Maybe I'm the beard.

I want to change, get rid of a few bad habits to make room for nicer ones. But I just can't seem to get myself up and start moving away from these stupid, depressing, and not to mention, self-destructing habits that I have since I have no idea when. Gaaah, I need a life :|

Journal Entry #13

As I close this summer semester with a good meal at Earle's in Ortigas (yes, I also go to the office once in a while), followed by a despedida party for a friend entering the seminary, and supposedly by drowning in good music while drinking... non-alcohol drinks *winks*, I realize it wasn't such a bad summer after all. During the start of the summer, I wished hard that this summer be one of the most memorable ones considering it will be my last summer as a college student. As soon as the second semester of last school year ended, I made a list in my mind of the things I want to for this summer. And judging from what I remember from that list, I don't think I achieved anything. Oh well, that's sad. But I think I did achieve things or do things I never imagined myself doing. Mmm let's see. So... awesome things I did this summer:

1. Worked for MEGA

2. Commuted to Manila area alone

3. Volunteered for OrSem

4. Tried to exercise

5. Had a lot of me time

I know they don't seem much, but for me, they really do. I guess, this summer's not really about how many beaches I've been to (but I do hope I can write something on this soon before summer ends) or about how much money I've earned from internship. To me, this summer was the time I focused on myself, on my needs, my strengths and weaknesses. This was the summer that I realized, got confused, and perhaps-rerealized what I want to do with my life. The re-realization is still an ongoing project, but that's okay! At least now, after my foundations have been shaken for a while, I'm trying my best to come out as a stronger person with a more determined goal for the future.

I can't say it has been the perfect summer of my college life, maybe last summer was better. Hahaha. But whatever, as Artie from Glee said, dreams aren't supposed to be easy. And perhaps, having the perfect summer is not very easy as making a list of things I want to do.

Journal Entry #12

Summer sem's is about to end, and so is my internship. After writing my integration paper for practicum class, I realized a few things about this summer, my last summer class as a college student.

1. You can never be too sure.

This summer has been very stressful and emotional for me. For one, I didn't get the position I was aiming for in my organization. Losing is clearly not my thing, and so is not getting what I want. I've been so used to getting the things I wanted, that not getting them felt so horrible. I guess, this is where I say that The Secret clearly doesn't seem to work all the time. Before, I thought, wishing and praying so hard for something I want will be enough to secure me that spot or that thing. Sometimes, we're not just meant to get the things we want, because perhaps, or as I would like myself to believe now, there are better things that we are meant to have.

This was also the summer that i had my first shot at the NMAT. I was telling my little sister it was like the most important long exam I will ever take in my college career, and yet, I barely passed. For three years, I've worked so hard trying to keep my grades up and in this one shot to maintain those high grades, I let myself down. You've read my previous posts regarding this, and writing about it again just pulls me down.

Because of these things, I realize that I can never live a life that's so sure, that's so planned out. I've been living the comfortable life of knowing what I want to do today and in my future, and this summer shook me really hard and slapped me in the face with the unpredictability of life. I may be confused now, but I think this is a good thing. Going out of my comfort zone is perhaps one of the best things I can give myself right now.

2.

... I can't think of a number two. :( I guess, that's the most important thing I learned this summer, that life really is unpredictable, spontaneous, surprising, astonishing even. And my internship for BluPrint actually made me realize that even more. You can never have a typical day because you can never predict what will happen to you today, especially when you're working for their company. It was an experience I will always remember, but not necessarily go back to. Haha.

Journal Entry #11

It’s been more than a week since my last journal entry. Work-wise, nothing interesting has been happening lately. I’m still “working” on my assignment on the Old Manila movie houses. No progress on that one. However, on things unrelated to work, it’s been quite crazy. Well for one, elections just happened yesterday. And if I’m not mistaken, the results are out. Not very happy or thrilled about the country’s next set of leaders. Actually, I don’t like them at all. Hahaha. Elections aside, school is slowly becoming very stressful. Requirements have been coming in like crazy. In less than two weeks, the summer sem is over. YAY for that one. But what I’m more excited about it is the after-summer classes plan. I’ve made so many plans and committed to so many people that I’m now scared how I’ll ask permission to go to all these gimmicks. Pray I be allowed and that all the summer sem requirements end soon. I have to work hard for that QPI!

Journal Entry #10

Remind me again why I'm taking Biochem this summer. :| I hate this prions report; I've been sitting in front of my desk for 12 hours now, and I still have nothing to write. Long weekends tend to make you lazier than a normal weekend would. Hate hate hate myself right now, and the long weekend of course. Haha.

Journal Entry #9

Surrounding yourself with people whom you find most dear to you is the best feeling in the world. I guess I gauge the goodness or badness of a day on how much time I’ve spent moping alone in my room, thinking of what could happen in my future, or talking endlessly and about random things with my friends. it’s been a great 4 days, and I’m hoping it still gets better as I’ll be going back home tomorrow morning to greet my momma a happy birthday.

It’s raining outside, and I feel lazy to go home actually. There’s just something about the rain that makes everyone lazy and slow. I’m not saying I don’t want to go home; I do! I miss home-cooked meals and the feeling of not worrying about biochem reports or internship assignments. I like that feeling a lot. But then again, going home would also mean I’ll have to miss Iron Man 2 premiere (here’s to hoping my siblings are game to watch it tomorrow night or on Saturday), Log Core meeting, and Selecta eat-all-you-can ice cream buffet. These things all seem exciting, but I’ll have to give them to give way to filial piety as someone would label it. However, as I commute home tomorrow at 7AM, I’m bringing with me the task to look for pictures of old Manila movie houses and of prion proteins. If there’s anyone out there who actually reads this blog and knows of someone who can give pictures of the said items, please please tell me as soon as possible. This type of work, having to spend hours digging through the internet to look for pictures is the worst part of the job. I don’t like it all.

On another note, I was researching a while ago for easy English subjects that I can take to fulfill the required number of units for law school. Yes, I’m now considering to go to law school. Thank you mother and father, I am now confused. Haha.

Seriously, the future now scares me more than ever.

Journal Entry #8

I don’t want to jinx anything, but this week seems far better than the past two weeks. For starters, I received my biochemistry long exam results, and well, I did better than expected. Thank God for that; I really prayed for that exam and even stressed out that I don’t want to receive low scores on my future exams. So thank you Lord. Also yesterday, we had our third practicum class for the summer semester. PC and I were so excited to share what we have been doing for the past week for our internship (see previous post) that we even brought our “souvenirs” for everyone to see. What I like most about practicum class is hearing the stories of my blockmates and how their work week went. Some were just the same, some were pretty awesome that I wished I had their job. Also, I think practicum class is one of the most interesting group discussions I’ve experienced. The 1 ½ hours allotted per session doesn’t seem enough to cover all the stories we have to tell, but I’m thankful we have something like this to somehow process what we have been doing with our lives.

Today also went well. I had my share of KFC Chicken Alfredo as my comfort food. That’s pretty much the highlight of this day actually, and probably the fact that I’ll have the chance to go for a run in about 15 minutes after I finish this journal entry. I’ve been pretty lazy and busy to get up and get fit, mainly due to the emotional stress I’ve been experiencing and studying for my exams.

I’m wishing tomorrow and the rest of the days get better, because I can really use a good day. I think we’re going to Ortigas this Thursday or Friday to actually work in the office, so YAY for real work.

Journal Entry #7

So fine, I've been missing my (almost) daily journal entries. I've been so lazy this week that I didn't feel like posting anything or going anywhere; I just want to stay in my room and sleep for long long hours. And because I've been doing so many things for school this week. Hoorah!

Our supervisor/editorial assistant Ina finally contacted us last Wednesday to inform us of an event the next day(!) that we can cover for Bluprint and Lifestyle Asia. According to the email we're supposed to cover two events, something in SMX Convention Center and Manila F.A.M.E. International at World Trade Center. I had no idea what those events are, but figured they were most likely related to our line of work. The plan was I'll take the Biochem quiz and then leave after. BUUUUT, my good professor did not allow me to leave class; worse, we never had the quiz. Hay nako lang talaga. I was forced to leave Katipunan an hour later than planned forcing me to miss the SMX event.

After two LRT/MRT rides and a cab, I reached MOA after almost two hours of commuting. Lesson learned: avoid MRT Cubao station as much as possible and don't go down at Ayala station. Hayayay the stress of commuting. So after a late lunch, we took a cab to World Trade.

WOW. The whole setting inside World Trade was nothing like I've seen before. Different stalls lined with different kinds of furniture and homeware. For almost 3 hours, we were walking and distributing copies of the publisher's magazines to the stalls. Trying to convince the owners to agree on us taking a picture of the magazine dispayed on one of their furniture was one of the hardest things to do. They looked at us like we were kids sent by some mogul whose business was to copy other people's designs. Thank God we were with a known lifestyle writer who practically knew all the exhibitors.

Aside from handing out magazines, we were also tasked to interview some of the exhibitors and come up with an article describing some of the companies. I realize these companies or designers are all exporters, catering to people from Europe, North America, and Asia. We saw Caucasians and Asians walking with strollers on one hand as they go from stall to stall, probably making a purchase. And from the looks of it, these buyers are not just common-man buyers; these are bigtime buyers who would actually spend money just to go the Philippines and buy a tea set or a coffee table or a tassel for their homes. O_O Crazy, this event was for the rich, and I was lucky enough to at least have the chance to see the designs before they were posted in the companies' websites.

Here I realize how big the world really is, that it doesn't just revolve in my own little world or in the world of the people I know. There are so many people out there, richer than anyone else I know probably, who can spend on the littlest things for reasons I don't know. But aside from that, I realized how creative Filipinos are. We have to be really proud of this exporting business that many Filipinos are engaging in because for me, it's one of the best ways that a Filipino can show the world what he's got.

Journal Entry #6

So it's been a week, and we haven't heard from anyone in MEGA or BluPrint. I hope they still remember their dear interns. :)) But aside from fear of not completing my minimum hours, I'm quite glad that work is not giving me any stress since school and personal have given more than enough stress that I can actually handle.

***

For the past three days, the day I feared the most (not really) arrived --- the day I realized I'm not going to be a doctor. All my life, I have studied so hard believing that a good doctor has to have excellent grades. The moment I entered school, I knew I wanted to be a doctor. For almost 20 years, I never doubted myself and never imagined myself to be anyone or anything other than a doctor. But why does this day have to arrive? Why do I have to cry every night for the past three days thinking my future would not include me being called "doc" or wearing a white coat? I'm starting to feel that maybe, I do not have the right skills or the knowledge to last for six or so years studying and becoming a doctor. And what's even disheartening for me right now is not knowing where I will go from here? What will be my future? Who will I be in the future?

I really really hope this streak of misfortunes ends soon. I think two strikes in less than 4 months are enough to make me cry like a whimp.

Journal Entry #5

The first week of classes seemed dull. I haven't very productive in both my acads and org work and ojt work. Biochem's a bitch, just as the weather continues to kill anyone who stays under the sun for more than 30 minutes. I have some unfinished work for Kythe and for OrSem. And work is, well, still on hold. I was talking to a friend of mine who accepted the SPARK Program/Internship of J&J, and I feel really really bad for not accepting that internship. I mean, P600/day?! Crazy! As much as love working for a publishing company, maybe earning that much can win me over. Oh well, just as my mom said, maybe I was not meant to have that job anyway.

I feel dizzy, too much wine from tonight.

Journal Entry #4

I hate those days when you're so unproductive, and whenever you try to do something worthwhile, you end screwing yourself over. Hay. I want to do something and to keep myself busy while work is still unavailable. What to do what to do.

Journal Entry #3

I want to ride my bike to school today. :(

Journal Entry #2

The past two days have been very tiring. I go to school early in order to settle things for my org; running around school submitting forms and having them signed, then back to another office again. This made me realize how hard it is to have to go through to so many people to reserve for a single room. And at the same time, I realize, how power and connections can go a really long way for things like this one. While the rest of us org officers and members go through the painstaking process of going through many procedures, there are some special people who can simply make a phone call to get things done. Oh well, nothing we can do about it :))

Aside from org duties, I've been focusing on losing weight this summer. I've been jogging for the past three days, and although my legs feel sore, it actually feels good to sweat off all those calories. I just hope I can actually make this one a habit more than just a fad.

Btw, work hasn't called us back yet. The last email I received is a week-old. I really wish Ina can call/email us soon; I'm excited for the shoots!

Journal Entry #1

Today was the first day of summer classes, actually it’s our last first day of summer classes. Somehow, I like the feeling of remembering that each day would be our last as college seniors, and at the same time, I feel scared that we’re getting closer and closer to the end (well I don’t consider med school as college). So how did I spend my first day? On my way to school today, the trike I was riding was caught by the MMDA; apparently for violating the Tricycle Ban. When did they ever impose a trike ban in Katipunan Avenue where the heat is inescapable except when you’re riding a car or a tricycle? I felt bad for the driver who had to pay the fine which, I think, does not even amount to what he earns on a daily basis. Hayayay. I only had two classes today, biochemistry and practicum class. Biochemistry was a blah. Our professor kept on asking what the difference was between an organic and an inorganic compound, for 40 long minutes. Thank God for practicum class (and I’m not saying this just so I can get a high grade for my journal hihi).

Before the class started, I was expecting it would be just like I/O class. To be honest, I hated that class; I hated how we’d just sit there for the whole three hours looking at the powerpoint presentations and taking down notes about boring stuff. Buti na lang practicum class was so much lighter. The chairs arranged in a circle made me comfortable already. And it feels good that you can just talk to your friends about your experiences, your work, and even your lifetime goals. It’s light, and at the same time, very insightful. We were asked why we want to be doctors, and what Sean was true, I really cannot imagine myself becoming someone else other than a doctor. How shallow it may seem, but wearing a white coat or being called “doc” means a lot to me. And perhaps it’s true, we all do want to help people, in one way or another. And I want to help by going somewhere really far from the city, to places where the only doctors are quack doctors or their own mothers or fathers. I want to be that person people can trust their lives or their family’s lives as well.

Receive a blue rose -> check! HAHA

What a pain.

I try to pretend I don't care. But please, can't you take the hint of me not talking?

I pray for understanding. And love. Yes, perhaps more love.

Today I experienced my first real job interview, and when I say real, I meant an interview with a big-time company, and not just a cute little org or project interview for school. I now believe how a little experience of this and that can go a long way. Hihi. And to be honest, everything still feels unreal until now. I can't believe I am actually hired and that I have 60 or so surveys sitting on top of my clothes hamper waiting to be encoded in SPSS. After almost four hours of waiting and talking to my editor, I am employed (well for at least a month or so) and with a "homework" due by Wednesday. How am I supposed to fit that into my already cramped weekend schedule? :( If only I didn't have two Org Chem long exams next week plus a Philo paper to write, I would love to work for long hours on this report. Hay. Here's to surviving this weekend and the weeks after that.

Guess where I'll be working :))

I want to have a day that ends with me saying "I love this day!" Hay, it's been so long since I've had those kind of days.