painful

Earlier today, I was running errands with a friend and talking about some shit that I normally don’t feel like talking about because, well, it hurts. There, I finally said it. I’ve been meaning to write something about it, but failed to do so only because putting my feelings into words somehow tells me that it is real, that the pain is here. But what the heck, it’s not the only thing that’s hurting me right now. I’ve got this minor shoulder pain due to my lack of capacity to do a proper rolling in Judo. I hate it. I try really really hard to understand the new lesson, but I just can’t. I end up making a fool of myself, while the rest of the class plus the varsity people look at me like I’m some crippled loser who can’t even execute a simple step.

And well, aside from the pain Judo’s been giving me for the past few weeks, my grades have been spanking me lately, slapping me to do better, to read the chapters and to write book notes. I don’t know why this semester is giving me all these bad energy, and worse part is, I can’t point my finger to anything or to anyone. This is all on me, me and my screwed decisions. I want to do better this semester. Although I’m extremely thankful for the turnout of the first semester, I’m scared for the current semester. People have been telling me that this sem will be easy, that my grades will reach their highest, but those comments just keep on raising me to the pedestal and pressuring me that I am supposed to do better, or else. Gaaaah.

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When something ends or at least you think it's ending, does that actually guarantee that something is opening up for you? What if that window remains closed and you end up waiting for it to open, not knowing that it will never again open? I think, people are scared to put an end to something, because we are scared that we'll remain stagnated. We are afraid that nothing will be left for us. That's why we hang on to some bit of hope, because we refuse to believe that a window is closing.

I'm a walking splinter of hope. :)