125 days before Christmas

After more than two months, I gave up. I thought I was strong enough. I thought I’d keep my promise to stay alive, to stay determined. But I didn’t, I just failed myself. I know I was doing good, keeping up with the stress and all. I kept on telling myself the next week will be better, the next month will be easier, but they never were. It never ends. And tonight, I realized that. No matter how much I think that the long exams and projects will soon be over, those subjects never seem to run out of sadistic tasks for me to accomplish. I’m really really tired. And tonight, I finally gave in; no more masks of determination or perseverance. My emotions overpowered my will.


It’s that heavy feeling again, the one that creeps behind me and slowly pulls me down. It’s like carrying 5 chemistry books in one hand while the other hand’s busy joggling my statistics and psych books, and I’m about to lose control and let all the books fall into the mud.

***

I can't wait for the holidays. And by that I meant the ones that do not require me to study for exams or to cram a multimedia presentation.

then what?

Got this one from a blockmate. Read read!

The Sacrament of Waiting by Fr. James Donelan, S.J.

The English poet John Milton once wrote that those who serve stand and wait. I think I would go further and say that those who wait render the highest form of service. Waiting requires more discipline, more self-control and emotional maturity, more unshakeable faith in our cause, more unwavering hope in the future, more sustaining love in our hearts than all the great deeds of derring-do that go by the name of action.

Waiting is a mystery—a natural sacrament of life. There is a meaning hidden in all the times we have to wait. It must be an important mystery because there is so much waiting in our lives.

Everyday is filled with those little moments of waiting—testing our patience and our nerves, schooling us in our self-control— pasensya na lang. We wait for meals to be served, for a letter to arrive, for a friend, concerts and circuses. Our airline terminals, railway stations, and bus depots are temples of waiting filled with men and women who wait in joy for the arrival of a loved one—or wait in sadness to say goodbye and to give that last wave of hand. We wait for birthdays and vacations; we wait for Christmas. We wait for spring to come or autumn—for the rains to begin or stop.

And we wait for ourselves to grow from childhood to maturity. We wait for those inner voices that tell us when we are ready for the next step. We wait for graduation, for our first job, our first promotion. We wait for success, and recognition. We wait to grow up—to reach the stage where we make our own decision.

We cannot remove this waiting from our lives. It is part of the tapestry of living—the fabric in which the threads are woven that tell the story of our lives.

Yet the current philosophies would have us forget the need to wait. “Grab all the gusto you can get.” So reads one of America’s great beer advertisements— Get it now. Instant pleasure—instant transcendence. Don’t wait for anything. Life is short—eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow you’ll die. And so they rationalize us into accepting unlicensed and irresponsible freedom—premarital sex and extramarital affairs—they warn against attachment and commitment, against expecting anything of anybody, or allowing them to expect anything of us, against vows and promises, against duty and responsibility, against dropping any anchors in the currents of our life that will cause us to hold and to wait.

This may be the correct prescription for pleasure—but even that is fleeting and doubtful. What was it Shakespeare said about the mad pursuit of pleasure? “Past reason hunted, and once had, past reason hated.” Now if we wish to be real human beings, spirit as well as flesh, souls as well as heart, we have to learn to love someone else other than ourselves.

For most of all waiting means waiting for someone else. It is a mystery brushing by our face everyday like stray wind or a leaf falling from a tree. Anyone who has ever loved knows how much waiting goes into it, how much waiting is important for love to grow, to flourish through a lifetime.

Why is this so? Why can’t we have love right now—two years, three years, five years—and seemingly waste so much time? You might as well ask why a tree should take so long to bear fruit, the seed to flower, carbon to change into a diamond.

There is no simple answer, no more than there is to life’s demands: having to say goodbye to someone you love because either you or they have already made other commitments, or because they have to grow and find the meaning of their own lives, having yourself to leave home and loved ones to find your path. Goodbyes, like waiting, are also sacraments of our lives.

All we know is that growth—the budding, the flowering of love needs patient waiting. We have to give each other time to grow. There is no way we can make someone else truly love us or we love them, except through time. So we give each other that mysterious gift of waiting—of being present without making demands or asking rewards. There is nothing harder to do than this. It tests the depth and sincerity of our love. But there is life in the gift we give.

So lovers wait for each other until they can see things the same way, or let each other freely see things in quite different ways. What do we lose when lovers hurt each other and cannot regain the balance and intimacy of the way they were? They have to wait—in silence—but still be present to each other until the pain subsides to an ache and then only a memory, and the threads of the tapestry can be woven together again in a single love story.

What do we lose when we refuse to wait? When we try to find short cuts through life, when we try to incubate love and rush blindly and foolishly into a commitment we are neither mature nor responsible enough to assume? We lose the hope of ever truly loving or being loved. Think of all the great love stories of history and literature. Isn’t it of their very essence that they are filled with the strange but common mystery—that waiting is part of the substance, the basic fabric—against which the story of that true love is written?

How can we ever find either life or love if we are too impatient to wait for it?

But isn't this what all girls have been doing? All our lives, we've been waiting and hoping that faithful day would come. But then, when exactly do we know that it's time to stop waiting? Do we actually stop? And if everyone else (boys and girls) thinks waiting is the best thing to do, who then will be the one to make the move? We keep on waiting till we get tired of it then? Hmmm.

But what can I do right? It's my job to wait, and probably soon enough, everything will pay off. Hopefully.

calm down

Pagod na pagod na ako.

I keep on telling myself to push a little further, to take some more baby steps until I get to the end. Everything will be over soon. In less than two months, I’d get my much-awaited rest. But then if you think about it, that would be two more months of physical, intellectual and emotional turmoil. There are those days (or nights) when you feel like giving up already and just letting everything fall into place(and hopefully they would). Like you no longer want to think about what’s going to happen to your exam tomorrow, what will happen to tomorrow’s report or to your unfinished homework.

You just don’t fucking care anymore.

:-s

Why do people aim for perfection?

Why can't people aim for the lowest instead of the highest?

How come people don't know when enough is enough?

Why do people stress themselves out so much for something they won't feel satisfied on in the end?

Why does everything have to depend on time?

Why can't people ever be sure of anything?

Why give all this time and energy and passion for something people can never be sure of?

Why take risks?

Why not just let things come to us, since I think things eventually will?

Why do people ask?

Why do people make things complicated, when in fact they really are very simple?

Why can't people realize that an apple is red just because it is?

Why question when you know you won't get any answers?


It's one of those nights when I feel like lying down, but not to sleep, just to think. And then I begin to ask these questions, random and unrelated. I'm not waiting for answers or reasons behind my questions because I know these queries are sometimes not meant to be answered. They're just questions, kind of like rhetorical questions, but the only thing that makes these questions different is how they make me think about of them no matter how much I try not to.

you llllliiiiieeee

This is a pretty senseless game, but I like it anyway. What age will I get married?

[X] I know how to make a cup of coffee. This is of course when we're talking about instant 3 in 1 coffee.
[ ] I keep track of dates using a calendar. A planner's different from a calendar right? :-?
[ ] I own more than one credit card.
[ ] I know how to change the oil in my car/bike.
[ ] I do my own laundry.
[X] I vote every election.
[X] I can cook for myself. Breakfast food or fried food only.
[ ] I think politics is exciting.
[ ] I balance my checkbook.
[X] My parents have better things to say than my friends.

total: 4

[X] I show up for school/college/work everyday early.
[ ] I always carry a pen in my pocket/purse.
[X] I've never gotten a detention.
[X] I have never tried drugs.
[X] I have never gotten completely trashed.
[ ] I have forgotten my own birthday at least once.
[X] I like to take walks by myself.
[X] I've watched talk shows.
[X] I know what 'credibility' means without looking it up.
[X] I drink coffee at least once a week.

total: 8

[X] I know how to do the dishes
[X] I can count 1 to 10 in another language
[X] When I say I'm going to do something I do it.
[X] My parents trust me.
[ ] I can mown the lawn.
[ ] I can make adults laugh without being stupid.
[ ] I remember to water the plants.
[X] I study when I have to.
[X] I pay attention at school/college.
[ ] I remember to feed my pets. I don't have one :|

total: 6

[X] I can spell 'experience' without looking it up.
[ ] I work out on a regular basis.
[X] I clean up my own mess.
[ ] The people at Gloria Jeans know me by name.
[ ] My favorite kind of food is takeout.
[X] I have gained weight since middle/high school. =(( =(( =((
[ ] The first thing I do when I wake up is get caffeine.
[ ] I can't go out of the store without getting something I don't need.
[ ] I understand political jokes the first time they are said. Politics = boring
[ ]I can type quickly.

total: 3

[ ] I have realized that the weather forecast changes every hour.
[ ] My only friends are from my place of employment.
[ ] I have been to a Tupperware party. What the hell is a Tupperware party?
[ ] I have realized that no one will take you seriously unless you are over the age of 25 and have a job.
[ ] I have more bills that I can pay.
[ ] Most of my friends are older than I am
[X] I can say no to staying out all night.
[X] I use the internet every day.
[X] My wardrobe hasn't changed for a while.
[X] I can read a book and actually finish it.

total: 4

add up all the numbers. total = 25 :|

NOOOOO. The survey lies. I can't get married at 25, I'd still be in med school during that time. And besides, who wants to get married at a super young age anyway? Certainly not me. Nah-uh, screw the survey. =)) =))

in between sleep and study

I seriously have a sleeping problem now. For almost four hours, all I have been doing is sleeping or dozing off every 30 minutes of "studying" that I end up forgetting what I have read for chem lab exam tomorrow. And it's starting to get scary since now, I feel so unprepared for the exam tomorrow. :(( :(( :(( Why am I sleeping? Why can't I stay awake and clamor for more chem time? I know I should sleep and try to wake up earlier tomorrow to finish studying, but I fear that waking up early might not be as effective as it were during high school.

So I say slap slap slap myself to keep me awake until i don't know, 3am? and then sleep till I get bored of it. :-< I'm screwed that way, I know.

when fools rush in

Erik Erikson states that adolescents ages 16-21 are in the conflict of identity versus role confusion. It’s during this period that we are on the search of our own identity, supposedly not influenced by friends or other people around us. Failing to realize who we are, what we’re good at, what our passion is or on what part of society we belong delays the period of adolescence. And worse, delay leads to role confusion. In simple words, role confusion is not being able to identify ourselves among others that we are likely to copy or imitate instead of creating our own unique persona. Other than role confusion, Erikson states that we can’t really advance into the next stage, young adulthood, if we fail adolescence. In young adulthood, it’s an argument between intimacy and isolation. And this is where we begin to think. How many friends do I know have had relationships during the adolescence period? A LOT. And how many of these relationships last? Only 5 or 7% did.

Relationships during adolescence barely last primarily because it’s just not time for those things. Adolescence focuses on gaining our identity, and by identity it doesn’t mean knowing us as the girlfriends or boyfriends of [insert partner’s name here]. I don’t think anyone wants to be known that way, right right? But why then do we continue to want a relationship? Why do we keep on hoping and waiting someone would approach us and tell us he or she likes us? Why do we even entertain this kind of thoughts despite knowing that now isn’t the right time to think about intimacy? The theories are there, laid out flat for us, to grab and to hold, but we refuse to follow them or worse ignore them, because we'd rather let our own selves take their own course in dealing with such things. And by not minding the theories, we end up defeated still. The facts win, our own foolish selves lose.

If everything is supported by a theory, that would mean everything is provided with a reason right? But then why when we are asked to provide a meaning for something, we can't readily give reasons for things? We end up dumbfounded, unintelligent and naive of why things are.

11:11 PM

August really isn't the best month. The only things keeping me alive now are breakfast food for dinner, received messages from random people and plastic covered text books and pocket books. And what about the things that are killing me? :-<

***

I want my own tarot deck. I want answers to my questions. NOW.

***

08.08.08 this Friday. It's supposed to be a lucky day, so let's keep our fingers crossed. YAY.



All that I have is all that I forgot to say, all that made you run away.

by-line's are never overrated

When was the last time I wrote something – something worth reading, insightful, substantial? It’s been more than six months since I was last given a minute assignment for KATIPUNAN. The last article I wrote was a news feature on the newly elected Sanggunian officers. I worked hard on that article, knowing that it would be my first full page article to be published. After waiting for more than six months, no news was given about the publication. I never told anyone how hard it was for me to accept that even once, I was not granted the chance to see my by-line in sections of the magazine other than the minutes pages. But still, I continued to hang on to KATIPUNAN hoping that I would get my big break soon.

Nonetheless, let me indulge myself with the freedom to publish my article. Just so that I'd be able to say that it was indeed "published".

On Relevance of Student Governance

By Almira V. Uy

The Sanggunian ng mga Mag-aaral recently surprised everyone, including its own officers, with the resignation of its current president Karl Satinitigan. Apart from his resignation, other top Sanggu officers also resigned from their posts late last year explaining that they have chosen to prioritize their studies above anything else. Meanwhile, Satinitigan’s signing off from his post was only revealed to public after Cabrei Cabreira, appointed Sanggu president, announced on February 7 her taking-over. The issues surrounding the Sanggunian now triggered the student body to question the relevance and visibility of the Student Council to the Ateneo community.

Reasons behind its fallback

Satinitigan’s resignation is not considered as the sole reason for the Sanggu’s current rocky situation. But losing Satinitigan is compared as to being “beheaded” as Pepi Sison (BS HSc ’10), SY 2008-2009 Secretary General states. She tells how the Student Council has become a handicapped system after Satinitigan left. The remaining officers are obliged to take up more workload in replacement of those who have left the Council. Aside from Cabrera replacing Satinitigan, other representatives take up the positions of the officers who resigned along with the obligations they hold. However, Satinitigan’s resignation is only part of the problems that Sanggu continues to experience. Newly elected Sanggunian president Omi Castañar (AB DevS ’09) tells that Satinitigan’s resignation must “not be an excuse” for the rest of the Sanggunian to not fulfill their responsibilities for the student body. There are 43 other officers who can work together and accomplish the tasks left behind.

“One of the main problems about the Sanggu was how the Council does not assert its roles as a representation of the community,” Castañar relates. The Sanggunian has failed to communicate between and among the students. Lack of interaction with the community has led to doubts on Sanggu’s visibility to the students. This leads to the issue of the alarming number of abstainees from the past and current elections. Candidates running for different positions have lost to abstain, mainly because, as the student voters defend, they [voters] were not familiar to the candidates of both parties. They believe that choosing to abstain is more efficient than voting for candidates they do not know. Nonetheless, Sison defends that voters who abstain mainly chose to do so, not because of apathy, but simply due to unfamiliarity or unawareness of the candidates.

In addition to lack of representation to the community, Sanggu, as Castañar states, has failed to support its roles to other organizations, including sectors and units. Primarily, the Sanggunian is elected by the students in order for the Council to extend its hands to other organizations within the community and to organize events for the sectors and units. The Sanggunian originally possessed the mandate to handle everything; however, privatization problems have occurred and have led Sanggu to leave all the projects to the decision of the different orgs. This situation has revealed Sanggu’s lack of coordination with regards to organizing events and managing the organizations. “Sanggu has shown itself as an inefficient body filled with problems,” says Castañar.

Apart from issues on representation, Sison adds that “lack of permanency” has become a problem for the Sanggunian. She considers that a year is not enough for their projects to be fully accomplished. The secretary-general says that there is no continuity of work and goals; the inability of completing all the designed projects for one year signify not appreciating or understanding what a certain project would give to the student body. Moreover, the differences in the goals or platforms of each batch of officers contribute to the partial completion of the previous projects.

Party Politics?

Besides the external issues experienced by Sanggu, internal party politics has been rumored to have affected the working force of Sanggu. Party politics covers the issue on certain political parties working together under one student council. Representatives from Ibig Agila, Partido Ignacio or independent partisans are expected by the voters to disregard the parties they’re coming from and work together as a single group. In line with this, Sison, who have worked with Sanggu for more than two years, firmly believes that there is no party politics going on inside the Sanggunian. “Those are just rumors,” Sison said. Furthermore, she adds that party politics may have occurred only during campaign periods, but other than that, the officers work well with each other. Also, Sison says that they [officers] do not choose the people they work with, but leave it to the student body’s decision. In line with Sison’s statements, Jojo Dumrique (AB MEco ’11), SOSS Executive Officer, states that having political parties enable the representatives to have their personal principles agree with their respective parties. Belonging to a party means having people back you up and support your beliefs when it comes to serving the student body.

Meanwhile, issues on independent partisans are considered another story. Castañar who ran independently during the most recent elections, admits that the most common problem of autonomous candidates like him is finding resources. Campaign materials, number of supporters and the campaign itself are the main problems an independent candidate like Castañar had to put up with. He also says that two weeks is not enough for the candidates to introduce themselves to the voters and for the partisans to explain their platforms. Moreover, being independent, Castañar fears that students would vote for him, only because he was different from the rest of the candidates. He wanted the students to vote for him because they share a common belief through his platforms. Nonetheless, Castañar remains thankful for having won the 2008-2009 Sanggu elections.

Two-way Blame

However, for an effective Student Council to be fully appreciated, it must be a two-way process. Aside from the Sanggunian working for the student body, the students are entitled to help Sanggu as well. And as the issue on relevance has been opened, students are expected to react and to voice out whatever they have to say about Sanggu. The Gadfly Society, which published its comments on the net regarding Satinitigan’s non-enrollment, opened ways, in Castañar’s opinion, for students to realize what has been happening to the Student Council. The group’s statement triggers questions on the part of the readers and to those who are concerned about the issue. Moreover, Dumrique indicates that Gadfly Society gave off a sign that Sanggu must start giving the students what they need and what they want. Otherwise students, other than Gadfly Society, would continue to awaken and to help students realize the issues concerning the Sanggunian.

Defining relevance from irrelevance

And as a new year is given to Sanggu, the Council is given the chance to prove its relevance to the whole community. And to be relevant, according to Dumrique, is to be able to show that one fulfills his part and continues to show his purpose. Meanwhile, Sison relates that being irrelevant is not answering the students’ needs. Along with this, she indicates that a reason why students think that Sanggu has become irrelevant to them is because there is no leveling of expectations. “Hindi nagtutugma. [they both do not coincide.]” And in order for both sides to appreciate each other, there must be a leveling of expectations. Students should be able to know what the Sanggunian can do for them, and what the students expect Sanggu to do for them as well.

On Gaining Back the Trust

In order to bring back the relevance and the original reputation of the Sanggunian, certain steps must be taken by the Council. Castañar shares that the main solution is to gain back the trust of the students and the organizations. This is accomplished by simultaneously working with other groups in order to obtain proper coordination. A lot of projects have been organized in the past years, but little participations have been given to these activities. Castañar believes that if these organizations who come up with projects serving the same purpose can group together to form a bigger project, better feedback can be expected. Aside from that, Dumrique emphasizes on focusing on quality versus quantity. This involves knowing what the basic needs of the students are and concentrating on these essentials. Furthermore, he states that the Sanggunian officers must set an example as student leaders to the rest of the student body. And to be effective student leaders means being able to give service to their constituents and balancing work with their academics.

With these steps, Sanggu may still be capable of changing its reputation and proving its relevance to the Ateneo community. “It will be a year of change,” says Castañar. Although these changes do not refer to radical changes in the constitutions, he affirms that the Sanggunian will continue doing their job and what they are supposed to do. And this involves gaining back the trust and improving Sanggu’s poor performance, as reflected by the students’ opinions. It will be a change of identity, from being irrelevant to a stronger and more transparent Student Council. Sison adds that as it becomes a year of change, the Sanggunian continues to learn from the past and to make up for the mistakes it has committed.

prodigal child i am not

Good morning July 27. Because sleep hasn't come yet, and because I think my mind's too tired to start studying for my general psychology long exam, let me steal some of my time contemplating on how bad of a daughter i was being a few hours ago.

I feel so bad, I want to slap myself for even thinking what I was thinking a few hours ago. It was unacceptable, it was insensitive, and yet it can be comparable to me. :-< So okay, it started with a phone call telling me they'd be coming here in qc tomorrow afternoon. Trying to calm myself even if deep down I wanted to shout, I replied on the phone, 'Okay, kayo bahala.' and in a very cold manner for that matter. You see, my schedule's like this right now: Weekdays are for weekday events including school and after school activities; Saturdays are spent pleasing God by NSTP and Kythe, which are both by the way not thought of as hassle to my schedule; and Sundays are spent studying and taking one-hour breaks going to mass (yay, 3 Sundays straight already). But after that call, my schedule has been screwed. Okay, so I finished postlab report earlier than expected, but still the schedule must be followed. How am I suppose to study for psych now that probably 5 or 6 hours of study time would possibly be spent touring them around somewehere? I want to study. I want to ace that long exam on Monday.

See see, I'm such an ungrateful child right? My parents are going out of their way just to drive to qc to visit me and here I am, complaining that they're coming. Gaaah, so out with the negative and in with the positive. Isipin na lang, it will be 5 or 6 hours wasted on shopping and spending quality time with them. Great. :)

***

Random: I'm hoping the book sale in de la costa's still there till next week, 'cause I'm planning to reward myself with a new book if I get a high grade in one of my exams. Probably a Murakami or a Nick Hornby book, isa lang okay.

defective hippocampus

I just realized that I left my PE bag along with my slippers and vanity kit inside my locker. How can I possibly forget? Hmm, lemme see.

***

I woke up today before 6AM, that’s 3 and a half hours of sleep to you. I actually can’t remember if I fell asleep at 11PM or 1AM, all I know is there’s a number “one” in my digital clock when I took a last look of the time before lying down on my bed. For the past weeks, I haven’t been very good with managing my time that I end up sleeping really really late then waking up 3 or 4 hours later, primarily because of crammed lab reports, readings, notes and other non-academic activities. I miss my 8 hours of sleep. :-<

The weather’s like chemistry lab, it’s just two units, but then this petty two-unit subject ends up frustrating you and subconsciously forces you to focus on it instead of the more important subjects. I mean, the weather’s there. You actually can’t do anything about it, but still you try not minding until you end up getting angry ‘cause it’s just too hot and irritating not to think about the sticky feeling you get from the weather.

Pain is important, so says my physiology professor who by the way is a professor and at the same an anesthesiologist. Have I mentioned this before already? I just find it very philosophical, to think it’s coming from a class which enjoys talking about the names of cranial nerves and the muscles in the hand. My prof said, pain must be present because if not, we would not know which are the parts that need to be fixed, or to be healed for that matter.

something for me

It's nice to know that you're being constantly reminded of the things you have to be thankful for. You realize there's no reason to be sad after all, no reason to turn your back on Him. 'Cause even if you're not destined to have everything, it's relieving to understand that there are things you deserve to have or meant to achieve. I mean, God's not that evil to give you nothing and everything at the same time right?

i can't even come up with a reason to explain

It’s that time of the year when almost everyone feels sad, defeated, lost, melancholic, nervous, and generally jaded. It seems like we’ve run out of our happiness pill supply, almost all at the same time. Why so? Because I’ve been reading a handful of blog entries expressing this common feeling that I, too, am experiencing. But then again, maybe this is just a season, just a phase, just a moment. What if it’s not? What if it continues to be a lingering memory, permanently empowering all of us?

life of post-it's and arranged marriages

Let me tell you something about love – love for the other, and love for the rest. Throughout the years of this pursuit to figure out what’s out there for me and to wait if there is something or someone out there for me, there are those periods when you just want to give up on it, when you just want to not think about it, and when you regret ever realizing that someday you have to end up with someone, thus unconsciously forcing yourself to begin the pursuit of finding this someone. But disregarding those times of no longer wanting to be loved by the other, there are more hours and days that you wished and prayed really hard that today is the day you’d meet that person. You dress up everyday, try to look your best in the hope that someone will take a double look at you and then you silently whisper in your mind “Ha! This is finally the day.” But the thing is, how many days have you experienced that moment? How many times have you told yourself that this is the day you are bound to meet the other? How can you actually tell that this person passing by and looking at you would be the person you are bound to end up with in the end? How can you measure the probability that things will work out, that things would never end?

If everyone’s bound to love someone and be loved in return, why does God prefer to make things complicated for us? I often wish that arranged marriages was a rule written in stone, so that each one of us is sure to have someone beside us, to eat with us, to raise a family with us, and eventually join us in forever-dom. If all of us were arranged by our ancestors to marry someone, we wouldn’t have to go through all the fuss of searching for other people since the other is there already, sure and steady. And according to my psychology professor, arranged marriages are more effective than those “true love” ones. Couples who are arranged have a greater chance of surviving the marriage compared to those couples who thought they were in love with each other. Now wouldn’t be happier and a whole lot easier for everyone? Nobody’s going to end up alone and miserable. That, for me, should be the main goal of life. To live a life without misery. Why live if you are bound to end up miserable anyway? This may sound vague now, but I know as soon as I start reaching my 20’s and later on (hopefully not) experience a quarter-life crisis, I should remember that I said this, that I promised myself I would be a happier person as soon as that time comes. But for now, let me suck all the misery life has to give. This is, of course, exaggerated.

And if arranged marriage doesn’t work or isn’t clear enough, why can’t life include post-it’s or labels to remind you if it’s good meat or bad meat. This is too absurd I know, but if you think about it, you’d realize how efficient it would be if people had post-it’s invisibly wrapped around them and are visible only to those who are looking at them. Like if you’re in the library, you go sit in the middle of the study area and look around for people of your opposite or same sex and “see” their labels. One says “bad meat” or “good for 3 months only” or “don’t even think about it” or “he/she will just break your heart”, now wouldn’t that be easier? And then there’d be this golden post-it that reads “the other”. Surely, this wouldn’t be an easy task to accomplish, as you’ve seen in the film Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. But what makes labels easier is not making you risk a big chunk of yourself on something you’re unsure of. The other is there, a moving target you are supposed to search for, or may also be the other way around. But the more important point is, there is a target, there is a the other. And if God’s so good, He wouldn’t make us wait so long to discover the other.

Okay, time to work.

am i living it right?

I want to talk about my dreams. I want to talk about my sentiments over stoichiometry and incompetent chemistry professors. I want to talk about my problems on school, love, decisions and goals. But I can’t.

it's all your fault

Ever had that feeling where in something you tried so hard to forget suddenly surprises you and catches you off guard? And because of that you find yourself dumbfounded with nothing but a groan for a reply. You curse yourself for letting all those shit come back to life after you've put so much effort avoiding them and disappearing from them. And yet in the end, they find their way back to you easily.

Oh boy. *huge sigh*

This is just to remind me that I remembered something I wasn't supposed to. Good job me.

packets of sunshine

Happiness comes in pairs... and in the color red. :)) :)) sabaw post. things/events/people that recently made my life easier and lighter. thank youuuu. >:D<

...it's like the whole world stops to listen.

Dong Le

Remember when people usually say ‘opposites attract’? And how much chick flicks or other romantic movies or novels usually tell us how a jock can fall for a nerd, more so a loser? And in turn, we are thought to believe that our own fantasies will soon come true? That someday, someone who we thought least to be the person we’d end up with proposes to us on bended knees, and asking us to be theirs? Ah, the common daydream for everyone di ba? Well, we (that includes me) have been living a lie. Opposites do not attract. Cool people and losers do not mix well. People of the same kind stick together, forever. And that fantastic dream we all wish about romantic happy ending? My general psychology professor revealed this eye-opener to us on one hot day in June, while we were all just too full of an unbearable session in Statistics. All that and more.

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Psychology, in my opinion, has this tendency of breaking people’s beliefs and values in a way that it doesn’t actually mean doing so. Maybe the whole ruining our desires thought may be a very biased opinion. It’s probably more of a realization rather than that of a mess-up. It reveals to you things that you never thought cannot be explained or experienced by other people. Also, psychology shows you the truths about things you first were true, but in fact weren’t. And to be honest, it makes life a lot more complicated than you think it is. Nonetheless, the subject makes me love my course even more. Imagine me having the power to preach about things normal people aren’t aware of, and I can see how their (my sisters) eyes widen when they realize that they too have been living a lie. Power, yes, and control.

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Chinois (in French) or simply Chinese is another great subject. I love it. I regret that I usually sleep or space out during my Mandarin tutorials 10 years ago and having to repeat everything now. I should know how to speak in Mandarin, but no, I acted like an indifferent girl who doesn’t want to learn anything other than English or Filipino back then. But now, wow! I seriously look forward to every Mandarin session in that cramped up room where you can almost catch your professor’s saliva whenever she pronounces the syllable ‘chr’. But other than that, I love it. I want to master this language and test myself by going to Binondo and talking to those Chinese folks. And if I find myself lucky, I can probably find a Mandarin-fluent boyfriend who can tutor me for free. Hahaha. Kidding kidding. Tong pe tong? (Do you understand?) I don’t think I got the spelling right though. And now I begin to envy those Chinese kids who don’t have any problems speaking Mandarin or Fookien or Cantonese. I mean, I don’t think they had to go through this whole fuss of knowing what tone to use or what spelling to write, right? Unlike me who has been desperately trying to roll my tongue to say the words right. I want to learn, and I shall learn. Wait for my future posts in which I’ll be speaking nosebleed Mandarin. HAHAHA.

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Last insight before I go home (because apparently, it’s been almost two weeks that I do not have internet K). Is it me or is the weather has been totally screwed up? So morning I wake up and it’s hot already even with the aircon running. Come afternoon, around 4PM, and suddenly it starts to rain real hard. And the weird thing is that it seems like there’s an exact hour when the rain pours. 4 in the afternoon. And then it usually lasts for about an hour. It’s been like that for three days straight, and I have no idea why the weather’s like that. They said Quezon City’s the only one experiencing that kind of weather. Thank God Metro Manila isn’t. People living there would all have gotten sick by now if it were like that. Too much heat in the Metro.

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I’m not sure if it’s obvious, but I can tell it is. My writing sort of changed in this post. Too many phrases. Too many dependent clauses. Too many repeated and unrecognized words. My style changes, but not for long. I don’t really like it this way. I need to get back to that old self.

first day of school

My friend was telling me last night how she got tired of updating her blog and literally letting it die in one corner without being noticed or checked out. And somehow, I felt the same thing. To be honest, the only reason why I’m writing a post now is just to keep the archives section updated. But other than that, I find no other reason to think and to write something. Also, I saw a blog with a recent post on writer’s block. So I thought, probably I’m not the only one losing my excitement for writing. Maybe, there are other bloggers around there feeling too lazy to bother signing in to their separate blogs and coming up with something to say. Blah. Do you even get what I’m saying? Two posts in a row that I’ve been writing sabaw posts, and and that’s not good. :| Oh well, I’ll be waiting for something good to come up. HAHAHA.

Well actually something exciting did happen – OrSem 2008 baby! And I was part of the logistics committee. Yay! More kwento soon. Not really in the mood to tell my amazing stories. :))

[i was too excited, i forgot to write a title]

And so this to mark the 18^th year of my existence and the first day of adulthood and logically, the end of my adolescence. So what happens exactly at the strike of midnight? Err, nothing. I mean you’d be too groggy to even realize that June 2 ended already and it’s hello June 3! But what the heck, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.

A very good friend asked me hours ago if I was excited, and I immediately answered that I wasn’t. However a few days back, my mom asked the same question, but I gave a different answer. I told my mom I was super excited about my coming birthday and about the things I’ve been planning for that day. But tonight felt different. Maybe it’s because as the faithful day draws nearer, the more anxious the person might feel? Well, that’s what has been happening in my case. Anxiety over the things to do on my supposedly special day or people who will or will not remember my birthday or feeling the zest that it is in fact my birthday. I’m honestly scared that I may not be as happy as I expected myself to be. I mean I want to be happy, I want to jump and feel the tingling feeling that I am officially legal. But what if I am not? If I wouldn’t be happy, how would I feel then?

Nonetheless, screw my feelings and my anxiety. Birthdays are supposed to be fun no matter how old the celebrant is. As long as I’m not celebrating it alone or with people I never wished to be with today, I’m good. I’ll survive this day. And with that, happy birthday once more.