the days have started to grow shorter and the nights longer. i woke up feeling cold; it was raining on an october morning. and i only thought of one thing, christmas is coming.
but it's not christmas that's on my mind right now. days from now i'd be receiving my grades for the first semester. i promised myself i wouldn't let the results affect me. i have to grow up. i'm in college, i'm not supposed to be grade conscious anymore. i should not cry over flunking marks anymore. but it never wears off. it only worsens. for days i have been preoccupied by what i would get on my subjects. i've already done a tentative qpi. i choose not to tell it here, but believe me, it's very far from a DL qpi. i try to shake off my senses the whole Dean's List dream, but i just couldn't. i still want to be on that special list. i want to see my name or my ID number printed on that piece of paper along with the many others. it's the only way i can prove i am worthy enough to be here and that i am capable of staying in this school. it may not sound healthy that i sound very competitive, but it's inevitable.
i grew up pressuring myself to do better, to give my full effort on whatever it is i do. i thought i could somehow lessen this unhealthy perspective when i entered college, but i figured i could never escape it. i am forever stuck to being conscious of my grades. college only stressed how much i have pressured myself because of my grades.
days from now, i will receive my qpi for the first sem. i cannot conclude with a optimistic thought saying i can always do better next sem because i would only fool myself.
i have no other choice but to accept the results and seriously do better.
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