lemons so sour

it's been almost a month since i last updated my blog. for the past weeks, i've been too busy focusing on my studies, hardly having any fun. college is slowly turning hell-ish as the days past. and still, for all the efforts i have done to catch up with my subjects and to get good grades, i still can't achieve the A i'm longing since the first day of school. my efforts are not enough. now im left doubtful, probably i am not good enough to stay here. the more load i get everyday, the more i doubt my capabilities and strengths.



last year, i have discovered my love for writing. i loved the rush of being given a topic to write about, to brainstorm my thoughts and to accomplish an essay. during then, i was so sure that i can be a writer. because of this i was inspired to continue writing even until college. i joined a magazine. i am not so sure if hell work or it was just me that kept myself from completing the requirements needed. it was only a week after the deadline was i able to pass my forms, half baked and rushed. my heart was not into the magazine. there was no excitement felt when i joined. i didnt feel any rush when i gathered the beat for my news article. instead, i felt it was some sort of obligation i just have to do. writing had been an obligation i would avoid as much as i can.



C+ was the highest score i got for an essay i wrote with my whole heart. it was the only grade i can have for a work i have stayed up late for, for an essay i have poured my emotions on. and somehow, i felt still not good enough. when is enough enough? how can one measure his goodness on something? are mind and heart not sufficient to succeed?



yesterday, while i was walking home from the Psyche GA and the failed Katipunan GA, my first year in high school flashbacked before me. similar to this year, i was not able to join any publication then. i was too focused on my academics and had forgotten my dream to write. i had to wait for three years before i can finally join bulik. i do not want to make the same mistake. i want to write with love. i don't want to stop writing. i want to continue the passion i once loved.



though my efforts are still not adequate, i will continue to strive. so what if i only get a C+, i will do better. so what if i would get heavier load once i become an official member of the magazine, i have been there, done that.



the lemons have grown bigger and more sour. so what?