2008 Year-end Survey

How was your 2008?

*****PLACES:

1) PLACE YOU HUNG OUT THE MOST IN THIS YEAR: Room in Katipunan, SOM Mall during first sem, Lib

2) FAVORITE NEW PLACE YOU DISCOVERED: Lib, 2nd floor by the reserve section for my soul searching activities :))

3) PLACES YOU WENT ON DATES: Uhh, the usual places? ;))

4) FAVORITE VACATION SPOT FOR THE YEAR: Long strip of beach resorts in Laiya, Batangas, Las Vegas

5) PLACES YOU MADE OUT IN (OR MORE) THIS YEAR: In my dreams HAHAHA

*****PEOPLE:

1) PERSON/S WHO TAUGHT YOU A LOT THIS YEAR: Myself, Doc Queena Lee-Chua

2) AN OLD FRIEND YOU REDISCOVERED THIS YEAR: Karen Andaleon, although only during the latter part of the year : |

3) PERSON WHO TOLD YOU THE NICEST THING ABOUT YOURSELF: I really don’t know heehee

4) PERSON WHO DID SOMETHING REALLY GREAT FOR YOU (AND WHAT): My SIBS loves for giving me my own birthday surprise YAY

5) PERSON YOU SPENT THE MOST TIME WITH THIS YEAR: Myself? Haha Members of the inseparable trio, PC Magnaye and Pat Sarinas and my “twin” Angel Tio Cuison

6) PERSON YOU DID SOMETHING REALLY GREAT FOR (AND WHAT): :-??

7) SOMEONE YOU WISHED YOU TALKED TO THIS YEAR: *sighs* I’ll try next year, seriously. When I’ve mustered enough confidence.

8) SOMEONE WHOM YOU STARTED A GREAT NEW FRIENDSHIP WITH: Kythe orgmates :D

9) OLD ENEMY/S YOU MADE PEACE WITH THIS YEAR: I don’t have enemies, only friends. ;)

10) SOMEONE YOU LOST THIS YEAR: *more sighs*

11) PERSON/S YOU KISSED THIS YEAR: Family O:-)

12) PERSON WHO MADE YOU LAUGH THE MOST: Blockmates!

13) PERSON WHO MADE YOU CRY: The John Lloyd-Bea movie One More Chance =)) =))

14) PERSON YOU DISLIKED WHEN THE YEAR BEGAN BUT ENDED UP BECOMING GOOD FRIENDS WITH: None that I know of

15) PERSON YOU CRUSHED ON THE ENTIRE YEAR: David Archuleta during the summer, then jumping from one to another during the rest of the year. Hahaha.

16) SOMEONE YOU WISHED YOU APOLOGIZED TO: Joanne Dimayuga, for not being there during here despedida party before migrating to Canada. Sorry sorry jo. : ((

17) PEOPLE YOU WENT OUT ON DATES WITH: Friends. Hahaha.

18) FRIENDS YOU WENT OUT WITH A LOT: Blockmates and Visit groupmates/orgmates

19) COOLEST PERSON YOU MET THIS YEAR: Sir Cuenca. 8->

*****STUFF:

1) CLOTHING ITEM YOU WORE MOST THIS YEAR: Jeans, obviously

2) NICEST PRESENT YOU GOT THIS YEAR: US trip during summer

3) FAVORITE SONG FOR THE YEAR: Amsterdam by Anberlin

4) COOLEST EVENT FOR THE YEAR: Kythe Circle of Life :D

5) NEW 'HOBBY' YOU PICKED UP THIS YEAR: Playing games in Facebook :|

6) BEST BOOK OF THE YEAR: I finished Jerry’s Spinelli’s Stargirl and Love, Stargirl this year. :x

7) BEST MOVIE: The Dark Knight definitely

8) MOST SHOCKING NEWS HEADLINE OF THE YEAR: Bolante’s return to the Philippines and his “heart attack” 8-|

9) FAVORITE FOOD FOR THE YEAR: Isaw sa UP

10) FAVORITE NEW ARTIST THAT CAME OUT THIS YEAR: The Ting Tings and... Jonas Brothers =))

*****LESSONS:

1) WISEST THING YOU DID THIS YEAR: Read my textbooks

2) STUPIDEST THING YOU DID THIS YEAR: Being too gullible

3) BIGGEST CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE THIS YEAR: Becoming more independent

4) BIGGEST CHALLENGE OF THE YEAR: Living alone

5) SOMETHING YOU LEARNED THE HARD WAY: Expecting something more often than not can make things worse.

6) GREATEST LESSON YOU LEARNED ABOUT:

A. LOVE – Love is bitter sweet. ;)

B. LIFE – For every failure we experience, something better is given back in two folds.

7) BEST JOKE YOU'VE HEARD ALL YEAR: I laugh at anything, so most of the jokes I heard were the best ones for me. Hahaha

8) BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT OF THE YEAR: David Archuleta not winning American Idol

9) BIGGEST BLESSINGS OF THE YEAR: Family :)

10) BIGGEST THING YOU DISCOVERED ABOUT THE WORLD: The world? Uhh, that in one way or another, we’re all connected by an invisible thread.

11) BIGGEST THING YOU DISCOVERED ABOUT PEOPLE IN GENERAL: They can surprise at the most unexpected time.

*****AND LASTLY!!!

1) GOALS/DREAMS FOR THE NEW YEAR:

Less of: Internet time hahaha asa

More of: Having fun, and studying :>

2) PREDICTIONS FOR THE NEXT YEAR ON:

A. LOVE – I want love, lots and lots and lots of it =)) =)) i kid!

B. CAREER – Continue doing what I’m doing, and probably decide if I’d want to go to med school or take a master’s degree

sneaky

And I was beginning to get comfortable by the fact that I've moved myself away from that chapter. I thought I was done. I guess I'm not. :-<

blessings and assholes

There are two kinds of people that exist in my world: people whom I appreciate, and people whom I completely abhor. Let me give you examples of these two types of human beans that exist.

It’s been two days since our house helper went home to her province to welcome the coming of the new year. With her absence, we are forced to work around the house. Work equals cooking, washing the dishes, watering the plants, feeding the dogs and what not. I don’t want to be such a brat and complain how difficult it’s been to do things on our own, but it really is. And I’m thankful that in a few more days, Ate will be coming back and our lives will go back to normal again. The 9 or so years that she’s been with us has made our lives a lot easier, and I feel like I haven’t thanked her enough for all the hard work. YAY go ate! :-) You see, she, along with other supermaids, should be honored properly. I know some people who treat their helpers simply as helpers, as slaves. And it pisses me off that these arrogant human beans call the wok saviors by their first names without any signs of respect like ate or manang. Konting respeto naman di ba. I mean, we should all thank them and show them how much we appreciate them because seriously, finding someone to trust our food, transpo or home on to can be really difficult these days. So let’s all rejoice and be thankful that for our yaya’s. :D

On the other hand, there are people we simply cannot take, people we should literally bury to the ground because they don’t deserve to receive any shed of light except hell’s. Do you know Nasser Pangandaman? Of course you do, he’s the good ol’ secretary of DAF who has consistently been meddling with the Sumilao/Calatagan farmers. We’ve all been hating him since then, but guess what he’s done this time. And now he has his son, Mayor Nasser Pangandaman, Jr., to join him in yet another crazy act. Like father like son. Politicans will always be politicians no matter where you place them. Be it in a mall, or in a golf course. TO HELL WITH YOU. These men especially prove why our country continues to flop. If they can't be good citizens, how the fuck can they be good politicians? Gaaaah, die Pangandamans! :| I pray Bambee de la Paz and the rest of her family gets the justice they and the rest of us deserve. Read more on this.

If only I ccan gather all the bad people in one enclosed area and bomb/suffocate/judo throw/shoot them to death, the country would be a much better place.

live today

On the night before Christmas, I finished reading Love, Stargirl. And right now, I’m thinking of the proper way of telling the story without actually telling the story. I don’t want to be blamed for spoiling anyone, right? Let me just suffice myself by saying that Jerry Spinelli did an amazing job of ending the novel. It didn’t end the way I first thought it would, but he did something better, something more than I expected at least. Spinelli, in Stargirl’s point of view gave me hope, inspiration and well, love.

I want to be like Stargirl. I want to have the same optimism she never ran out of. I want to have the same sunshine she brings to everyone she meets. And more importantly, I want to be hopeful, of something or of someone. I want to look forward to each day knowing that something good will happen. I want to count my happy pebbles and hope that it gets filled with every happy moment I encounter. And of course, I want my Leo. But well, this one’s for later. :)

gaudete

Forgive me for not attending mass for the last three weeks that I failed to realize it’s the third week of advent already. *gasps* Pink candle symbolizes the third week right? So anyway, I’m happy I attended the afternoon mass today. A priest from Batangas delivered the homily. He talked about commitment which came from a Latin word that meant “to carry”. When we commit to something, or to someone for that matter, we are entitling ourselves to an investment. He used the word investment to speak of time, effort, money and emotions. These were the things we give or share to someone when we commit ourselves, and he said that if we have invested more than enough of these things to the person, there’s no turning back. Why not? Because what’s the point, we’ve invested so much, why put them to waste? You’re already there, might as well make the best out of it. And that actually made a lot of sense, not just in a romantic point of view.

I spent the whole day trying to keep myself awake while studying for dev psych. And you know when you reach that point when it’s been 8 hours and you’re still not yet done, you just want to throw the stupid textbook and go home for the Christmas break. But then you realize that you’ve already invested so much of your time and energy, you can’t simply turn back and skip the hell week. You have to put all the things you learned into good use. So let's go hell week. :)

So after the mass I was walking along Katipunan with my dinner in one hand and I was in a way, introspecting about this coming week. I feel something good’s about to happen.

clearing the air

Thank you God! Exactly what I need to get myself back on track. Thanks so muuuuch. :D :D :D

COA MAGAZINE RESULTS

Congratulations to the following applicants for being accepted into the COA Magazine family. A message has been sent to your email inviting you to join the groups.

Maan Bernardino	Writer
Beng Villanueva	Creative Director
Dani De Castro	Managing Editor
Amae Geronimo	Creative Director
Geno Tolarbas	Writer
Mylene Ladan	Writer
Pauline Del Mundo	Writer
Almira Uy	Writer
Abby Castelo	Writer
Chase Sy	Features Editor
Claudia Fernandez	Managing Editor
Justin Gatuslao	Associate Editor

painful

Earlier today, I was running errands with a friend and talking about some shit that I normally don’t feel like talking about because, well, it hurts. There, I finally said it. I’ve been meaning to write something about it, but failed to do so only because putting my feelings into words somehow tells me that it is real, that the pain is here. But what the heck, it’s not the only thing that’s hurting me right now. I’ve got this minor shoulder pain due to my lack of capacity to do a proper rolling in Judo. I hate it. I try really really hard to understand the new lesson, but I just can’t. I end up making a fool of myself, while the rest of the class plus the varsity people look at me like I’m some crippled loser who can’t even execute a simple step.

And well, aside from the pain Judo’s been giving me for the past few weeks, my grades have been spanking me lately, slapping me to do better, to read the chapters and to write book notes. I don’t know why this semester is giving me all these bad energy, and worse part is, I can’t point my finger to anything or to anyone. This is all on me, me and my screwed decisions. I want to do better this semester. Although I’m extremely thankful for the turnout of the first semester, I’m scared for the current semester. People have been telling me that this sem will be easy, that my grades will reach their highest, but those comments just keep on raising me to the pedestal and pressuring me that I am supposed to do better, or else. Gaaaah.

***

When something ends or at least you think it's ending, does that actually guarantee that something is opening up for you? What if that window remains closed and you end up waiting for it to open, not knowing that it will never again open? I think, people are scared to put an end to something, because we are scared that we'll remain stagnated. We are afraid that nothing will be left for us. That's why we hang on to some bit of hope, because we refuse to believe that a window is closing.

I'm a walking splinter of hope. :)

mommy, I'm scared. Hug me. :(

don't give up. -natividad

I’ve been obviously busy with school work and the coming Kythe project. Although my schedule is a lot lighter compared to the first semester, I can’t seem to manage my time properly. Dunno why, I’m just not used to going home at 3PM that’s why I end up bumming around the lib or at the caf trying to waste time. Anyway, that’s not my point right now. Theo is becoming such a bitch right now, more than chem. I know, it’s weird. The readings seem easy enough to understand, but then, come class discussion, I’m left blank for 50 minutes while my management majors blockmates keep on raising their hands and answering/asking questions. I feel so stupid and faithless. We’ve had two quizzes and so far, I’ve failed both quizzes. *sob*

“Always be ready to give an explanation to anyone who asks you for a reason for your hope.” –Doing Theology

And I’m yet to find out what that explanation is. :-< Ah well, theo with natnat was never easy anyway.

For other news...

DLSU-United. UST-UNICEF. UP-Red Cross Youth. World Youth Alliance .Pre-Medical Society of Ateneo. Kythe Ateneo. 6 organizations. 1 cause. Help promote pediatric rights. Help heal. Join Kythe-Ateneo's Circle of Life Project! Join the poster-making and human chain to show your support for the children. Be a volunteer and contact us.

WHAT: Kythe-Ateneo's Circle Of Life Project
WHEN: November 30, 2008, 7:30am- 12nn
WHERE: Quezon City Circle

CONTACT: Angel(09193654443) or Mia(09169732222) or Kriselle (09209096426)

THIS IS OPEN TO ANYONE, so please message me if you're interested. Kk? ;)

three little birds

I want this week to end alreaaaaady. The first the three days felt like August when everything seemed to pile up on me, but the only difference is that August consisted of 30 days of torture.

7:30
Nobody wants to go to school early, especially for chem, but we didn’t have a choice. Boo. After going through the syllabus, our professor explained how different Ch11 will be from Ch7. M-m-m-m-math! More math, more formulas, more computations for this sem. Ohnoes. And I think the only reason I survived Ch7 was because I read the chapters and tried to remember the concepts. The computational part was just a shame. I’m scared for this one, seriously. I know I didn’t so well with my Math subjects back in first year, so I’m most likely to expect a not-so-good one for this subject.

BREAAAK
I don’t like long breaks anymore. Back in first year, I used to love these 2 or 3 hour breaks since they meant more time to play Pusoy Dos or lunch in Katipunan. But that’s so last year. :/ Who would a 2-hour break followed by Th121 (now this is another story) then another 1-hour break before the next class? Huhuhu. What makes the breaks even more undesirable is not being with my other blockmates. Sad I know.

1030
ilovetheoilovetheoilovetheo. I’m trying to force into myself a positive outlook on this subject, cos really, I don’t think I will survive if I see this subject in a different dramatic suicidal perspective (although it really is something I’d cry over). Thank God I was not alone though. During sembreak I was seriously panicking since I thought I didn’t have anyone with me in Natividad’s class, but what do you know, my good ol’ theo blockmates even offered me as the sacrificial lamb a.k.a. class beadle. But it’s okay, good chances of sucking up. =)) =)) =)) But you know, I haven’t heard of any other blocks that were chopped and shuffled into different theology blocks, like what the registrar sadly did to our block. It’s unfair how we’re stuck with the SOM people and are actually expected to be like them. Oh well oh well.

900
T-Th sched will probably kill me this semester since I’ll be having classes from 9am till 130. But it’s okay, I think it can be a good way for me to lose a few pounds with breakfast/lunch at 3 in the afternoon. HAHAHA, nice one. Plus, my professors seemed nicer and more considerate compared to the ones above. I mean, Manaois! People actually envy those who can get into Manaois. Lucky me. :P

200
One word… Judo. Fine, so I’m not the type who’s most likely to be seen choking someone or pinning someone, but seriously, you should see me tackle my brother when we were younger. It was similar to wrestling, only the kiddie version of it. So I thought why not try myself if I can still do it? It can’t be that bad right? What I don’t like about it is having to walk to Blue Eagle Gym 30 minutes after western history. No one likes to walk under the 1pm sun in heavy white denim judo uniform just to be thrown or pinned by your classmate. But other than that, judo sounds fun. I want to pin someone soon.


Aside from the slightly crazy schedule that I have for this sem, there are other things worth noting for the start of this semester. Have you noticed the new tiles in SOM and CTC buildings? I just think that Ateneo made a very good decision on that one. No more embarrassing oops-i-slipped moments during rainy days for me. Also, I’ve been seeing a lot of new faces for the past three days. These people that I’ve never come across to in the hallways for 2 years are suddenly my blockmates in different subjects. And well, there are those other familiar faces you’ve missed over the break, faces you wished weren’t the ones you’d first see on the first day, and faces that seemed to look at you differently now than before.

I’m praying for a better week next week because maybe I’m just not myself this week, or maybe I’m still not getting used to that fact that sembreak’s over. But regardless, I just want to feel better for myself and for this semester.

Thanks so much for crushing my ego. Really, thanks a lot dude. :)

hallo

I signed in to my messenger account tonight. Mmm, only a few people are online. I wonder why. Oh I don’t know *in a sarcastic tone*, maybe because most of my friends are out somewhere enjoying themselves during this semestral break. Either they’re not online, or they’re online with their display images featuring them in a beach background or in a where-you-should-be-this-sembreak background. And yes, I do feel sorry for myself that I have not gone out somewhere during this vacation while most people have been going out every day and night. I, too, want to go somewhere. Take me to the beach. Take me to the mall. Take me to Manila. Take me out of the country. Take me somewhere other than in front of my laptop.

Buuuuut, as it turns out, this night wasn’t as self-pityingand ego-bursting as I first thought it would be. After five months of no communication, no IMs, no text messages, no phone calls, I messaged my grade school best friend. Until now I don’t know why I did that since I’ve been seeing her going online-offline for a couple of weeks now and didn’t even bother taking a minute to talk to her. But tonight seemed different; I felt the urge to open up to her and just to see how things are going with her. Mabye because I was hoping I can vent my bitterness to someone or displace this self-pity to someone like here. Nonetheless, I’m more than happy I took that chance. I forgot how it felt to reconnect with someone you’ve known for so long and yet in this moment of reconnection, you are surprised to discover new things about each other. I miss talking to someone without holding anything back, without caring if I sounded gibberish and without thinking if I come off as someone different. I miss this, really I do. How can I let these chances of rekindling slip off my hands? I looked back to my old blog in Friendster and realized I wrote something about this same friend more than 4 years ago. I wrote about the same thing, about missing someone and missing the things we’ve used to share. It’s funny how a simple message can now make me feel a lot better than I was a few hours ago. Thank God for YM. Thank God for friends. Thank God for giving us the chance to reconnect and to renew what I thought we’ve lost.

On a side note, I'm still hoping for an outing or a gimmick before this vacay ends. But if not, there's always that Rihanna-Chris Brown concert to look forward to. Whoooo, time to memorize those songs!

sembreak's no fun at all

It’s ironic to realize that in spite of the long free hours that I spend in front of my laptop, I can’t seem to have the time or the effort to at least sign in to my blog account and to start typing whatever comes out of my mind. Well for one, it’s sembreak and with that comes work during the day, mall during the night and the rest of the evening in front of the computer. Sometimes it’s fun, but most of the time it’s boring especially when it’s been three hours and no one has IM-ed you. Hay, that’s sad. :P

I’ve been promising myself that I’d write a long post to sum up first semester, but I just couldn’t bring myself together to write anything decent. And then there’s that Kythe evsem “disaster” that I’ve been meaning to write about, buuuut same problem as above ---- tinatamad. So I think I’ll write about something else. I’ll vent about something that doesn’t require much brain energy from me. I’ll complain about different attempts to make this sembreak meaningful.

Malaysia: FAAAAIL
Seryoso, I thought we’d be going there this break since my dad has been talking about how beautiful the Petronas towers were and how enjoyable the Genting highland was. So being little miss eager, I researched about Malaysia for a week. I tried looking for travel agencies that offer packages to KL and other Malaysian destinations. I looked through the different hotels and tourist spots (and even restaurants) just to foresee where we’ll be staying. But then my dad decided to cancel the trip because the weather isn’t good for traveling during this time of the year. Uhh yeah, so much for my meaty research and package proposals.

Genting Highland

uhh some dark cave :P

*sigh*

Driving lessons
I haven’t actually inquired about it yet, but I’m not so sure if’ I still have enough time to learn how to drive. How many days does it usually take? I really want to learn, although I don’t know if I really need to know how to drive. It’s not like my parents will be buying me a car as soon as I learn how to drive. Nonetheless, it’s kind of awesome that I’d learn something new during this vacation. I’m still hoping I’d get a chance to learn. It will only be possible if I’m not too lazy to drop a line to the driving school.

Night walking: FAAAAIL
Sembreak is supposed to be the best way to implement a proper diet or weight loss program, but it looks I’ve been doing nothing but postponing my prepared weight loss plan to the next day. Before I know it, I’d be gaining a LOT of weight and ending up, well, fat. Hay, sad. Just so you know, I tried to do my night walking once. I just didn’t have the time, aka tinamad, after that night.

Kythe Circle of Life
If you could only see what I wrote in that timetable for the event, you’d kill me now for not doing ANY of those things I’ve listed. Laziness really is at its best during breaks; it drags you to this little circle and lets you out only after the sembreak. I tried to write the e-mail to be sent for the different yahoo groups, but I’m not entirely proud of it. The email looked pretty dull and sounded very shallow. Oh well, I have 34 more days to make this event as good as we hoped it to be.

Beachbeachbeach
I wanna go to the beach! NOW! I’m working hard on this one, tyring to look for the best beach resort for my family. Nobody wants to spend their all souls’ day at home right? Or in the cemetery? Do you have suggestions? Laiya, Batangas is nice and all, but sometimes you get tired of the same view, of the same food and of the same company.

daddy please, can we go here on november 1? please please. *bats eyelashes*

You see, I’ve been seriously trying to put energy into my sembreak, to add life to it, but every time I try to, nothing seems to work. I just want to lie on my bed to sleep or to read a few pages of the book I’m currently reading.

"There are certain things you can't undo. You can only go forward. " -Haruki Murakami (South of the Border, West of the Sun)

Freudian

I’m scared of people. When I was younger, I didn’t make much friends. I was usually alone or shifted from one friend to another. I knew even then that there has to be something wrong with me, that’s why my social life isn’t as healthy or isn’t as normal as other kids. But I didn’t mind that then. I was okay being alone.

But the repercussions of my behavior during childhood are catching up with me now. The fact that I wasn’t the friendliest person in the world now hinders me from socializing with other people. I’ve grown up, gained friends, belonged to different cliques, and learned to strike up a conversation with a stranger, but these milestones did not necessarily erase my fear of people. Yes, I still get scared of greeting people just because I am overcome by the feeling of rejection. It’s been my lifelong problem, and I’m not sure if there are people who feel the same way (if there are, please tell me). High school and college opened me to the reality that I can’t always be scared, and that I’m not the only who’s scared. All of my schoolmates, classmates are just as scared as I am when we are faced with strangers we don’t know. But we adjust, we let down our guards, we make friends. But then, our childhood never leaves us. It has been the pillar of our personality, no matter how good or bad it has been. And as for me, I have to live with the fact that when I was once a child, I didn’t have as much friends as I had hoped. That discomfort of being with other people still brings butterflies in my stomach, those butterflies that come with big boots thumping me inside to the point that I’d want to back out. My tummy’s like that right now, rolling with discomfort because in the next two days, I’ll face a bus full of strangers. I’m scared, but I have to overcome this fear. I have to be stronger. I have to rely on myself that I can go through this on my own. I’m no longer the 9 year old girl that I used to be, I’ve changed for the better. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for a better ending for this week starting today, because the first three days of my free week in Katipunan have been… blaaaaah. Please please God, hear my prayers. :(

these things again

Why does one hold on so much for the things that he thinks matter? Why are there things one considers to be important and unimportant? And why does it seem like everything is important? Because of this, one cannot ever let go of these “important” things. Why can’t one let go? Why can’t one easily move on? Why does one have to be very sentimental that one tends to hold on to every seemingly vital memory one associates with something?

I’m clearly confused. Instead of speaking out my thoughts, I’m writing them. After taking my two hour nap (I was deciding if I should carry on sleeping till the next day), I fixed my study table and cleared up the post it’s on my wall. I was actually debating with myself whether or not I should throw away these post it’s I’ve had since the start of the semester. Almost all of them contained a memory I wanted myself to remember. They even come with the date and time I wrote them. ^__^ But yeah, I decided to throw them away to clear my table and to give myself a sense of freedom from the first semester. Getting back to my point, it’s not only these post it’s that reminded me of the important things you know. But my point is, why? Why do we hold on to them so much, to the point that we end up stagnated? We can’t move on, even if we are supposed to, even if we are pushed to or forced to. Maybe people can’t move on or let go of the memories they’ve had of something because they’re not just ready yet. But when will we ever be prepared? Sometimes, I wish we just don’t get attached to these things, these feelings, these people in the first place, so we wouldn’t have to let go of anything.

i need a hug

Help me please. :( Please make me stronger, more confident, and more resilient.



Slow Me Down - Emmy Rossum

Rushing and racing
and running in circles
Moving so fast, I’m forgetting my purpose
Blur of the traffic is sending me spinning
Getting nowhere

My head and my heart are colliding, chaotic
Pace of the world
I just wish I could stop it
Try to appear like I’ve got it together
falling apart

Save me
Somebody take my hand, and lead me
Slow me down
Don’t let love pass me by
Just show me how
‘Cause I’m ready to fall
Slow me down
Don’t let me live a lie
Before my life fly by
I need you to slow me down

Sometimes I fear that I might disappear
In the blur of fast forward I faultier again
Forgetting to breathe, I need to sleep
getting nowhere

All that I’ve missed I see in the reflection
Passed me while I wasn’t paying attention
Tired of rushing, racing and running
falling apart

Tell me
Oh won’t you take my hand and lead me
Slow me down
Don’t let love pass me by
Just show me how
‘Cause I’m ready to fall
Slow me down
Don’t let me live a lie
Before my life flys by
I need you to slow me down

Just show me
slow me down, slow me down

The noise of the world is getting me caught up
Chasing the clock and I wish I could stop it
Just need to breathe, somebody please

who's the geek now?

My youngest sister’s sick today. After getting all made up as the flower girl for a family friend’s wedding, she ran a fever immediately after she walked down the aisle. So my parents had to take her home as soon as the mass ended. I wasn’t there when it happened because I was too busy working, but my mom told me my baby sister was crying cos she’s worried she might not be able to finish studying for her quarterly exams, and she’s scared she might not be able to take her exams this coming Monday. Just so you know, this is my seven year old sister talking here okay, not some college student panicking due to an unexpected fever before exams week. So when I heard my mom’s story, I laughed hard since I thought I was just like her before (I used to cry when I can’t bring myself to sleep by 8PM). But my sister’s quite different. I mean, 7 year old kids don’t cry over not being able to go to school for their exams. They get tantrums when their parents fail to buy them the toys they want or when they fight with their siblings. But no, my sister’s a geek. I want to think of a psychological explanation why she’s like this, but my brain’s also on sembreak mode. My mom’s story was just too funny that I felt like sharing.

My sister's sitting beside me right now, despite of feeling all dizzy and nauseous, she's asking me questions about the parable of the Prodigal Son and the Ten Commandments.

because sembreak's the perfect time to waste your time answering surveys

Grabbed from Zyrelle. :) I should be sleeping right now, but the coffee, it's keeping me awake. :/

You're stuck on an elevator with the person you've fallen the hardest for, what do you do?
~ PHWEEEEEE. ;)) ;)) malamang kinikilig na ako during this time di ba, but you gotta play it casually. I'll probably try to keep a conversation going in order to avoid any awkward moment. Or if i'm close to the person, play a game with him ;)) ;)) ;))

Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?
~Depends if I like him or not. If I do, tell him how I feel the same way and then we'd both be happy. If I don't like him, *sigh* sorry dude, I can only be your friend. I'll find him another girl if he wants.

If you're dying and if you ever wanna live to see another day, you're forced to snort cocaine, do you do it?
~Most likely, if it means having a few more days to live.

If you woke up in one of the Saw movies, do you think you could survive?
~Mmmm, I haven't seen any Saw movies, so I don't reall know. But I think I will. :))

You have to dye your hair a different color for the rest of your life, what color do you choose?
~Medium to dark brown hair color complements my skin tone, so yeah, I'd go for brown.

You have to get a tattoo, where and what do you get?
~Eeeeeh, tattooes are dirty :-s Do I really have to get one? 'Cause getting a tattoo risks my chances of being a doctor, so nevermind. :P BUUUT, if i really have to get one, i like the angel wings tattooed on my back, like the one kc montero has? Have you seen that? Uber cool :))

Are you mad about anything?
~I'm frustrated that I can't stop myself from being controlled by my grades :(

Are you listening to music?
~Uh-huh. The Graduation Song by Dave Matthews Band

Do you smoke weed everyday?
~Nope, haven't even tried.

Could you go a month without cursing?
~I don't think so. :|

Are you currently reading a book?
~Well I started reading South of the Border, West of the Sun by Murakami during my trip to Batangas a few hours ago.

Have you ever ridden a horse?
~Yeahhh, ages ago :| Those smelly horses in Tagaytay and Baguio.

What's the funniest movie you've ever seen?
~Superbad? I dunno, I laugh at anything eh even if it's not funny. O_O

Are you scared of sharks?
~Not really. Unless you have had an experience with them, I don't think you'd develop any fear against sharks. That's according to behaviorist perspective I think? :))

What are you wearing?
~Spaghetti-strapped night gown I've been wearing since grade school =))=))

Next president?
~I'm usually apathetic when it comes to politics, but I'd go for Roxas in case he'll run for president. Just cos I've had the chance to interview him before. Heehee.

Can you honestly say that things are running smoothly for you?
~For now yes, since I'm on sembreak mode, but after a month, it'll be back to academic turmoil. :-<

What's your view on taking risks?
~There are things such as measured risks, sometimes it's okay to take risks but if you know that they're not worth it, wag na lang. :P

Would you rather trade in your ipod or computer/laptop and every detail stored in it for 10,000 dollars?
~Give me first some time to transfer all my files before I say yes.

Does your heart come with a key, or is it already taken?
~I'm thinking. Cos a tita of mine once mentioned that we shouldn't keep our hearts locked with a key since it means we're "locking" ourselves up from oppurtunities. So, I have a heart with open doors. HAHAHAHA. Ang cheesy pota :|

How'd your day go, by the way?
~Oh it was fun. Surprised my parents today, cos they thought I'll be coming home on Saturday after finals, but surprise surprise. :)) And oh oh, my laptop's fixed! \:D/ It's unusually fasterrrrrr now. YAY.

Which do you prefer on your toast: butter, jelly, peanut butter, or Nutella?
~butter, lots and lots of butter.

Are you a Gatorade drinker?
~Okay lang, I like the blue one the most. Yucky yun orange, tastes like medicine.

You see a shooting star, do you make a wish?
~Opkors.

How do you handle your hair once you finished washing it?
~Part it, comb it 2 or 3 times, then let it dry on its own.

Do you have relatives living in a different country?
~Yes.

Do you turn on the lamp when it's bright out?
~Uhh no?

Have you ever been addicted to WoW or SC?
~ /:)

When it rains, do you go out and start to dance?
~When I was younger. The first rain of May daw was supposed to be good for the health? Labo I know. :))

What are you listening to right now?
~Cute Without the 'E' by Taking Back Sunday

Do you get carried away with things?
~Yeah, most of the time.

Which is better? Long or short hair?
Contrary to what most people think, short hair is harder to manage. :| Long hair siguro, but then it's too hot to maintain a long hair. For guys, clean cut's always better than long hair. :))

True or False? Goths are losers.
~False. They're just different, that's all. :P

What is the first thing or word that comes to mind when you hear the word EMO?
~Black.

Do you like roller coasters?
~Yes sir. Water rides are also cool.

Do you like high-boots?
~Nah, they don't fit the weather eh.

True or False? Smoking is completely stupid and disgusting.
~Erase completely, they are stupid and disgusting, but then again there are things which are far more stupid and disgusting.

How much do pop-ups suck?
~Very much =)) sorry, wala na ko maisip.

Are puppies cute?
~Cute to look at, but not to touch. :| I don't like pets sorry.

Pancakes are yummy, yes?
~Yes yes yes! Especially with lots of butter and syrup and sausaaaaaage. =P~

Your eye color is:
~Black? Or probably dark dark brown?

What is the meaning of life?
~Mmm, I'l return to this question later. :P

Is lying ok to do if it`s to help someone?
~There's such a thing as a white lie, so I think it's okay IF you're sure it will really really help.

Do you happen to be afraid of heights?
~Not really, I'm more afraid of chickens. "Flying" chickens/roosters are scary :-s

Is it a big deal if someone doesn`t believe in God?
~Belief is a choice, so you're not supposed to bother yourself knowing someone doesn't believe in God. Maybe that person believes in other things?

People who cut themselves are:
~lonely. :(

Do you happen to be bored?
~Yeah, obviously. =))

sembreaaaak

Finally, I’m done for the semester. Actually I’m two days early. My sembreak’s supposed to officially start on Saturday, but thanks to Sir Cuenca’s amazing math skills, I’m fuh-reeeeee. \:D/ I’m working on a really long post right now, but I want to make it a good one so I will be posting it soon. For now, let these pictures show how the latter part of the first semester went.

You can't actually see it, but my planner's been very busy as well. No gray areas (or at least I try to avoid them) for three months. :| And well aside from school shit, my days are usually spent going out with friends or sucking up with org work. HAHA. But it's actually cute seeing my planner and how colorful it has turned.

Bad girls :/ Ayaw makinig ni Pat sa physio lecture eh, look what happened, F for the 2nd LT. Ah well, thanks again Sir Cuenca! You know we love you. And just so you know, that lecture was really really really boring. If I remember it right, he was talking about menstrual cycle and how much sperm is secreted during ejaculation. :O Or maybe not.

We didn't have tickets okay. So we had no choice but to watch on TV, or in this case, on a huge LCD projector at the Blue Eagle Gym. It was surprisingly fun though, cos all the while I thought watching the game on TV compared to watching it live was so lame. Well, it was not as exciting, BUT with a crowd like that, it was okay. Besides, WE WON!!! And I have a championship shirt (thank you dar and nikka!) to prove it.

These were the drinks that gave me that stupid allergy. Well, i only had one glass, i just took a picture of all of them together because i think they look cute in their different colors. :)) Drinking is actually kind of nice. *stops and shrieks with that realization* Only because it makes you feel happy, light and lightheaded. And it's true, it does make you more talkative. Like you actually don't care about what you're saying. Funny funny. Or maybe those are all just part of the placebo effect? Mmm, I dunno, but I wish I don't have this allergy against alcohol cos no one likes seeing her skin turn red and itchy. And I don't like seeing my whole face turn red and my eyes bloodshut.

Despite of the quicksand looking Bel field and my precious purple shoes turning brown, the victory bonfire was fun. Period. No wait, I actually overestimated the event. I thought I'd have a great time, but my friends and I ended up walking around trying to find a spot that's not too muddy. After getting tired of standing and drooling over the athletes, we sat for the rest of the night. Sushi pulubi. =)) Dahil tamad kami at wala nang pera, we sort of stole this platter of sushi and 3/4 bottle of pepsi from other people's table. They left already and sayang naman yung food di ba? And oh, some kid left a stick of pork barbecue... you know what we did with it. =))=))=)) But we're fiiiine, strong intestines eh. HAHA.

letter to a young activist

Do not depend on the hope of results. When you are doing the sort of work you have taken on, essentially an apostolic work, you may have to face the fact that your work will be apparently worthless and even achieve no result at all, if not perhaps results opposite to what you expect. As you get used to this idea, you start more and more to concentrate not on the results but on the value, of the work itself. And there, too, a great deal has to be gone through, as gradually you struggle less and less for an idea and more and more for specific people. The range tends to narrow down, but it gets much more real. In the end it is the reality of personal relationships that saves everything.
You are fed up with words, I don’t blame you. I am nauseated by them sometimes. I am also, to tell the truth, nauseated by ideal and with causes. This sounds like heresy, but I think you will understand what I mean. It is so easy to get engrossed with ideas and slogans and myths that in the end one is left holding the bag, empty, with no trace of meaning left in it. And then the temptation is to yell louder than ever in order to make the meaning be there again by magic. Going through this kind of reaction helps you to guard against this. Your system is complaining of too much verbalizing, and it is right.
… the big results are not in your hands or mine, but they suddenly happen, and we can share in them; but there is no point in building our lives on this personal satisfaction, which may be denied us and which after all is not that important.
The next step in the process is for you to see that your own thinking about what you are doing is crucially important. You are probably striving to build yourself and identity in your own work, out of your work and your witness. You are using it, so to speak, to protect yourself against nothingness, annihilation. That is not right use of your work. All the good that you will do will come not from you but from the fact that you have allowed yourself, in the obedience of faith, to be used by God’s love. think of this more and gradually you will be free from the need to prove yourself, and you can be more open to the power that will work through you without you knowing it.
The great thing after all is to live, not to pour out your life in the service of a myth; and we turn the best things into myths. If you can get free from the domination of causes and just serve Christ’s truth, you will be able to do more and will be less crushed by the inevitable disappointments. Because I see nothing whatever in sight but much disappointment, frustration and confusion.
The real hope, then, is not in something, we think we can do, but in God who is making something good out of it in some way we cannot see. If we can do His will, we will be helping in this process. But we will not necessarily know all about it beforehand…
Enough of this… it is at least a gesture… I will keep you in my prayers.

All the best in Christ,

TOM

For our last physio lecture, Sir Cuenca gave us this handout. He told us that it was okay for us to throw away all our previous readings, except for this one. It was given to him by one of his professors and he has kept this handout for 16 years and still counting. Let it remind us of why we are here and of what should keep us striving. Good read! :)

when angels lead you in

I LOVE THIS DAY. ^_^ After two weeks of endless stress and depression, finally, God answered my prayers. Thank you thank you God. >:D<

Thank you for waking me up early to attend the 7AM mass.
Thank you for the free cut in Chinese.
Thank you for the Psy101 exemption. WHOOOOO.
Thank you for a good Monday weather. No rain! Did you notice?
Thank you for my new Chinese dictionary.
Thank you for treating my allergy.
And thank you for my McDo dinner. (okay, i'm just so happy i wanna thank God for everything)

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a great week this week and hopefully till finals week.

hodgepodge

I promise not to drink ever again, unless I want to end up having another allergy attack. :( I swear, last Friday was my first time to drink after I dunno, 3 years? And I didn't even get drunk. Dizzy, red hot, groggy, yes, but definitely not drunk. And who would have thought I was allergic to alcohol, or to whatever was in that drink I had? :-<

I'm sorry mom, an insect didn't bite me, it was alcohol that brought about these allergies. Please please make it stop, I don't want to go to school scratching my shoulders all day.

***

Okay, so it's almost 11PM over here and I am so not yet done with physio LT. Ohnoes. *slapslapslap* I have to stay awake, I have to finish everything tonight or tomorrow morning. Wish me luck.

***

I was a point away, ONE FRIGGIN POINT away from an A in lab. :(( I want to get an A in Chem Lab in order to pull up my C standing in lecture. I need this, I want this. I will study for it on Monday (hopefully).

***

Bonfire na on Tuesday night! :D :D :D And I dunno, I am seriously excited for this one. I don't even know what's going to happen, but still I am excited. Probably because I feel like the Bonfire would be sort of an end of the year party for everyone. YAAAY, free food. :D

***

I want to eat Chinese. Wala lang, I've been eating everything I see and right now, I'm craving for the things I don't see... Chinese food! I want I want.

truth or truth?

Sometimes, the simplest questions are those that are hardest to answer. And those simple-questions-hard-answers are the ones that are most difficult to accept. And you don’t realize the depth of the questions or the impact of the questions unless they are asked. Otherwise, you don’t think about the things being asked. You forever play naïve to the things you thought don’t exist or refuse to accept the existence of.

I run away from these thoughts, these questions. I repress them as much as I can, but when people fire these thoughts to me, I am more often than not caught off guard. I think of an answer, you know just to satisfy the one asking me the question and then hours later, I still think about those life-changing questions and realize I’ve said the wrong answer. My instincts are not very reliable; they tend to falter almost immediately after I say them.

sucky week

I don't like this week, I don't like it at all.

In spite of the nights without homework or exams the next day that I have been having for the whole week, I can't find a reason to be happy about them. Almost every night, I find myself thinking real hard, contemplating why I've been feeling so down. During the day, I'd be my normal self, but come night time, I'd be like this. Did you ever experience crying for no reason at all? I mean, probably you're crying because of something, but you just can't figure out what that something is. It's been like that for three nights, and I don't find it good at all. It would've been better if I had been feeling depressed for a reason, but I just can't pull out the strings. I hate feeling like this. Nobody likes it anyway. Gaaaah.

i had this homework for physiology wherein we were asked to write a reflection paper about a certain movie. the homework was announced a week before the submission. and i'm usually the type of person who does her homework immediately after it has been announced. but what do you know, night before the submission and i still haven't started on it, not a single phrase for my reflection paper. i ended up cramming for it the entire night until past 2 in the morning that i ended up oversleeping, enough for me to miss yoga. anyway, this happened again the other night for another paper to be written for general psych. no work done days ahead => cram night before => oversleeping for the next day.

i'm not like this really. maybe it's because i've just been too tired with more important school work or org work that i often run out of energy to do other homework. or maybe i've been too preoccupied with the not so important things. i find it hard now to distinguish which one's more important than the other, 'cause now, everything seems vital to me. kind of screwed, i know. or maybe the muse has left. maybe whatever's left of the creative juices i once had has emptied out. i refuse to believe that i can't write a decent reflection paper anymore. i mean, writing has been the only thing that i have practiced. it's the only skill i'm willing enough to share to other people. and for my muse to wear off would mean losing something very very big. i want to continue writing.i want to my thoughts to flow easily and freely as i type them out. but wear-and-tear theory says that overusing something for so long would cause this something to eventually tear off and die. :-< i'd be helpless when that time comes. i don't know where i would find myself when that day when i can no longer write anything comes. i'm not even good at it, and to lose it would even make this life more miserable. *breathes and realizes the exaggeration of the problem*

i was thinking of a way to connect my writing to my helplessness then to other people's helplessness, but it's taking too long so lemme just jump right to it. my psychology professor tells us that each one of us has this instinct or urge to be involved with everything, to help other people when the situation calls for it. it's like we all want to be the good samaritan to everyone, but then bystander effect hinders us from doing so.we know we all want to help someone in need, but then if we realize that there are people whom we thought can also help this person in need, we tend to pass that responsibility of helping to those other helpful people. so i question myself, what am i supposed to do if there are these specific people who i want to help, but then restrain myself from doing so simply because i feel like they don't want to be helped? does my psych prof's theory support that thought? i mean, here i am, being the warmhearted person that i am, offering my help to someone whom i feel refuses to be helped. that's indirect rejection we have right there. who is the one being helpless? and why do people refuse or reject help when any form of helping (or involvement for that matter) can never be a bad thing? should that cause me to stop helping and let these people be? what about guilt?

i think it would be best if we don't refuse at all.^_^ offering help => no rejection => no guilt from rejection => happy people. now that's not such a bad thing right?

these things

In today’s NSTP processing session, a groupmate shared a story on how different the phrase “to live” meant for animals and for humans. He said when animals “say” to live, they pertain to breathing, eating, and sleeping. But when humans speak of to live, we talk of things other than our basic needs. We talk about the things that make us alive. These are the things that help us live, things that keep us alive, things that give life to us. And what are these things? To realize the things that help us to live is a purely subjective and personal notion. What makes me alive may probably be different from what makes another individual alive. Nonetheless, I contemplated real hard on the things that give me a rush, on the things that ask me to live.

To give back
As part of our processing session, we were asked on how we consider NSTP. Courtesy bias aside, I said it was a channel of helping me realize that there exists two different worlds and that one of the two worlds is not as privileged as the other. Belonging in the more blessed group, I have the opportunity to realize this and later on do something about it, to make a difference. NSTP gives us the chance to try remolding the triangle we all live in because we can convert this triangle into a square where in two different worlds no longer exist. Spending my Saturday mornings in Montalban is a way for me to try and give back whatever I have been receiving to those kids. And to realize that I am actually accomplishing this goal of giving back gives me that fuzzy feeling that I am actually helping.

To remember
When I say remember, I like to point out on the littlest things, those details that most people usually forget. Like the last time someone sent you a hug emoticon? Or the number of times your crush said your name? Or maybe the color of his or her shirt when he or she met you? These are things we tend to forget since they don’t seem to be very important when in fact, for me, these may be the details that really matter. ‘Cause it’s when we remember these tiny bits that we recall how important a particular moment was since a big important picture starts with small seemingly unimportant pictures right? Getting my drift? I’m thinking that if we can remember even the tiniest detail of things, it just proves how important that particular something may be.

To feel your heart jumping
Every morning I pray that I hope to have a reason for my heart to jump or for my heartbeat to stop even for a millisecond. When does this actually happen? Mmm, when I get excited for something? When I get surprises? When something unexpected comes my way? When I hear a good story or a good joke? Usually those things, no matter how small, which seem to make my day a little better. It’s good to know that sometimes, things find their way into me and just make me feel a lot better when I needed something to pick me up.

To love and learn
HAHAHA. This is getting really cheesy, but oh well let’s continue. They say you don’t look for love, it finds you. Now this reminds me of the sacrament of waiting; we wait for love to happen because something can only be considered true love if it can wait. However, in case love fails, our only fallback is that we’ve learned. We learn the things we’re supposed to do and the things we’re not supposed to say or do next time. And besides, love is not always a romantic entity. Love is when you remember to say good morning to your parents. Love is when you listen to your friend’s problems. Love is when you take the initiative to share your umbrella. Love is when you give random hugs to people, hoping they’d appreciate the gesture.

To accept failure
Failure is like pain, you wouldn’t know it’s important unless you feel it. And knowing that it is important helps you realize that it is something you actually need in your life, something that makes you live. And I know to realize is hard enough for anyone to take in, what more in accepting it. Wouldn’t it be worse if we were to live a life without mistakes? We wouldn’t know if what we are doing is right or wrong since we’d be thinking we are right all the time, and we all know that’s not always right. It’s a matter of balance of successes and failures; whatever we fail to achieve equals to us gaining more than we have lost.

When humans live, they do so not only to survive but also to realize that we live not only for ourselves.

***

Oops, I didn’t foresee I’d be writing a long one tonight. Maybe I just missed writing about the cheesy things instead of ranting about school-related stress.

on a monday

Today is Monday and in two days it will be Wednesday. I can't wait for Wednesday. Wednesday will be freeeeeedom. Wednesday will be a great day. Wednesday is my happy day. Wednesday will feel like Friday, only it's Wednesday and not Friday.

But today is still just Monday. Two more days. It'll soon be over, and I thought it won't but it is. And I'm excited for it.

***

The "ber" months have started. I can smell Christmas already. =)) =)) =))

***

Never in my life have I not prepared for a long exam until now. Slapslapslap, and it's still not working. My body is refusing to take anymore Physio thoughts. It wants food, vacation and anything not related to the brain. It wants sleep. And yeah, I think I want sleep too.

125 days before Christmas

After more than two months, I gave up. I thought I was strong enough. I thought I’d keep my promise to stay alive, to stay determined. But I didn’t, I just failed myself. I know I was doing good, keeping up with the stress and all. I kept on telling myself the next week will be better, the next month will be easier, but they never were. It never ends. And tonight, I realized that. No matter how much I think that the long exams and projects will soon be over, those subjects never seem to run out of sadistic tasks for me to accomplish. I’m really really tired. And tonight, I finally gave in; no more masks of determination or perseverance. My emotions overpowered my will.


It’s that heavy feeling again, the one that creeps behind me and slowly pulls me down. It’s like carrying 5 chemistry books in one hand while the other hand’s busy joggling my statistics and psych books, and I’m about to lose control and let all the books fall into the mud.

***

I can't wait for the holidays. And by that I meant the ones that do not require me to study for exams or to cram a multimedia presentation.

then what?

Got this one from a blockmate. Read read!

The Sacrament of Waiting by Fr. James Donelan, S.J.

The English poet John Milton once wrote that those who serve stand and wait. I think I would go further and say that those who wait render the highest form of service. Waiting requires more discipline, more self-control and emotional maturity, more unshakeable faith in our cause, more unwavering hope in the future, more sustaining love in our hearts than all the great deeds of derring-do that go by the name of action.

Waiting is a mystery—a natural sacrament of life. There is a meaning hidden in all the times we have to wait. It must be an important mystery because there is so much waiting in our lives.

Everyday is filled with those little moments of waiting—testing our patience and our nerves, schooling us in our self-control— pasensya na lang. We wait for meals to be served, for a letter to arrive, for a friend, concerts and circuses. Our airline terminals, railway stations, and bus depots are temples of waiting filled with men and women who wait in joy for the arrival of a loved one—or wait in sadness to say goodbye and to give that last wave of hand. We wait for birthdays and vacations; we wait for Christmas. We wait for spring to come or autumn—for the rains to begin or stop.

And we wait for ourselves to grow from childhood to maturity. We wait for those inner voices that tell us when we are ready for the next step. We wait for graduation, for our first job, our first promotion. We wait for success, and recognition. We wait to grow up—to reach the stage where we make our own decision.

We cannot remove this waiting from our lives. It is part of the tapestry of living—the fabric in which the threads are woven that tell the story of our lives.

Yet the current philosophies would have us forget the need to wait. “Grab all the gusto you can get.” So reads one of America’s great beer advertisements— Get it now. Instant pleasure—instant transcendence. Don’t wait for anything. Life is short—eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow you’ll die. And so they rationalize us into accepting unlicensed and irresponsible freedom—premarital sex and extramarital affairs—they warn against attachment and commitment, against expecting anything of anybody, or allowing them to expect anything of us, against vows and promises, against duty and responsibility, against dropping any anchors in the currents of our life that will cause us to hold and to wait.

This may be the correct prescription for pleasure—but even that is fleeting and doubtful. What was it Shakespeare said about the mad pursuit of pleasure? “Past reason hunted, and once had, past reason hated.” Now if we wish to be real human beings, spirit as well as flesh, souls as well as heart, we have to learn to love someone else other than ourselves.

For most of all waiting means waiting for someone else. It is a mystery brushing by our face everyday like stray wind or a leaf falling from a tree. Anyone who has ever loved knows how much waiting goes into it, how much waiting is important for love to grow, to flourish through a lifetime.

Why is this so? Why can’t we have love right now—two years, three years, five years—and seemingly waste so much time? You might as well ask why a tree should take so long to bear fruit, the seed to flower, carbon to change into a diamond.

There is no simple answer, no more than there is to life’s demands: having to say goodbye to someone you love because either you or they have already made other commitments, or because they have to grow and find the meaning of their own lives, having yourself to leave home and loved ones to find your path. Goodbyes, like waiting, are also sacraments of our lives.

All we know is that growth—the budding, the flowering of love needs patient waiting. We have to give each other time to grow. There is no way we can make someone else truly love us or we love them, except through time. So we give each other that mysterious gift of waiting—of being present without making demands or asking rewards. There is nothing harder to do than this. It tests the depth and sincerity of our love. But there is life in the gift we give.

So lovers wait for each other until they can see things the same way, or let each other freely see things in quite different ways. What do we lose when lovers hurt each other and cannot regain the balance and intimacy of the way they were? They have to wait—in silence—but still be present to each other until the pain subsides to an ache and then only a memory, and the threads of the tapestry can be woven together again in a single love story.

What do we lose when we refuse to wait? When we try to find short cuts through life, when we try to incubate love and rush blindly and foolishly into a commitment we are neither mature nor responsible enough to assume? We lose the hope of ever truly loving or being loved. Think of all the great love stories of history and literature. Isn’t it of their very essence that they are filled with the strange but common mystery—that waiting is part of the substance, the basic fabric—against which the story of that true love is written?

How can we ever find either life or love if we are too impatient to wait for it?

But isn't this what all girls have been doing? All our lives, we've been waiting and hoping that faithful day would come. But then, when exactly do we know that it's time to stop waiting? Do we actually stop? And if everyone else (boys and girls) thinks waiting is the best thing to do, who then will be the one to make the move? We keep on waiting till we get tired of it then? Hmmm.

But what can I do right? It's my job to wait, and probably soon enough, everything will pay off. Hopefully.

calm down

Pagod na pagod na ako.

I keep on telling myself to push a little further, to take some more baby steps until I get to the end. Everything will be over soon. In less than two months, I’d get my much-awaited rest. But then if you think about it, that would be two more months of physical, intellectual and emotional turmoil. There are those days (or nights) when you feel like giving up already and just letting everything fall into place(and hopefully they would). Like you no longer want to think about what’s going to happen to your exam tomorrow, what will happen to tomorrow’s report or to your unfinished homework.

You just don’t fucking care anymore.

:-s

Why do people aim for perfection?

Why can't people aim for the lowest instead of the highest?

How come people don't know when enough is enough?

Why do people stress themselves out so much for something they won't feel satisfied on in the end?

Why does everything have to depend on time?

Why can't people ever be sure of anything?

Why give all this time and energy and passion for something people can never be sure of?

Why take risks?

Why not just let things come to us, since I think things eventually will?

Why do people ask?

Why do people make things complicated, when in fact they really are very simple?

Why can't people realize that an apple is red just because it is?

Why question when you know you won't get any answers?


It's one of those nights when I feel like lying down, but not to sleep, just to think. And then I begin to ask these questions, random and unrelated. I'm not waiting for answers or reasons behind my questions because I know these queries are sometimes not meant to be answered. They're just questions, kind of like rhetorical questions, but the only thing that makes these questions different is how they make me think about of them no matter how much I try not to.

you llllliiiiieeee

This is a pretty senseless game, but I like it anyway. What age will I get married?

[X] I know how to make a cup of coffee. This is of course when we're talking about instant 3 in 1 coffee.
[ ] I keep track of dates using a calendar. A planner's different from a calendar right? :-?
[ ] I own more than one credit card.
[ ] I know how to change the oil in my car/bike.
[ ] I do my own laundry.
[X] I vote every election.
[X] I can cook for myself. Breakfast food or fried food only.
[ ] I think politics is exciting.
[ ] I balance my checkbook.
[X] My parents have better things to say than my friends.

total: 4

[X] I show up for school/college/work everyday early.
[ ] I always carry a pen in my pocket/purse.
[X] I've never gotten a detention.
[X] I have never tried drugs.
[X] I have never gotten completely trashed.
[ ] I have forgotten my own birthday at least once.
[X] I like to take walks by myself.
[X] I've watched talk shows.
[X] I know what 'credibility' means without looking it up.
[X] I drink coffee at least once a week.

total: 8

[X] I know how to do the dishes
[X] I can count 1 to 10 in another language
[X] When I say I'm going to do something I do it.
[X] My parents trust me.
[ ] I can mown the lawn.
[ ] I can make adults laugh without being stupid.
[ ] I remember to water the plants.
[X] I study when I have to.
[X] I pay attention at school/college.
[ ] I remember to feed my pets. I don't have one :|

total: 6

[X] I can spell 'experience' without looking it up.
[ ] I work out on a regular basis.
[X] I clean up my own mess.
[ ] The people at Gloria Jeans know me by name.
[ ] My favorite kind of food is takeout.
[X] I have gained weight since middle/high school. =(( =(( =((
[ ] The first thing I do when I wake up is get caffeine.
[ ] I can't go out of the store without getting something I don't need.
[ ] I understand political jokes the first time they are said. Politics = boring
[ ]I can type quickly.

total: 3

[ ] I have realized that the weather forecast changes every hour.
[ ] My only friends are from my place of employment.
[ ] I have been to a Tupperware party. What the hell is a Tupperware party?
[ ] I have realized that no one will take you seriously unless you are over the age of 25 and have a job.
[ ] I have more bills that I can pay.
[ ] Most of my friends are older than I am
[X] I can say no to staying out all night.
[X] I use the internet every day.
[X] My wardrobe hasn't changed for a while.
[X] I can read a book and actually finish it.

total: 4

add up all the numbers. total = 25 :|

NOOOOO. The survey lies. I can't get married at 25, I'd still be in med school during that time. And besides, who wants to get married at a super young age anyway? Certainly not me. Nah-uh, screw the survey. =)) =))

in between sleep and study

I seriously have a sleeping problem now. For almost four hours, all I have been doing is sleeping or dozing off every 30 minutes of "studying" that I end up forgetting what I have read for chem lab exam tomorrow. And it's starting to get scary since now, I feel so unprepared for the exam tomorrow. :(( :(( :(( Why am I sleeping? Why can't I stay awake and clamor for more chem time? I know I should sleep and try to wake up earlier tomorrow to finish studying, but I fear that waking up early might not be as effective as it were during high school.

So I say slap slap slap myself to keep me awake until i don't know, 3am? and then sleep till I get bored of it. :-< I'm screwed that way, I know.

when fools rush in

Erik Erikson states that adolescents ages 16-21 are in the conflict of identity versus role confusion. It’s during this period that we are on the search of our own identity, supposedly not influenced by friends or other people around us. Failing to realize who we are, what we’re good at, what our passion is or on what part of society we belong delays the period of adolescence. And worse, delay leads to role confusion. In simple words, role confusion is not being able to identify ourselves among others that we are likely to copy or imitate instead of creating our own unique persona. Other than role confusion, Erikson states that we can’t really advance into the next stage, young adulthood, if we fail adolescence. In young adulthood, it’s an argument between intimacy and isolation. And this is where we begin to think. How many friends do I know have had relationships during the adolescence period? A LOT. And how many of these relationships last? Only 5 or 7% did.

Relationships during adolescence barely last primarily because it’s just not time for those things. Adolescence focuses on gaining our identity, and by identity it doesn’t mean knowing us as the girlfriends or boyfriends of [insert partner’s name here]. I don’t think anyone wants to be known that way, right right? But why then do we continue to want a relationship? Why do we keep on hoping and waiting someone would approach us and tell us he or she likes us? Why do we even entertain this kind of thoughts despite knowing that now isn’t the right time to think about intimacy? The theories are there, laid out flat for us, to grab and to hold, but we refuse to follow them or worse ignore them, because we'd rather let our own selves take their own course in dealing with such things. And by not minding the theories, we end up defeated still. The facts win, our own foolish selves lose.

If everything is supported by a theory, that would mean everything is provided with a reason right? But then why when we are asked to provide a meaning for something, we can't readily give reasons for things? We end up dumbfounded, unintelligent and naive of why things are.

11:11 PM

August really isn't the best month. The only things keeping me alive now are breakfast food for dinner, received messages from random people and plastic covered text books and pocket books. And what about the things that are killing me? :-<

***

I want my own tarot deck. I want answers to my questions. NOW.

***

08.08.08 this Friday. It's supposed to be a lucky day, so let's keep our fingers crossed. YAY.



All that I have is all that I forgot to say, all that made you run away.

by-line's are never overrated

When was the last time I wrote something – something worth reading, insightful, substantial? It’s been more than six months since I was last given a minute assignment for KATIPUNAN. The last article I wrote was a news feature on the newly elected Sanggunian officers. I worked hard on that article, knowing that it would be my first full page article to be published. After waiting for more than six months, no news was given about the publication. I never told anyone how hard it was for me to accept that even once, I was not granted the chance to see my by-line in sections of the magazine other than the minutes pages. But still, I continued to hang on to KATIPUNAN hoping that I would get my big break soon.

Nonetheless, let me indulge myself with the freedom to publish my article. Just so that I'd be able to say that it was indeed "published".

On Relevance of Student Governance

By Almira V. Uy

The Sanggunian ng mga Mag-aaral recently surprised everyone, including its own officers, with the resignation of its current president Karl Satinitigan. Apart from his resignation, other top Sanggu officers also resigned from their posts late last year explaining that they have chosen to prioritize their studies above anything else. Meanwhile, Satinitigan’s signing off from his post was only revealed to public after Cabrei Cabreira, appointed Sanggu president, announced on February 7 her taking-over. The issues surrounding the Sanggunian now triggered the student body to question the relevance and visibility of the Student Council to the Ateneo community.

Reasons behind its fallback

Satinitigan’s resignation is not considered as the sole reason for the Sanggu’s current rocky situation. But losing Satinitigan is compared as to being “beheaded” as Pepi Sison (BS HSc ’10), SY 2008-2009 Secretary General states. She tells how the Student Council has become a handicapped system after Satinitigan left. The remaining officers are obliged to take up more workload in replacement of those who have left the Council. Aside from Cabrera replacing Satinitigan, other representatives take up the positions of the officers who resigned along with the obligations they hold. However, Satinitigan’s resignation is only part of the problems that Sanggu continues to experience. Newly elected Sanggunian president Omi Castañar (AB DevS ’09) tells that Satinitigan’s resignation must “not be an excuse” for the rest of the Sanggunian to not fulfill their responsibilities for the student body. There are 43 other officers who can work together and accomplish the tasks left behind.

“One of the main problems about the Sanggu was how the Council does not assert its roles as a representation of the community,” Castañar relates. The Sanggunian has failed to communicate between and among the students. Lack of interaction with the community has led to doubts on Sanggu’s visibility to the students. This leads to the issue of the alarming number of abstainees from the past and current elections. Candidates running for different positions have lost to abstain, mainly because, as the student voters defend, they [voters] were not familiar to the candidates of both parties. They believe that choosing to abstain is more efficient than voting for candidates they do not know. Nonetheless, Sison defends that voters who abstain mainly chose to do so, not because of apathy, but simply due to unfamiliarity or unawareness of the candidates.

In addition to lack of representation to the community, Sanggu, as Castañar states, has failed to support its roles to other organizations, including sectors and units. Primarily, the Sanggunian is elected by the students in order for the Council to extend its hands to other organizations within the community and to organize events for the sectors and units. The Sanggunian originally possessed the mandate to handle everything; however, privatization problems have occurred and have led Sanggu to leave all the projects to the decision of the different orgs. This situation has revealed Sanggu’s lack of coordination with regards to organizing events and managing the organizations. “Sanggu has shown itself as an inefficient body filled with problems,” says Castañar.

Apart from issues on representation, Sison adds that “lack of permanency” has become a problem for the Sanggunian. She considers that a year is not enough for their projects to be fully accomplished. The secretary-general says that there is no continuity of work and goals; the inability of completing all the designed projects for one year signify not appreciating or understanding what a certain project would give to the student body. Moreover, the differences in the goals or platforms of each batch of officers contribute to the partial completion of the previous projects.

Party Politics?

Besides the external issues experienced by Sanggu, internal party politics has been rumored to have affected the working force of Sanggu. Party politics covers the issue on certain political parties working together under one student council. Representatives from Ibig Agila, Partido Ignacio or independent partisans are expected by the voters to disregard the parties they’re coming from and work together as a single group. In line with this, Sison, who have worked with Sanggu for more than two years, firmly believes that there is no party politics going on inside the Sanggunian. “Those are just rumors,” Sison said. Furthermore, she adds that party politics may have occurred only during campaign periods, but other than that, the officers work well with each other. Also, Sison says that they [officers] do not choose the people they work with, but leave it to the student body’s decision. In line with Sison’s statements, Jojo Dumrique (AB MEco ’11), SOSS Executive Officer, states that having political parties enable the representatives to have their personal principles agree with their respective parties. Belonging to a party means having people back you up and support your beliefs when it comes to serving the student body.

Meanwhile, issues on independent partisans are considered another story. Castañar who ran independently during the most recent elections, admits that the most common problem of autonomous candidates like him is finding resources. Campaign materials, number of supporters and the campaign itself are the main problems an independent candidate like Castañar had to put up with. He also says that two weeks is not enough for the candidates to introduce themselves to the voters and for the partisans to explain their platforms. Moreover, being independent, Castañar fears that students would vote for him, only because he was different from the rest of the candidates. He wanted the students to vote for him because they share a common belief through his platforms. Nonetheless, Castañar remains thankful for having won the 2008-2009 Sanggu elections.

Two-way Blame

However, for an effective Student Council to be fully appreciated, it must be a two-way process. Aside from the Sanggunian working for the student body, the students are entitled to help Sanggu as well. And as the issue on relevance has been opened, students are expected to react and to voice out whatever they have to say about Sanggu. The Gadfly Society, which published its comments on the net regarding Satinitigan’s non-enrollment, opened ways, in Castañar’s opinion, for students to realize what has been happening to the Student Council. The group’s statement triggers questions on the part of the readers and to those who are concerned about the issue. Moreover, Dumrique indicates that Gadfly Society gave off a sign that Sanggu must start giving the students what they need and what they want. Otherwise students, other than Gadfly Society, would continue to awaken and to help students realize the issues concerning the Sanggunian.

Defining relevance from irrelevance

And as a new year is given to Sanggu, the Council is given the chance to prove its relevance to the whole community. And to be relevant, according to Dumrique, is to be able to show that one fulfills his part and continues to show his purpose. Meanwhile, Sison relates that being irrelevant is not answering the students’ needs. Along with this, she indicates that a reason why students think that Sanggu has become irrelevant to them is because there is no leveling of expectations. “Hindi nagtutugma. [they both do not coincide.]” And in order for both sides to appreciate each other, there must be a leveling of expectations. Students should be able to know what the Sanggunian can do for them, and what the students expect Sanggu to do for them as well.

On Gaining Back the Trust

In order to bring back the relevance and the original reputation of the Sanggunian, certain steps must be taken by the Council. Castañar shares that the main solution is to gain back the trust of the students and the organizations. This is accomplished by simultaneously working with other groups in order to obtain proper coordination. A lot of projects have been organized in the past years, but little participations have been given to these activities. Castañar believes that if these organizations who come up with projects serving the same purpose can group together to form a bigger project, better feedback can be expected. Aside from that, Dumrique emphasizes on focusing on quality versus quantity. This involves knowing what the basic needs of the students are and concentrating on these essentials. Furthermore, he states that the Sanggunian officers must set an example as student leaders to the rest of the student body. And to be effective student leaders means being able to give service to their constituents and balancing work with their academics.

With these steps, Sanggu may still be capable of changing its reputation and proving its relevance to the Ateneo community. “It will be a year of change,” says Castañar. Although these changes do not refer to radical changes in the constitutions, he affirms that the Sanggunian will continue doing their job and what they are supposed to do. And this involves gaining back the trust and improving Sanggu’s poor performance, as reflected by the students’ opinions. It will be a change of identity, from being irrelevant to a stronger and more transparent Student Council. Sison adds that as it becomes a year of change, the Sanggunian continues to learn from the past and to make up for the mistakes it has committed.