] You have/want piercings. NO piercings please
Total: 3

[PUNK]
[ ] You can skateboard.
[ ] You wear plaid.
[x] You like Converse.
[ ] You hate MTV.
[x] You have/had/want blue, pink, red, purple, or green hair. i secretly wondered how my hair would look if it were blue
[x] You love/like skater girls/boys. yeah, they're cool. posers, not!
[ ] You dislike pink.
[ ] You hate preps.
[x] You wear/wore skateboarding shoes.
Total: 4

[GEEK]
[x] You love the computer. it's a basic need.
[ ] You like Star Wars. i haven't watched a single movie of it
[x] You are supposed/wore/wear to wear glasses
[ ]You get straight A's. :((
[x] You love/like reading.
[ ] You don't care what you look like.
[x] You have a curfew. minor + good kid :>
[ ] You always do your homework. always?
[x] You never miss school unless your sick.
Total: 5

[EMO]
[x] You are depressed sometimes. often :|
[ ] You have black-rimmed glasses. gray ones
[x] You like the band Thursday. understanding in a car crash :x
[x] You cry easily. i cry almost everytime i write.
[x] You like emo music. more than half of my songs are emo. :))
[ ] You hate being called emo.
[x] You keep/kept a journal/diary.
[ ] You have written a sad poem ain't poetic enough
[ ] You have/had a sad MySpace/Friendster layout.
[x] you think emo kids are hot Pete Wentz is hot :D
Total: 6

[GHETTO/GANGSTA]
[ ] You like rap. it's pointless if you ask me
[ ] you are in a gang
[ ] You wear rubberbands in your pants.
[x] You swear a lot. i can't help it. :|
[ ] You have had a freestyle battle.
[ ] You have worn converse with the tongue flipped out.
Total: 1

[HARDCORE]
[ ] You like loud music
[ ] You love the Ninja Turtles!
[ ] You never walk anywhere.
[x] You wear slip-on shoes.
[ ] You love Norma Jean.
[ ] You wear band t-shirts. i have one, but haven't worn it yet :)
[ ] People have called you a freak and meant it.
[ ] "hardcore" dance
[ ] Your hair has been dyed more than one color.
[x] You wear blue jeans. blue jeans = hardcore?
Total: 2

[PREP]
[ ] You love The OC one tree hill is love
[ ] You have/want/had a tiny/medium sized dog. i don't like pets. :(
[ ] Your usual outfits consist of bright colors.
[x] You like buying shoes
[ ] You shop at American Eagle
[x] You love/like to shop.
[x] You love jeans.
[ ] you love paris hilton
[x] Getting your nails done is a fun thing. FUUUUN :))
[x] you wear big sunglasses. i have a pair. jumped into the bandwagon.
Total: 5

[Athletic]
[ ] You watch the Superbowl.
[x] You own track shoes or other sports related shoes.
[ ] You collect your/others jerseys.
[ ] You have/had had a special shelf for trophies and awards. i don't even have one HAHA
[ ] You have posters or plaques of famous athletes.
[ ] Your garage/shed consists of sports equipment.
[ ] You belong/belonged to a school team.
[ ] You are going/did go to a sports summer camp.
[x] You have a specific number preferred for your jersey.
Total: 2

ponder

this picture opened me to the inevitable reality of how life has been a misery to most people, that they'd rather die than to live in hunger.

under the stars

15 is tonight's magic digits. under the stars, lying on a thin manila paper while being slowly eaten by mosquitoes, i saw 15 shooting stars. 15 white streaks of light flashed before me. after lying down on the itchy grass of SoM field, everything fell into place when the stars started to appear. the coldness or the company or the time or the homework no longer mattered, it was only the stars and my list of wishes that mattered tonight.


they said that to reveal one's wish would ruin the whole idea of the wish. i don't want to risk this thought by blurting out my wishes. i only had two wishes for tonight, one for myself and another one for the short film i saw today. both wishes seemed far off and nearly impossible. however, the former makes me smile whenever i say it in my mind while the latter depresses me even more. i asked for a sign after the 14th star that if another one comes, a nearly perfect shooting star, both wishes will come true. and subtly, the 15th appeared before my eyes only. i was relieved. i am counting on to that sign that my wishes would be fulfilled because it would be too painful for both wishes not to come true.


it was my first experience. i once envied my friend for seeing six shooting stars, but God heard me and gave me 15 stars for 15 wishes. to have 15 different wishes is too selfish. i chose to have only two strong wishes, that way, more chances for them to come true. (labo)


the coffee i had before going home is slowly sinking in, drowning all my energy. i am more than ready to sleep. but before i close my eyes, thank you kenji for the company. it felt like it was not to have a boyfriend as long as someone like you is always there to be a friend. awww. huuug.

ALL i want for christmas

because i don't want to end up having information overload, i decided to take a break from studying for my Zoology Lab LT and thought of my own christmas wish list. Yay! you have no idea how excited i am right now, i want everything! but sadly, no matter how much i want everything, i end up with almost none of the things i asked for. what's christmas without getting the stuff you want? anyway...

~iPod Nano. the sort of green one would be nice, but i'm still looking for the red one (if there is one like that). i am not so sure if that was a Nano or a Video.


~Seafoam shirt. i got so addicted with shirts bought online that i saw this really cool brand on multiply, seafoam fashion. it has those statement shirts in large fonts, the ones you usually see in AMA fairs. i want one! or two! or three!


~ODM watch, super Pinoy version. i've been wanting one for months, but still, i can't seem to save enough money to buy that watch. besides, it looks overpriced for a rubber made (?) watch.


~a new backpack. because my blockmates have been teasing me on how big my bag is. i want a new one, preferrably a JanSport.


~JACKET. it's the number one thing i want for this christmas. a hoodie would be nice, but a trench coat would be better. (who the hell wears a trench coat?!) i want one! i want one! even though i've been having this stupid "disease" of sweating like hell for the past days.


~nail polish. i want new acrylic colors. the face shop has the best colors i've seen. but but, nail art sounds cooler. :P


~books. i want to start a new collection. i want to collect all haruki murakami books.


~"downgraded" laptop. my laptop is killing me! i have to sleep late just to wait for my laptop to load. it lags every five seconds, thus doubling the time it takes me to finish my work.


~staedtler pens. they're so expensive! :( 33 pesos for a single pen. but i need those pens for my zoo lec.


more to come. HAHAHA.


*EDIT*


~Starbucks oreo cheesecake. i want happy food. :( because my days have been so screwed up, i want to make myself happy. :-<


~Finish the Simbang Gabi. i just realized that i've never actually completed any Simbang Gabi. i want to make a wish and make that wish come true.


sorry, my day has been so sucky i just wanted to vent. i want to be happy for christmas.

20 things to 20 people

i know this thing has long worn off already, but i felt like i wanted to do it anyway.

20 things you want to tell 20 people. i don't want to give hints, since that would ruin the whole point of the game, right? here goes.

1. i miss you guys so much. i may have days when i couldn't reply to your messages or IM you, but i hope these indifferent-sounding actions would not let us fall apart. there are days when i wished i was with you guys rather than being alone, but i know it's not as easy as i wished it to be.

2. the everyday good morning messages are my little signs that i miss you and that i want to go home. every message i send means a lot to me. i am not that sure if they mean the same thing to you.

3. i saw you grow up from an innocent baby to an annoying brat. and yet i wish you'd stay young forver, because i don't want to see you having crushes or getting kilig over the opposite sex or crying over an exam. i wish you could stay young and never go through the pains i had before.

4. we are only 40 minute train ride from each other and yet we've never had even dinner together, or a trip to the mall. i thought once i went to manila. we'd spend more time together and make up for the lost time, but we never did. stay safe, i can never watch over you all the time.

*okay, so this post is getting emotional and cheesy. apologies. :P*

5. you were part of my past that i would never look back to, ever. you were a mistake. >:)

6. i can never forget the way you treated me before. *yes, i am angry.* you were one of the reasons my childhood didn't work out so well. i promised myself i would never greet you even if i pass by you every so often.

7. and i thought we could never bring it back to normal. i thank God for bringing us together again. it was not plain coincidence, but fate. big huuuug for you.

8. i know it's not ok, but sooner or later it will be. time is the only indicator of how things will turn out. all you can do is hold on. there are people around you who love you and are waiting for you to hug them and to cry on their shoulder. i'm one of them. i know it's hard to forget what happened, but he doesn't want you to forget either. he wants you to remember him and the closeness you two once had. i love you. :)

9. the one-million dollar question, where do you guys eat? =)) =)) okay, weird. but i really want to know. i want to be friends with you guys, but i just can't because i don't know how.

10. i'm laughing about you now. i still couldn't get over the fact that i was head over heels obssessed with you. are you really that cute? HAHAHA. landi. anyway, got over you now. you got older. :P

11. hindi ka bading, hindi ako papayag. :((

12. despite how stressed i get over the things you make me do, thank you. because you gave me the chance to be something other than a nerd.

13. i just wanted to decide on my own, why is it such a big deal to all of you? is it because yo cannot get over the fact that i'm on my way to achieve something you never got?

14. i still have no idea what you mean to me. there are days when i like you and days that i just don't know. i wish that someday, you will surprise me. :-<

15. sometimes, i just wanted to leave you only because i'm getting tired of seeing you.

16. i want to meet you again and see if there can be something, anything. because i still hang on to the hope that you are my dream guy. *daydream*

17. please don't be dense. and please be man enough to accept whatever you would later on hear. you are both my friends and i don't want any of you to get hurt.

18. i need a hug. it has been years since you last gave me one. :((

19. if only had the money, i'd buy you that bag you wanted. hahaha.

20. please come home for christmas. :(

brave men

Two brave men stood before me yesterday, brave enough to make heads turn that day. One of them we are all familiar of, Sen. Trillanes. When I heard the news of his standoff while I was unconsciously eating at Eastwood, a mixture of panic, fear and humor filled my body. Panic and fear since I immediately thought of my parents and if they have heard the news as well. I was scared they’d be alarmed and panic as well. Humor for the fact that it was so much like Trillanes to do such an act. He’s a man full of anger, integrity and thoughtless actions. Nonetheless, I admire him, yes admire, for what he did yesterday. He once again proved how strong his belief is that a coup d’ etat is the only solution to the problem the country now faces. I am not with him about the coup idea, but I believe on how one must hold on to his principles and beliefs even under critical situations. He may not have succeeded in his plan, this is because, in my belief, he chose to sacrifice for the good of many.


The other man in my story is a man I am more familiar of, a man who proves his courage not in reckless actions but in his striking words. Sir Yapan will always be Sir Yapan, in spite of his Best Production Award or his National Book award. He never pointed out his greatness, nor even spoke of them, during our Filipino class. He looked like an ordinary professor who carries with him the passion for literature. But the love he was fooled of flowered into the book he now properly launched. Without the persuasion of his fellow profs, Sir Yapan would not have wanted to launch it in the first place. It was so Sir Yapan, the writer and director hiding in the closet. There was never a hint of boastfulness in him, even as he speaks in front of the podium of Escaler Hall or in front of our 1:30pm class in Kostka. This was something to be loved about Sir Yapan, his simple personality. But the physical impression can prove to be deceiving. His works, if you were to read, seem innocent at first, but as you read on can prove to be otherwise. His novel Ang Sandali ng mga Mata, although I have not read yet, seemed interesting enough that it has received praises long before it was publicly launched. Sir Alvin Yapan proved his courageousness in his greatest attempt to combine the real with the unreal. He believed that there was little difference between the two, that it was possible for readers like me, to hardly recognize the fiction from the fact. He is, I believe, braver than others I know.


How many brave men do we know? How many Sen. Trillanes and Sir Yapan exist now? If there were more men (or women) who are as brave as these two men, the country would have been more complicated, and yet more intellectual.

mondays without a passion

i have always believed that mondays are important days of the week. they foretell how the whole week would go. a good start meant a good end. and obviously a bad start stretches throughout the week. there is a 98% chance that this is true. i have proven it for countless times. the other 2% of me being wrong include weeks with holidays. no matter how bad the week was, but if, say christmas, is within that week, all negativity usually vanishes. i wish it was christmas already, so that i can have a reason to look forward to for the rest of the week. but 29 days far from the 25th and still more hell days to go through.

today is monday, the last monday of the month. i woke up feeling heavy already. last night was not a good night. i went to bed at around 9:30 since i had an early pe the next day. 10:30 and i was still wide awake. this is the second time i cannot bring myself to sleep. the lights were off by 11pm but i was still there lying in my bed with all my senses awake. i cannot remember what time i had finally managed to sleep. i woke up today at 5am and i knew immediately today was going to be a long day. my head was aching, my tummy is not cooperating with the rest and the weather did not look good. my classes seemed so long and boring. nothing good happened today.

i don't know who to blame for whatever it is happening to me right now. i want to cry because i'm getting tired. i feel so pressured of things i am not sure of. i know in my mind i have so many tasks to finish but i cannot tell my body to work. i feel heavy and stressed although i have not done anything yet. i have three articles to write and finish by tomorrow night, plus tons of homework and readings to do. i want to start doing them, but i have lacked the will to do so. i have worn myself out during the first sem that nothing was left for this sem.

God knows how i can make it to DL this sem, not with this system.

the week's summary

(even the title isn't nice)

so i'm not really in the mood right now to write or even to think of what to write. nonetheless, my mind tells me that i should go on doing what i'm doing now despite the lack of dulce. forgive my writing for this post.


the first week of classes and excitement is not the word to describe the second semester. to list down the reasons why i am not excited would mean writing a very long list, so i guess it would be better to tell the brighter side of things.


tai chi at 7 o clock in the morning. waking up at 5am just to get ready for my first class somehow gives me enough time to prep myself up and to enjoy hot pandesal with matching chocolate milk drink, or if i'm not on a budget, probably melon milk. moreover, i get to walk along katipunan when it's not yet hot and crowded. i love the way how the cold breeze of the morning touches my skin and makes me want to go back home and sleep some more. but anyway, tai chi seemed cool. the prof was funny, kept laughing about stuff are not really funny. there were about 20-30 students attending 7am tai chi and none of them were familiar faces. well except for the two girls who cut through our line for the ateneo vs la salle game tickets. i still hold some grudges against them, but other than these girls, my pe classmates looked okay. our prof kept on reiterating that tai chi was for relaxation and that we should be relaxed when we're tai chi-ing. so i was probably not so good with relaxing that my prof kept on correcting me and my stiffness. i need more time to relax, and i'd be as good as the tall chubby guy demonstrating the not-so-cool tai chi moves.


i have a 1 1/2 hour break before my next class starts, so i waste my time in the library "studying". i get easily distracted by the other lib goers that i end up looking at those walking by and soon, spacing out. i try to study my readings and read my new book when i'm not busy going blank.


to say that my en12 prof is a serious woman is an understatement. as my lit prof says it, this woman's tight assed. lol. sorry for the term. anyway, she's really dead serious with anything and everything. she tends to overanalyze and overreact even about the least of things, like sheets of paper or bathroom breaks. i miss ma'am abola. but as i am trying to see the positive light, this new one's strict quality also infers how intelligent she looked like. maybe i could learn more things about her given that she looked like a smart tight assed prof.


from serious to liberal. my lit14 prof has to be the most outspoken prof i've met so far. my 14 years of studying in a catholic school was of no sense now as i heard the 4 letter word being spoken by my prof freely as though it meant nothing to our virgin ears. well, this one's better than a straight faced prof.


err, i don't think i'm enjoying this. i'm three classes down with 4 more profs to go and i'm already too lazy to continue. would it be better to describe my profs in bullet form? here goes.


fil:
pro's:
-we have 3 basketball players in our block. does that mean we have an easy A prof?
-air conditioned classroom.
-same blockmates. iPusoY
-early dismissal

con's:
-stupid 1hour break before this
-lame prof, seemed boring and loser-ish
-loooong readings. i am not exagerrating.


zoo lec:
con's: (sorry, there really aren't any pros for this one)
-MOST boring prof ever
-hard subject
-irrelevant homework


my math and zoo lab profs were okay. they don't look so hard, nor so easy. also, their classes didn't leave me sleeping, yet. boo's to 4 hours of lab though.


this is really a senseless post. i could probably make a better one tomorrow. but for now, this will do.

the past caught me off guard

the past came back to me just as i was to talking to a friend tonight. the way i narrated everything that happened, i sounded so bitter, so hateful and regretful of the things i went through before. they were frankly mistakes, mistakes i don't wish to recount nor even try to remember. retelling these experiences practically brings me shame. i feel so stupid for the things i wish i never did, for the careless actions i took and for the rush decisions i made. i was too young then to think of the consequences of my actions and it was only now that i realize how hilarious i was before. i tried to mature ahead of the others, tried to live a life i know i shouldn't. oh well, all were said and done, and i am now left with regret of wishing i should not have done those stupid things.


i cannot say i have matured, nor can i say that i am a smarter person now, i think not. the only difference now is that i can laugh about my past since i am now living the present. i know i would soon eat my words for i would soon laugh at how i am living my life right now. still with the wrong decisons being made, still with the ignorant mind overpowering, and still with the dense heart not noticing anything. nonetheless, the past taught me things i know i should not do. the mistakes i once made are not supposed to be repeated; i try to think straight and be conscious of my words. but sometimes, everything tends to be forgotten when it's right there in front of you. :))


and for a fleeting moment i thought it was all true.
i just wanted you to notice me, if not for how i feel, but even for the time i give. call me needy, call me desperate, but i am just as confused as you are.

tag! you're it. part 2

Because PC was so bored, she tagged me. :))

Tagged by PC:
* Each player of this game starts with 6 weird things about his/her self. People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 6 weird things as well as state the rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave a comment that says you are tagged in their comments and tell them to read your blog.

1. i don't like sushi. what's the point of eating raw fish when i can have them cooked? besides, they stink. :))

2. i spent four years of High School PE "playing" the clarinet. Of course my teacher never realized i wasn't getting any better. so 4 years PE = no stupid ball games = 1 hour stroll around the campus twice a week. and now i want to learn how to play the violin and this time, really play it.

3. i hardly finish a mass. :( when we go to church, my family would stay for about 10-15 minutes, then leave for dinner. i know it sucks, breaking the 4th(?) commandment and all, but i've grown used to it.

4. i can't live without my watch. i'd rather have no earrings than no watch. i only remove it when i take a bath or anything related to water. other than that, my watch stays. :))

5. i have this dream to go to Africa and have a medical mission there (if i would become a doctor). Don't you just love that fuzzy feeling you get when you realized you've helped somebody? i want to feel that too.

6. i don't have any talent. i don't sing, i don't dance, i can't do sports. i'm a boring person. hahaha. poor me.

*can i not tag anyone? :))

reckless passion

indifference and shame. shame causes indifference just as indifference causes shame.


i had a shirt that says choose frustration over indifference, and from what i understood from that statement, voicing out one's opinions no matter how stupid or senseless they may be, is better than staying in one corner and not giving a damn about anything. indifference is a choice. one does not take care just because he doesn't,rather because he chooses not to. for whatever reason, i cannot tell. the person that i loved and still love chose to be numb. the years of knowing each other seemed futile because of one stupid mistake, a mistake i choose to believe was indeed only a mistake. if it was shame that hinders this person to bring back whatever we once had, then shame on that person. the mistake was too lousy to be even talked about. but you have become indifferent. things are no longer the same no matter how much we deny them. unfamiliarity and consciousness have conquered. you are no longer the person i once met. but i know and i believe your mistake is not enough to change the whole of you. have you heard our cries? we only wanted for you to take the first step.


***


i have no idea what happened, but seeing you tonight made me realize something was wrong. you don't laugh the same way, you don't talk the same way. but despite the efforts to start a talk, you chose to drop the issue, saying you're ok. but those words were enough to tell that you weren't. once again, indifference. shaking things off does not make things any easier. why do you have to choose to be numb and uncaring? being indifferent only causes you to turn people down who only want to care and to reach out. if it was only shame that prevents you from opening up, then let me just say how pitiful you have become. shame or embarrassment is the wall that can save you for a while but can tear you down soon enough. if only you have been more careful of your actions, then you wouldn't be like this, quiet and all. i have known you long enough to tell if you're bothered by something.


***


but then again, i blame myself. as patricia evangelista said, we are recklessly passionate. i have the heart that cares, but unsuccessfully shows this care. the mistake was not only theirs but mine as well. i could have done something for them to open up. if i weren't too busy waiting for them to make a move, something would've happened by now. maybe i was scared just like them, scared that i would be unnoticed just like them.

5am on a friday morning

it's 5am on a friday morning. instead of extending my sleep for another hour, i had to wake up for my scheduled online enlistment. it felt like i was going to school again. by school, i meant high school when i wake up very early to get myself ready for the day. this time, i had to ready my schedule for the next sem. and it doesn't look good at all. most of my classes start at 7 in the morning, meaning i have to wake up at 5am to get everything done. breakfast, shower and final reviews. and on T-Th scheds, good morning math! i have to face 1 1/2 hours of math followed by zoo and 4-hour zoo lab. it just makes me want to love tuesdays even more. sarcasm here.


at least i got tai chi. sighs.

back to sleep again.

anxiety and pressure

the days have started to grow shorter and the nights longer. i woke up feeling cold; it was raining on an october morning. and i only thought of one thing, christmas is coming.


but it's not christmas that's on my mind right now. days from now i'd be receiving my grades for the first semester. i promised myself i wouldn't let the results affect me. i have to grow up. i'm in college, i'm not supposed to be grade conscious anymore. i should not cry over flunking marks anymore. but it never wears off. it only worsens. for days i have been preoccupied by what i would get on my subjects. i've already done a tentative qpi. i choose not to tell it here, but believe me, it's very far from a DL qpi. i try to shake off my senses the whole Dean's List dream, but i just couldn't. i still want to be on that special list. i want to see my name or my ID number printed on that piece of paper along with the many others. it's the only way i can prove i am worthy enough to be here and that i am capable of staying in this school. it may not sound healthy that i sound very competitive, but it's inevitable.


i grew up pressuring myself to do better, to give my full effort on whatever it is i do. i thought i could somehow lessen this unhealthy perspective when i entered college, but i figured i could never escape it. i am forever stuck to being conscious of my grades. college only stressed how much i have pressured myself because of my grades.


days from now, i will receive my qpi for the first sem. i cannot conclude with a optimistic thought saying i can always do better next sem because i would only fool myself.


i have no other choice but to accept the results and seriously do better.

you need not speak

i had the day all to myself. after a week of waking up at 6am and going home at 6pm, i finally had a rest. waking up at 9am and making my own breakfast. these were the days i wished for for this sem break, to have at most two or three days and stay at home and do nothing but bore myself. it may seem very possible, but not if it's in my case. i grew up having the responsibility to wake up early and prepare myself for the day ahead. i have to "work". by work, i meant sit at the cashier's table and give change, count the bills and sign the deliveries. all these with only the consent that i can buy whatever i want when we go shopping. there were no pay days or bonuses given. it was a family business that i may or may not inherit years after college.

the intro sounded sarcastic, as if it was leading to the opposite of how i expected the day, well not exactly. i did had my rest day and i did bore myself. i did things my brother, who also shares the same job as mine, would envy me for. endless download of songs, unstoppable chatting and internet gaming. the day was going so well, i went to the mall to have my passport picture taken but ended up staying there for hours feeding myself with sights of things i want to buy, but couldn't since i didn't know it was sale. i downloaded the songs i wanted with nobody annoying me to have their turn on the pc. all these were enough to make me happy, to fulfill my sembreak wishes and for some superficial reason, to brighten the rest of the week.

here goes the climax. you were too good of a *toot* that you ruined the day entirely. you were so selfish. you always were. you care not of the people around, but only of yourself. you don't give a damn of how hurt i am, because that's the way you are. ignorant and selfish. i hate to say these words for you were one of the few people i loved, notwithstanding your shortcomings. but on days like this, when i was having a great day and then you come crushing people, i can't help but blame you for everything. for everything i have and for everything i don't have. my words have always seemed empty to you. you think of me as a confused child, unconscious of what she says. you do not take notice of what i say, mainly because i am me.

i can no longer wish for you to change. it never happened and i know it never will. all i long for was for you to listen and understand to what i have to say. just listen. how hard can that possibly be?

oops

last night i posted something about my little insanity. i was full of emotions last night, but empty of dulce; nonetheless i updated. i was rereading this last night's post but figured how wrong the words were, how fallacious the sentences were and more importantly, how wrong the post was. i choose not to discuss once again that topic, but name the title, force of habit (?). i know the title sounds vague and people might think, what the hell was so wrong about the topic. don't ask. all i'm saying is how i proved one definite characteristic i have. whenever i am too happy or too sad or doubtful of something, i turn to this blog as my outlet. ditch the grammar or the people reading it. i just want to shout out whatever it is i was feeling. after posting, i soon realize how silly my opinions were and decide the post. this is the second time i did it on blog, a lot of times on my personal notebooks. i can't help but laugh at how horrible my words were and how they don't make any sense. well, i'm not saying that this new post is a better one than last night, it's only a make up for last night's. i am not entirely sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing that i use this blog for this weird purpose. err, might be a good thing since isn't that why blogs were created in the first place? to serve as an outlet? can also be bad considering i write before i think rahter than think before i write. good thing there's always the delete key to save me.


***


i finally had my final grade for botany lab. i got a B+ mehn. it may sound good enough but if you were in my shoes who expected to have an A, you can imagine how bad i felt after i saw my final grade. why the hell would she tell me i am an A, and then take it back? i feel so bitter. i worked hard for botany since it was the only subject where i excelled. and this is what i get? what's worse is that almost half of the block got A's and the lowest ones got B's. mediocracy is never a strength. definitely no chance for DL. one thing i learned, i have to change strategies. if you know what i mean.


***


this early i'm planning my next sem's goals. i just couldn't waste one day of the second semester considering my very depressing performance from this sem.

1. focus on quizzes. be it short 10 item quizzes.
2. don't stay up late, unless it's really important. by important i meant school works and not chatting and stalking.
3. never mind failure. if i fail, i fail. there would always be a next quiz i can make bawi.
4. independence is the key. no more relying on other people to do the job i can do by myself.
5. be mataray. >:)

these are just some of my goals. i have to come up with more specific ones before the sem starts.


***


change is inevitable, but as much as possible, i want change to go my way.

projecting

after three very long weeks, i am finally home. for one whole month, i wouldn't have to worry about anything but how to spend my sembreak. screw those finals results. no matter how depressed i was last night while packing my things, and no matter how depressing my finals were, i don't care anymore. i don't want to keep on nagging myself on how i could have done better with my subjects. everything happened already, and me making it to the dean's list is nothing but a dream. i would be the happiest person if i do make it to the dl. and if i don't, 3 and a half more years mehn. that's a long way to go.

***

i forgot how comforting it was to go home. i mean in my real home, and not in my small dusty room with rats lurking under my bed. even without the aircon or a 50 steps away mcdo, everything would still seem perfect. i could again wake up in the morning with no worries of the day's activities or with various choices of what to eat for breakfast. no more canned meatloaf or cold pandesal for one month! i am back in my comfort zone, getting all the comfort i want.

***

projection was one of the best things i have learned this sem from my filipino class. sigmund freud explains that projection refers to the feelings one has for another and yet refuses to accept these feelings. simply put, A likes B but A refuses to believe that A likes B, thus A projects these feelings by teasing B to C. gets? it goes something like that. it's so weird to find out that there are explanations to these kind of involuntary actions. i think it's quite cool.

***

projection goes beyond liking someone. it is a form of somehow escaping something, even for a while, you cannot accept immediately to your system. projection allows you to think, to ponder and to still have that glint of hope for something to happen.

eugenic engineering

eugenic engineering - choosing only the desirable traits for an individual *botany nerd speaking O_O*

this is hell.

i spent two f*cking days studying for my bot finals. i read six long chapters of botany and i don't think anything registered in my head. i never studied for anything as much as i did for my finals. i just wish all my hard work would soon pay off.

this is hell-er.

i just received a group email from my english prof discussing our final paper. before she sent a message, i was thinking the evaluative paper would probably be easier than the first two, considering we only had limited time to do it. but here comes the stupid email telling me info about the paper. as i read through it, my thoughts of no-cramming paper inch by inch vanished. i am seriously cramming this one. i don't how i am supposed to finish it by thursday, along with my finals in fil. ohnoes.

this is the hell-est.

i failed to be exempted for any of my subjects. call me loser. while some of my classmates are already enjoying their finals-free week, the rest of us have to spend the rest of the days studying for the exams. i should have studied harder. boo-hoo.


i just want to get the exams over with, so i can go home by friday. i really really want to go home. it's the only thing i look forward to this week. if i only i can pick the things i desire and leave behind all the shit, but then again, that's not fun.

with bruised faces and splintered hearts

i was supposed to write a blog entry celebrating my finished lit paper, instead i am crying over my finished lit paper.

so i did finish it tonight. i managed to follow my schedule. tomorrow i will be reading SIX long not to mention boring chapters of botany. *please let me not cram*

i could have done better on my lit paper. but i was just too tired and too sleepy to even try editing it. i just want this sem to end. i can't wait for friday. i will be going home soon. yehey.

i have run out of dulce for the night. all the sweetness have been sucked out. i don't want the sun to shine tomorrow. simply because i don't want to face my botany book.

because this more fun than my lit paper and math long test :))

nakaw from DAR, NINA, MIKOY, SEAN and PC. :)) :)) :))

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Mia!

1. Marie Antoinette never said 'let them eat cake' - this is a mistranslation of 'let them eat mia'.
2. Mia is actually a vegetable, not a fruit.
3. Originally, mia could not fly.
4. During World War II, Americans tried to train mia to drop bombs.
5. The international dialling code for mia is 672.
6. Olive oil was used for washing mia in the ancient Mediterranean world.
7. It's bad luck to put mia on a bed.
8. Mia has enough fat to produce 32 bars of soap.
9. Three seagulls flying overhead are a warning that mia is near!
10. Mia will often glow under UV light!

I am interested in - do tell me aboutherhimitthem

counting the days

eight more days and i will be finished with my first semester.
eight more days and i will be packing my clothes back home again.
eight more days and i will be sitting in the cashier, giving change to customers.
eight more days and i will not have to budget my food anymore.
eight more days and i will be able sleep without thinking of what to do the next day.
eight more days and i will be reading my unread books.
eight more days and i will be writing my unwritten blog posts.
eight more days and i will be eating food i have longed missed.
eight more days and i will be strolling around the near mall windowshopping.
eight more days and i will be saving money for christmas.
eight more days and i will be thinking of eight more days before going back to school.
eight more days and i will not be seeing my blockmates, english and real.
eight more days and i will be losing more hours of internet.
eight more days and i will not be cramming homework and papers.

eight more days.

crammed words

i have decided to stop crossposting my blogger posts to my multiply. multiply has just been to abusive. ironically, i prefer to write only for myself and not for other people. these past few months, i discovered how much my writing has changed. i have let out too vague, too dense and too empty words which never mean anything at all. i have spent the semester ranting about how hard it is for me to adjust to my schedule, to my workload, and to everything else in between. and these words, as read by others, speak of me as a different person.

***

so the semester is indeed coming to an end. after almost five months, i managed to complete the sem in one piece. hell week is already here. papers are waiting to be written. chapters are waiting to be memorized and i still haven't warm up. i have gotten myself too used to the culture of cramming. unlike high school when i usually study days ahead, i now choose to cram everything the day or if i'm in procrastination, probably the night before. i just want everything to finish. i am longing for a long break with no papers or quizzes to cram.

***

last sunday, ateneo lost. after 14(?) games, everything has fallen apart. the cheers and hoots mean nothing now that chris tiu didn't make the shot. i feel sorry for ateneo. we were so close to making it to the finals. nonetheless, animo la salle. in times like this, i wish i stayed in la salle. i wold have been cheering right now for my alma mater and not feeling the pain of losing a game. but then again, it was a good fight. it sucks though that i lost 500 pesos on this single game.

***

this is so outdated, but i still feel so bitter about it. last september 21, fall out boy went to manila for their friends or enemies tour. even before the tickets cam out, i was just as excited as every fob fan. three days before the concert, still no tickets in my hand. the concert had passed and i never even got the chance to see them on tv interviews. *sob*

***

sorry i had to pack everything into one post. i missed blogger so much! it was still so much different to post here rather than in multiply. here, i don't have to worry for grammatical errors or run-on sentences. i can type away and never even worry who reads my posts because really, who knows of this blog other than my friends? hahaha.

more to come.

ironic

this sucks.

i waited for so long to get home, and when i finally did, i just want to go back to QC again. for two weeks, i have been craving to go home to batangas to spend my long weekend with lots of shopping, relaxation and my own favorite food, but what do i get? 3 and 1/2 hours of traffic, heavy rains and a rumbling tummy. well, that's pretty much tolreable. what i hate about this whole going back home idea is not even getting the feeling that i was missed. :(

if i were in qc, i wouldn't have to worry about not finishing my lab report or studying for my math long test and midterms. they should feel lucky since i sacrificed my time to do my lab report and to study for math just to go home and be with them, only to realize that they are not appreciative at all. this is so sad. i wanna go back to qc and study(?).

forgotten birthday

disclaimer: this entry is sooo corny.

instead of doing my tons of homework, i'm here in front of the computer blogging. i still have to finish my lab report, study for my long test, read all my subject readings and start writing my critical paper. actually, that's not all, but if i go on enumerating them i might as well name this entry, "my things to do", but that's not my purpose for writing. duh?

my two older posts, i figured contained the same idea, my complaints. they were full of the things i hate, things i miss, things i can't do. i was too busy complaining in my posts that i forgot that my blog's first birthday has passed without me knowing it. i checked out my very first entry; it was on the 28th of july. two days after my bloggie's birthday, i was ranting on my post. it's so weird that a year has gone by and i felt my writings have gone totally different.

i made this blog during our computer class. the lesson was so boring and i couldn't even understand what our teacher was saying. luckily, i was seated at the back. it gave me the chance to surf unnoticed. my friend told me about her blog and tried to persuade me to make my own. so with nothing to do, she helped me make one. the first entry was so sabog. i did it just to test if it works. soon, i learned to personalize it, getting my own template, writing my wish list, and stuff like that.

my blog became my outlet for letting out whatever emotion i can't release in action. all my anger, sadness, disappointment, and bitterness were poured out in my blog. even issues on school, family, love were there. my blog was my own personal witness. my whole senior year in high school was written there.

but as i look back, as soon as i graduated, my fondness on blogging also had gone. i don't update as much as i'm supposed to. it takes months or weeks to even check if anyone replied to my post. and sadly, even if i were to update, my entry would only contain negative emotions i have. i hate the way i have turned this blog into. i didn't mature throughout the year, but rather have become more of a whiner.

so anyway, belated happy birthday to my blog. more to come.

***i'm so sentimental. ack.***

hold that thought

the last time i blogged i was so depressed. i ranted on how much pressure i'm giving myself for not giving my best. weeks have passed and somehow, i feel better, more relieved, but still, i feel there's something missing.

my grades are still not as good as they were during high school. my body clock is still not stable. i wake up at unholy hours for reasons i don't know. my body aches with the load i carry everyday. i experience headaches almost every night that i end up crying alone because of the pain. i stay up late studying or doing assignments, but still end up unsatisfied with what i have finished. i could state endless complaints with the way my life goes now. a lot has changed. and i cant stop comparing how my life was during high school and how it is now. culture shock? if it were, how come i enjoy it?

no matter how difficult life may be, i also can't find reasons not to enjoy everything laid out to me. i love the long walks to school. i love eating at mcdo for no special reason. i love staying here during weekends studying or simply lying around. i love going to places with my blockmates. i love the rush of screaming for our basketball team live!

in spite of the balance between the pros and cons, something is still lacking. home. i miss my room so much. the two days i spend at home every two weeks aren't enough to fill my homesickness. i like to stay at katipunan during weekends because i get tired of commuting for more than 4 hours before i reach home and because i don't get to study for my lessons when i'm home in batangas. but being home also means pampering myself and going to the mall without having to spend my own money. it has been an endless dilemma of going home or not.

my friend mara sent me a message saying "Life isn't about being fair, it's about surpassing the unfair reality." life always gives us two choices and no matter what choice we pick, life always gives us consequences. we just have to face the unfair reality of living up to it.

lemons so sour

it's been almost a month since i last updated my blog. for the past weeks, i've been too busy focusing on my studies, hardly having any fun. college is slowly turning hell-ish as the days past. and still, for all the efforts i have done to catch up with my subjects and to get good grades, i still can't achieve the A i'm longing since the first day of school. my efforts are not enough. now im left doubtful, probably i am not good enough to stay here. the more load i get everyday, the more i doubt my capabilities and strengths.



last year, i have discovered my love for writing. i loved the rush of being given a topic to write about, to brainstorm my thoughts and to accomplish an essay. during then, i was so sure that i can be a writer. because of this i was inspired to continue writing even until college. i joined a magazine. i am not so sure if hell work or it was just me that kept myself from completing the requirements needed. it was only a week after the deadline was i able to pass my forms, half baked and rushed. my heart was not into the magazine. there was no excitement felt when i joined. i didnt feel any rush when i gathered the beat for my news article. instead, i felt it was some sort of obligation i just have to do. writing had been an obligation i would avoid as much as i can.



C+ was the highest score i got for an essay i wrote with my whole heart. it was the only grade i can have for a work i have stayed up late for, for an essay i have poured my emotions on. and somehow, i felt still not good enough. when is enough enough? how can one measure his goodness on something? are mind and heart not sufficient to succeed?



yesterday, while i was walking home from the Psyche GA and the failed Katipunan GA, my first year in high school flashbacked before me. similar to this year, i was not able to join any publication then. i was too focused on my academics and had forgotten my dream to write. i had to wait for three years before i can finally join bulik. i do not want to make the same mistake. i want to write with love. i don't want to stop writing. i want to continue the passion i once loved.



though my efforts are still not adequate, i will continue to strive. so what if i only get a C+, i will do better. so what if i would get heavier load once i become an official member of the magazine, i have been there, done that.



the lemons have grown bigger and more sour. so what?

getting there and going back

after a week of budgeting, power walking, losing web and tv connection and of course, living the college life, i'm home! other than that, i even managed to commute home. after almost three aching hours, i finally reached home.



the first week was both fun and dreadful.starting flashback



first day. i woke up very early at around 5am (my class starts at 8:30 am). it almost felt like high school, with all the first day of school jitters. well, not entirely like high school since i already know who my blockmates were. Go block Y! i ended waiting for an hour before i can go to school. i walked for about 10 minutes in order to get there.



our first class was math. our over excited and oversweating math prof started to discuss exponents on our first day! whatever happened to hi-my-name-is-blah-blah-and-i-expect-this-subject-to-be part? he was so excited he started lecture.



next was english 11. well, it wasn't as boring as math, although i didn't enjoy it much since i was with a whole different block. but mind you, there were a lot of eye candies in my En 11 block. hooray.



after english was lit. same classroom, same blockmates. it was quite funny to see our lit teacher walk to the room wearing shades and looking like the vocalist of the band cueshe. he was really a carbon copy, with the hair and the "healthiness".



lunch break! i love breaks, we were given two hour lunches which were good since we can go out to katips to eat. block y decided to have block lunch at kfc, so to kfc we walked.



fil was up next. much to our surprise, we were given a diagnostic exam. worse, our whole block thinks we could all possibly go back to basic fil. boo-hoo. stupid 45 minute test.



last subject of the day-pe! i was excited about modern jazz. much to my dismay, i realized i was not going to take up modern jazz, but, guess what, intermediate hip hop. panic mode. hip hop as in with all the bling, baggy pants, etc. hip hop's cool to watch, but i definitely can't see myself dancing in that tune. just have to stick to it for the whole sem and hip hop my way to passing. hahaha.



the last two days were pretty much the same as the first day, so let me just cut the story short.



i have missed home, a lot actually. i have regained the comfort i've longed missed. but after two days, i will again venture to another week of college. but for now, my only problem is how to go back to qc.

forgive me but hey, it's my birthday :D

let's sing the happy birthday song!


happy birthday to you

happy birthday to you

happy birthday, happy birthday

happy birthday to you!



i actually had a hard time remembering the lyrics. scared i might get the lyrics wrong.


anyway, so happy birthday! to the most sweet, kind, thoughtful, helpful and generous girl i know. oh gawd, i'm totally admiring myself here. also to the most indecisive, lazy, OC, maarte and spendthrift girl i also know. is that me?

so long sweet summer

the rain has come. the pre-opening of classes frenzy has started. people have started to 'pile up' at our store. i have bought neew notebooks and bags and clothes and shoes. my summer's over.


i found myself shocked to find out that next week, i'll be moving to quezon city. in a week, i will be opening a new chapter of my life, a very big and crucial one. and i haven't started packing my bags yet.


last night, while i was rummaging around my closet, i couldn't help but get scared by the fact that i'll be wearing casual clothes for four years, and might end up with nothing to wear. it's like i don't have enough clothes. but it's not really the clothes that bother me, i'm more scared of the new phase i'm entering really soon. i'm not used to going to school walking for about 10 minutes to get there, or nor with wearing casual clothes, or waking up early just to use the bathroom earlier than my 7 other apartment-mates, or going to school without having a hearty breakfast, or being around really smart people (i heard from a friend that bs psych people are the brainy bunch, last year's no. 1 was from this course), and i think i don't have an edge against them. i mean, what could i possibly have that they don't? moreover, being with my [sibs] scares the living daylight out of me! new school. new class. new friends. everything has to be new. it took me four years to figure out who my real friends were, i can't do it all over again?


adjusting is one thing, but living in it is another issue. yes, probably i can adjust to this new life since i really don't have any choice, but choosing to live this life i'm entering is something that doesn't take me just a few days. i have to live a different lifestyle, and by that i meant stepping out my comfort zone. there wouldn't be a mom or a dad who could buy me anything anytime. i have to really use my allowance wisely. there also wouldn't be any ate beth who prepares my rice meal breakfast. i have to choose between manang's canteen or pandesal from pan de manila or a grumbling stomach. breakfast at fast food chains are too sinful. and breakfast food like conred beef and luncheon meat might as well be considered dinner for me. als,o no more starbucks since a frappucino is equivalent to a day's meal already. so to me, adjusting + tightening one's belt = living it. as i picture it now, it seems so difficult on how i could possibly survive, but then again, if my brother has managed, why can't i? all it takes i some roughing it and a whole lot of canned goods, instant noodles, pandesal and a bunch of self-assurance.


so it's so long sweet summer, and hello nerve-wracking college.


*i'm currently wasting my time on this game called weffriddles. it's actually quite addicting. after three days, im still stuck at level 17. try it and get addicted too. ;p*

painted my nails green

after two weeks of hibernation, im back again. (how many have i said this?) i'm just not having the dulce to write anything sensible lately, just a lot of rants, chessiness or plain senseless. (this post leads to another nothing-to-say-just-for-the-sake-of-updating entry)


summer is about two things: fun and change. and im happy to say that i have actually accomplished both, even before so long sweet summer.


F is for friends who do stuff together, U is for yoU and me, N is aNywhere and anytime at all. huh? oops, so i haven't had enough fun yet. i'm guilty of not having some bonding time with my friends, even for a single day. for some reason, i missed our barkada kitakits. and now that summer's almost over, i still haven't seen them.
there's no U and me. just the selfish me all summer. no summer fling or whatsoever (not that i'm eyeing for one, just following the song). but at least i got N done. anywhere and anytime. after more than 10 summers, this is my first time to hit the beach again. i forgot how amusing the sand and water were. live it, hong kong! so i went there mainly for shopping. i did get i wanted plus loads! it was quite fun, actually. i thought it would be boring going somewhere you've been before.



that's what i consider fun. har-di-har.


since i didn't do well on fun, i better make it up on change. and im telling you, there had been a lot of changes.

hello, nigger?! after almost two weeks of swimming under the 10:00 am sun, i'm now as black as ever. goodbye to my feeling mestiza days. and what's worse is that i actually have goggle marks on myy face. it's really obvious. see it for yourself. anyway, it's a fun new change, and besides i enjoyed swimming. which leads me to another change. after my basic swimming lessons 5 years ago, i decided to take up advanced lessons. reason for the looong delay? i got aquaphobic. flashback: i almost drowned after trying to dive, thanks to that boy and his swimming trunks, i survived. haha. and now, i have overcome that fear, on that same swimming pool without the little boy anymore. i have learned the art of threading (is that how you spell it?). and one last change, i painted my nails green! just wanted some color so why not try green? haha.


i wanted to somehow to renew myself and try things i do not usually do or have never done before.

what gives you a rush?

my love for psychology and for medicine just got stronger these past few weeks because of two reasons.



House
after buying the dvd months ago, i've only started watching the series late april. i kind of got bored by the thought that House might not include the mushy stuff and the kilig factor i had while watching oth. i got intimidated by the thought i might not understand what the story is all about, more so get bored and end up falling asleep in the middle. but Dr. House and the rest of his team proved me wrong. it is quite addicting, nearly as addictive as one tree hill or veronica mars. i love the thrill of thinking what he's gonna do next or how he's gonna solve the case or what rare disease he's going to diagnose his patient. i love the passion House has for his job. i've learned to accept his "belief" that everybody lies. It's a simple thought but always proven true. I liked it when the doctors interact with their patients and how they face their dilemmas. this is the job i want. i want to be a doctor. i would love to have mind boggling cases given to me. i would love not to sleep well at night thinking about how am i supposed to get through the next day. i don't care if i don't understand their jargons yet, but i know i will... soon. :)


My biggest fan
this part had to be accidentally on puprose revised for safety purposes. so let me just give you some of the lessons learned throughout the whole pre-college experience.

not everyone can agree with you. others could force you to take up something you don't like only because that course offers you a more sure future or because it fits your capacity. but do remember, your choice will always be the right one. knono matter how stupid it is or how long it took you to decide, it's still your own. no brainwashing, no doubts, no whatsoever. it should be YOU plainly.so what if it takes you months to agree on something. school, course, dorm, dormmate, uniform or no uniform. or at least these are the problems i had during those times. it's just normal for fickle minded freshies to be.




psychology gives me a rush.
medicine gives me a rush.
wearing a clean white coat gives me a rush.
making a difference in a patient's life gives me a rush.

playback

last night while i was bonding with Niyati, my green ipod, (read: soundtripping), i came by five songs, most of which were extremely cheesy and certified senti mode tracks.


dreaming of a broken heart
When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with her crying eyes
Then all at once, you have to say goodbye
Wondering


this john mayer song has been my favorite track ever since i had my ipod. everytime i hear it, i get sooo emotional. it reminds of things we just can't have, things no matter how much i try, i just can't have it. it's that simple. no reasons, no alibis to tell. it makes you want to remember how much your heart yet you can't do anything about it (i told you it's cheesy!). you can do nothing about it yet still don't want to give up, you go on hurting yourself and continue doing nothing but love. five stars for john mayer. and zero stars for my cheesy-ness.



i'd still say yes
They say time can heal a broken heart
And true love never ends
So why not start where we begin


since it was already late and i was kind of getting really sleepy, i didn't immediately realize when or where i heard this song. but i knew in my head i know this song, and then i had a vision of joyce and with a guy. haha. it was during prom, during joyce and kit's moment. i couldn't help but get teary eyed remembering that memorable dance. the whole mystique masquerade relive itself with that song. my awful gown, my three-inches HIGH heels and of course, my own fleeting moment with *ehem*. haha. it wasn't the most romantic of all, i don't even remember seeing any sparks during that dance. so much for the i-thought-i-was-in-love drama. another cheesy one from yours truly.


butterfly kisses
With all that I've done wrong I must have done
something right to deserve her love every morning
and butterfly kisses at night.

All the precious time
Like the wind, the years go by.
Precious butterfly.
Spread your wings and fly.


ok, so this may not be the perfect song for me yet. but i still got it anyway. i may not be tying th knot yet or anything, but what the heck, i was in a very senti mode that night. and guess what, i totally cried. haha. i kind of felt that i was really growing up and learning to fly on my own. i am becoming more independent and confident of myself. and as this goes on, i am loosening the thread that ties me to, not only my dad, but also to my mom. the years have gone by, and i realized i didn't cherish every passing minute of my life. i didn't spend much time with my parents as much as i'm supposed to be. but i hope, even though, i'm already flying, i can still look back and give them my sweetest butterfly kisses.


rainy days and mondays
Hangin' around
Nothing to do but frown
Rainy Days and Mondays always get me down.


yep, i caught the 70's or 80's bug. i am not so sure if the carpenters were famous around the 70's or 80's. haha. so this track isn't the most senti of all the senti's, but i just can't help but agree with the song. rainy days and mondays are indeed boring. nothing to do but frown. haha. rainy days, it's wet outside, meaning you can go out and get yourself wet by the rain or stay inside and bore yourself with nothingness. mondays, argh, they're the worst. if you're like the business people/student like me, you know how it feels. in our business, mondays most of the time predict the week's sales. and it's that day of the week when we have the most customers. and as for students, if you screw monday, you screw the whole week. it sucks, but it happens to me.


embers and envelopes
We write to apologize.
We ask to look past life as it goes by.
I know you have sacrificed time,life, love, time to fly.

Embers, we're burning bridges down.
Envelopes stuffed with feelings found.
To write this down as means to reconcile.


if 'dreaming of a broken heart' is my fave track, this one's my fave emo track, so i have two different favorites. haha. there's a big difference between the two. this song isn't so punk, kind of upbeat actually, but the band's emo. Mae has become one of my favorite emo bands, not so noisy, not so cheesy. nothing much about this song, i just love it. haha.




this is what i have been doing this summer, sound tripping, downloading songs, and more importantly, getting fatter by the day. i can't help it. i have constantly tried ways to control my weight, but almost everything fails. i just hope i could slash off that one wish before summer ends.

driving away

It has been years since I last stepped on sandy beaches. The last time I enjoyed some sun and sand was when I was still a little fat girl. I didn’t have the chance to really enjoy some sand since we stayed in a balsa and I was busy ranting how much I hate salty and dirty water. I didn’t get to enjoy the water nor the summer sun.

Last Friday, Good Friday, when most people stayed at home or pray at the church or joined the procession, my family and I hit the beach. Honestly, I have grown up with the “tradition” of spending the Good Friday out somewhere, most of the time at places like resorts. So this time, we spent it in Laiya, San Juan. It was our first time to go there. About 40 kilometers from the city and after 4 km of literally rocky roads, we were welcomed by white sand beaches extending to about 15 km. Not only that, there were cottages very comparable to the ones seen in Bali, Indonesia. But great sites come with loads of tourists yearning for the beach after long days of work and stress. Like most of them, this was the only chance for our family to enjoy and have some quality time before the before-school madness comes.

We spent the day eating native foods, splashing in the swimming pool, building unsuccessful sand castles, enjoying the sun (with loads of sun screen of course), and collecting seashells by the shore. These were the things I didn’t think I would enjoy when we got there. So what if I my eyes hurt because of the sea water, or if I get my sun burnt, or if my feet were covered with sand, I don’t really care. I had so much fun I didn’t mind looking like a silly kid when she gets a lollipop. These are the simple joys which, seen from the eyes of a child, worth remembering forever.

I grew up not open to the tradition of staying at home during Good Friday’s, my family takes this chance to breathe out all the stress, all the tension. This is our day of tuning out from the world and focusing ourselves with each other. This was the first time I actually saw my father enjoy the sand and even the seashell searching. We don’t see things everyday, or at least I don’t. I consider Good Friday a very special day. I may not be able to focus myself on God or on my sins, but I guess I managed to focus myself on something as essential to God in my life, my own family.

Driving away, leaving it all behind... Mae (Summertime)

when it's hot and your dulce isn't around

i have ran out of dulce. i can no longer write quotations nor write an essay about it. everything i write now turns out to be crap. maybe it's because of the heat that makes me feel so sleepy every afternoon. summer indeed has come. no more school. no more waking up at 3am. no more cram nights. well, at least for the next two months.

i am really not so good with the nothing to do type of days. i'm not so relaxed as i thought i am. time seems to be very precious to me, that i tend to do things fast. like taking a shower plus getting dressed in 15-20 minutes. and im not even in a rush during those times. imagine me when i am in a hurry to get ready. 10 minutes? haha. i can eat in 5-7 minutes and still be full. maybe that's why i'm always fat. haha. and i walk really fast. ask my friends, but i really walk briskly. and i don't even notice that i am, i am naturally a fast walker as if i'm in such a hurry. funny, i know. there are things i realize only when they are noticed by others. i wouldn't know all these stuff if nobody told me about it. and now, i'm in fast froward mode again. i want summer to be over. i want to go to college already. i want to grow up. but the season doesn't want to agree with me. i hate the heat, i hate getting sun burnt. i hate having to work at our store, while other kids get to go out somewhere. i hate getting bored. i hate getting fat. and most of all, i hate being away from my friends. i hate being disconnected. boo hoo summer.

i told my dulce isn't around. i returned to my old senseless, too informal way of writing. if you happen to pass by my dulce, tell him/her to come back. i need a lot of him/her when college starts.

somewhere a clock is ticking

A few hours ago, I attended my second graduation, my high school graduation. It didn’t turn out the way I expected it to be. It seemed to happen so fast. I thought I’d get bored waiting for the whole diploma giving part to finish, but even that portion occurred rapidly. Probably, it was because I was either busy drooling over arjae’s new iPod or talking with joyce and arjae. I regret the fact that I didn’t pay much attention to the whole ceremony. It's almost as if my graduation was just an ordinary, nothing special. And now I am dealing with much shame because I failed to appreciate the fruit of my four years of planting. And too bad it only happens once, I won’t get the chance to do it right again.

I thought graduation was supposed to be the most emotional part of 4th year. Well, I was wrong. There were no crying, no hugging for consoling. After the singing of my last alma mater song, cameras soon flashed away. Endless picture were taken. Cranky here, wacky there. I didn’t know on which camera to look, but what the heck, cam whore forever! Haha. We did nothing but take pictures and hug each other as we bid each other goodbye (for the moment). Because we knew that we would see each other again, tomorrow or on the next few weeks. Graduation doesn’t mean goodbye for us. It’s not a phase where we would march and then walk away from high school, from our friends. We just don’t think that way.

But then again, I realize, when will we say goodbye? I don’t want to let go; I just want to prepare myself for what is to come. I don’t want to let go or be let go of the thread that binds me with my friends. Will there be a moment when I have to say goodbye to them? If there is, I just want to prepare myself for that time to come. I know college can be a hindrance for us not to have the same bond we have now. We may meet new friends, find someone special, but I hope that thread wouldn’t break.

But now that I still have the time to be with my friends, I will do my best to savor each moment, so that regrets wouldn’t come. I don’t want to feel the same guilt I felt after graduation.

The clock is still ticking, I will try to live each day as if it was my graduation day.

reasoning for an answer

I spent the whole day at our store, giving change, counting bills, answering phone calls and questioning myself. I was alone for about 60% of the day, thinking about questions that cannot give me any answers.

Why do some parents choose to work for so long instead of watching their child grow from a baby to a preteen?

How can a simple nursery song make moms cry?

How can I have unnoticed how much my sister has grown?

Can people in religious orders be as corrupt as politicians?

Why do people keep on working even if they don’t have any reason to work hard for?

Why are there people who choose to live a life making other people’s lives miserable?

How come my aunt wouldn’t stop talking about my college and how costly ateneo is?

Does jealousy kill? :D

How come ice drops are named as such?

How can something dirty taste so good when you eat it?

Why does an ensaymada have to shape like a twisted bun? (Guess now you know what I had for merienda.)

Are fathers supposed to be meaner than moms?

Am I being stereotypic when I say dads are more powerful than moms?

Does going to college mean moving out? (Cause that’s how I feel ;p)

Why am I afraid of college? Am I alone with this thought?

Does college promise freedom?

How far does one have to go in order to find happiness and true love?

Is it really true that love knows no boundaries, even if loving means breaking another’s heart?

Is falling in love without knowing what for reasonable?

Why do people tend to fall easily?

How can a simple ‘hi’ make one fall?

Why hasn’t phone beeped all day? (Fishing question ;p)

How can people be so insensitive? (Read: no longer related to preceding question)

What will become of me after college?

Will I be a doctor?

What’s for dinner?

Will he go online tonight?


Why ask questions even we can’t answer?

Man seeks for answers for questions he does not know. We tend to look for answers when in fact there aren’t any. We go off searching endlessly, yet go back defeated without an answer. Sometimes, we just have to let it go. Not all questions are meant to answered nor understood. They are just like that. And you don’t have to waste your time looking for answers. Life has a funny way of playing with us. It gives a mind that thinks and asks, and a heart that understands and answers. The mind keeps questioning, while our heart responds. That’s just the way it goes. And we don’t have to look for reasons why it happens.
Heart has reasons that reason cannot know.

outburst

I have never seen someone go from so excited to so depressed to so freaking out.

When I have finally decided that I would go to ateneo, it felt like everything just fell into place, everything was sorted out. But nothing goes according to what I planned.

Bit by bit, I am starting to feel that I am being drifted away from high school, from my friends, from my comfort zone. And slowly, reality opens its doors to me. And I am not excited about it, I am freaking out! I don’t know what I am supposed to do now that I realized that when I stepped into college, I had no one to hold my back, no friends to make me feel secured.

So this is what I get for choosing my dream and following it. Everything has their catch, and this would be mine. While my friends are enjoying their college life and having all their luho, I’m stuck, studying and living in a budget.

I am scared. I’m scared of losing my friends. I might not be there when reunions are put together, or when they have their gimmicks. I am scared that I might cast myself out from them. I am scared of living out of my comfort zone, out of the life I used to live. Adapting has never been easy for me. Worse, I am adapting alone. I am scared of being a loner and having no friends. I am scared that depression would affect my life.


I just want to feel secured.

just gone emo, sorry. hahaha.

how to fly

My first year in high school was a year of adjustment, a year to adapt myself to the jungle called high school. It has also become a year to make a new start, a new set of friends, a new identity. I remember, before I went to La Salle, I was having qualms as to whether or not I should take the risk of meeting strangers and detaching myself from my elementary friends. Well, I didn’t really have much of a social life during grade school, just a couple of friends. Moreover, I was very anti-social then. I was the unpopular girl with the geeky glasses, lousy fashion sense, and the little miss teapot of the class. I was so scared if I would still have that shameful image in high school. I wanted to have a new name, a new personality, something I would be proud of. And high school gave me that opportunity to do so. Although during level 7, I was still somewhat geeky and dorky at the same time.

After four years of seeking and figuring out what I am and what my identity is, I finally realized that I managed, actually successfully, found my identity. I am still the unpopular girl but without the geeky glasses or the people-phobia I used to have then. I learned to be more open, to be more sincere about people and learning to appreciate them. I have gained my own style and somehow managed to live up to it. No more qualms, no more doubts. The four years that was given to me enabled me to be true to myself and to let myself, well, just be myself. And if I would be given the chance to live it again, I would like the same four years to remain the same, just the way I lived it for the first time. I would want the same friends, the same classrooms, the same teachers, and the same experiences.

High school was not perfect; it was still a jungle. It has been a jungle full of mazes and twists that lets you find your way on your own. I have been lost while I was on my way, even had detours and restarts, but still, I continued to walk. I continued to reach for that optimum which I still don’t know what is. But whatever it is, I will reach for it. I will soon soar higher as an eagle, and that opportunity will take me closer to reaching whatever it is somewhere in the sky. But as I rise up high, I will always look back to where I have started because it was in la salle, it was in high school when I first learned how to fly.

the morning after

It’s true, nothing ever comes out perfect. No matter how much you prepare for something, it will not guarantee to disaster proof whatever you’re planning.

And my prom is not excused from any mishaps either.

Spell kapangitan. I hated my hair. It didn’t turn out the way I wanted. I just wanted simple. And the gay meant something else with simple. Yeah sure, it was simple, but not the simple I wanted. And imagine the tons of spray net he put on my hair! Even the make up wasn’t as good as last year’s.

Early arrival. Being so excited for the prom and conscious of getting late, I arrived very early for prom. Good thing, I had some friends to hang out with and make pula with while waiting for the start of the prom. Gawd, it was just so fun secretly laughing at other people’s looks. I mean, prom is a night of fashion do’s and don’ts. Haha. And our number one don’t, blue hair won’t win you any award. A big NO. I just realized, arriving early isn’t bad after all, so better not include this one. Lol.

A woman’s right to shoes---comfortable shoes. I have been complaining all night about how bad my feet hurt. The prom hasn’t even started and they were already aching hell. The stupid 3-inch stilettos I bought supposedly for mass dance almost ruined my night. I still managed to dance and dance and dance even though my feet were hurting. Anything for a dance. Haha.

Lost and found and lost again. It was just a joke I pulled and was not supposed to be taken seriously. I am so sorry you have to go and look for me in the crowd. Really, it’s okay for me not to dance with you. And I’m sorry I took up some of your prom time just to try to look for a moving target.

A text away. This has got to be one of my biggest regrets for the night morning. Well, I just gave myself the benefit of the doubt, but wasn’t too patient to wait that I did benefited. I read your message too late. The prom was over. Too bad I didn’t have my last dance with you. Well, you could’ve approached me and asked me yourself, but you didn’t. I had my “what if’s”, but I realized there was something better than having a last dance with you, a last dance with the people who cherish and love me more than you ever will. I don’t blame myself for not reading your text earlier because I know if I did, I might just look too pathetic in front of you, asking you to dance with me. no bitterness anymore.

##################

For one fleeting moment, I realized one thing. Maybe I am really not in love with you. During that two minutes being alone with you, the sparks didn’t fly. There was no feeling of happiness that finally I am getting what I’ve dreamt of since last year’s prom. I was only happy, laughing on how silly you were trying to play with me, but frankly, hindi siya nakakakilig at all. haha. silly me.

##################

Just to remember how silly I have been during that moment...
Know I havent slept a week at all
Since you’ve been gone
And my eyes are kinda tired
From crying all night long
Know I’ve never been too good at cooking just for one
It’s so lonely here without you darling
Come back home

‘Cause I’m half crazy
Feelin’ sorry for myself
Half crazy
Worried you’d find someone else to love

Know life hasnt been much fun at all
Since you’ve been gone
And my eyes being to feel
Each time I hear a sound
I spent every minute asking myself
What went wrong
Can’t we try to talk it over baby
Come back home

‘Cause I’m half crazy
Feelin’ sorry for myself
Half crazy
Worried you’d find someone else to love
But baby there is no-one else
Half crazy
For everything you saying
Half crazy
No one else could love you like I do

‘Cause I’m half crazy
Feelin’ sorry for myself
Half crazy
Worried you’d find someone else to love
But baby there is no-one else
Half crazy
For everything you saying
Half crazy
No one else could ever love you
No one else could ever be

Half crazy
Feeling sorry for myself
And I’m worried you’ll find someone else
Feeling sorry for myself
Half crazy