tag! you're it. part 2

Because PC was so bored, she tagged me. :))

Tagged by PC:
* Each player of this game starts with 6 weird things about his/her self. People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 6 weird things as well as state the rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave a comment that says you are tagged in their comments and tell them to read your blog.

1. i don't like sushi. what's the point of eating raw fish when i can have them cooked? besides, they stink. :))

2. i spent four years of High School PE "playing" the clarinet. Of course my teacher never realized i wasn't getting any better. so 4 years PE = no stupid ball games = 1 hour stroll around the campus twice a week. and now i want to learn how to play the violin and this time, really play it.

3. i hardly finish a mass. :( when we go to church, my family would stay for about 10-15 minutes, then leave for dinner. i know it sucks, breaking the 4th(?) commandment and all, but i've grown used to it.

4. i can't live without my watch. i'd rather have no earrings than no watch. i only remove it when i take a bath or anything related to water. other than that, my watch stays. :))

5. i have this dream to go to Africa and have a medical mission there (if i would become a doctor). Don't you just love that fuzzy feeling you get when you realized you've helped somebody? i want to feel that too.

6. i don't have any talent. i don't sing, i don't dance, i can't do sports. i'm a boring person. hahaha. poor me.

*can i not tag anyone? :))

reckless passion

indifference and shame. shame causes indifference just as indifference causes shame.


i had a shirt that says choose frustration over indifference, and from what i understood from that statement, voicing out one's opinions no matter how stupid or senseless they may be, is better than staying in one corner and not giving a damn about anything. indifference is a choice. one does not take care just because he doesn't,rather because he chooses not to. for whatever reason, i cannot tell. the person that i loved and still love chose to be numb. the years of knowing each other seemed futile because of one stupid mistake, a mistake i choose to believe was indeed only a mistake. if it was shame that hinders this person to bring back whatever we once had, then shame on that person. the mistake was too lousy to be even talked about. but you have become indifferent. things are no longer the same no matter how much we deny them. unfamiliarity and consciousness have conquered. you are no longer the person i once met. but i know and i believe your mistake is not enough to change the whole of you. have you heard our cries? we only wanted for you to take the first step.


***


i have no idea what happened, but seeing you tonight made me realize something was wrong. you don't laugh the same way, you don't talk the same way. but despite the efforts to start a talk, you chose to drop the issue, saying you're ok. but those words were enough to tell that you weren't. once again, indifference. shaking things off does not make things any easier. why do you have to choose to be numb and uncaring? being indifferent only causes you to turn people down who only want to care and to reach out. if it was only shame that prevents you from opening up, then let me just say how pitiful you have become. shame or embarrassment is the wall that can save you for a while but can tear you down soon enough. if only you have been more careful of your actions, then you wouldn't be like this, quiet and all. i have known you long enough to tell if you're bothered by something.


***


but then again, i blame myself. as patricia evangelista said, we are recklessly passionate. i have the heart that cares, but unsuccessfully shows this care. the mistake was not only theirs but mine as well. i could have done something for them to open up. if i weren't too busy waiting for them to make a move, something would've happened by now. maybe i was scared just like them, scared that i would be unnoticed just like them.

5am on a friday morning

it's 5am on a friday morning. instead of extending my sleep for another hour, i had to wake up for my scheduled online enlistment. it felt like i was going to school again. by school, i meant high school when i wake up very early to get myself ready for the day. this time, i had to ready my schedule for the next sem. and it doesn't look good at all. most of my classes start at 7 in the morning, meaning i have to wake up at 5am to get everything done. breakfast, shower and final reviews. and on T-Th scheds, good morning math! i have to face 1 1/2 hours of math followed by zoo and 4-hour zoo lab. it just makes me want to love tuesdays even more. sarcasm here.


at least i got tai chi. sighs.

back to sleep again.

anxiety and pressure

the days have started to grow shorter and the nights longer. i woke up feeling cold; it was raining on an october morning. and i only thought of one thing, christmas is coming.


but it's not christmas that's on my mind right now. days from now i'd be receiving my grades for the first semester. i promised myself i wouldn't let the results affect me. i have to grow up. i'm in college, i'm not supposed to be grade conscious anymore. i should not cry over flunking marks anymore. but it never wears off. it only worsens. for days i have been preoccupied by what i would get on my subjects. i've already done a tentative qpi. i choose not to tell it here, but believe me, it's very far from a DL qpi. i try to shake off my senses the whole Dean's List dream, but i just couldn't. i still want to be on that special list. i want to see my name or my ID number printed on that piece of paper along with the many others. it's the only way i can prove i am worthy enough to be here and that i am capable of staying in this school. it may not sound healthy that i sound very competitive, but it's inevitable.


i grew up pressuring myself to do better, to give my full effort on whatever it is i do. i thought i could somehow lessen this unhealthy perspective when i entered college, but i figured i could never escape it. i am forever stuck to being conscious of my grades. college only stressed how much i have pressured myself because of my grades.


days from now, i will receive my qpi for the first sem. i cannot conclude with a optimistic thought saying i can always do better next sem because i would only fool myself.


i have no other choice but to accept the results and seriously do better.

you need not speak

i had the day all to myself. after a week of waking up at 6am and going home at 6pm, i finally had a rest. waking up at 9am and making my own breakfast. these were the days i wished for for this sem break, to have at most two or three days and stay at home and do nothing but bore myself. it may seem very possible, but not if it's in my case. i grew up having the responsibility to wake up early and prepare myself for the day ahead. i have to "work". by work, i meant sit at the cashier's table and give change, count the bills and sign the deliveries. all these with only the consent that i can buy whatever i want when we go shopping. there were no pay days or bonuses given. it was a family business that i may or may not inherit years after college.

the intro sounded sarcastic, as if it was leading to the opposite of how i expected the day, well not exactly. i did had my rest day and i did bore myself. i did things my brother, who also shares the same job as mine, would envy me for. endless download of songs, unstoppable chatting and internet gaming. the day was going so well, i went to the mall to have my passport picture taken but ended up staying there for hours feeding myself with sights of things i want to buy, but couldn't since i didn't know it was sale. i downloaded the songs i wanted with nobody annoying me to have their turn on the pc. all these were enough to make me happy, to fulfill my sembreak wishes and for some superficial reason, to brighten the rest of the week.

here goes the climax. you were too good of a *toot* that you ruined the day entirely. you were so selfish. you always were. you care not of the people around, but only of yourself. you don't give a damn of how hurt i am, because that's the way you are. ignorant and selfish. i hate to say these words for you were one of the few people i loved, notwithstanding your shortcomings. but on days like this, when i was having a great day and then you come crushing people, i can't help but blame you for everything. for everything i have and for everything i don't have. my words have always seemed empty to you. you think of me as a confused child, unconscious of what she says. you do not take notice of what i say, mainly because i am me.

i can no longer wish for you to change. it never happened and i know it never will. all i long for was for you to listen and understand to what i have to say. just listen. how hard can that possibly be?

oops

last night i posted something about my little insanity. i was full of emotions last night, but empty of dulce; nonetheless i updated. i was rereading this last night's post but figured how wrong the words were, how fallacious the sentences were and more importantly, how wrong the post was. i choose not to discuss once again that topic, but name the title, force of habit (?). i know the title sounds vague and people might think, what the hell was so wrong about the topic. don't ask. all i'm saying is how i proved one definite characteristic i have. whenever i am too happy or too sad or doubtful of something, i turn to this blog as my outlet. ditch the grammar or the people reading it. i just want to shout out whatever it is i was feeling. after posting, i soon realize how silly my opinions were and decide the post. this is the second time i did it on blog, a lot of times on my personal notebooks. i can't help but laugh at how horrible my words were and how they don't make any sense. well, i'm not saying that this new post is a better one than last night, it's only a make up for last night's. i am not entirely sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing that i use this blog for this weird purpose. err, might be a good thing since isn't that why blogs were created in the first place? to serve as an outlet? can also be bad considering i write before i think rahter than think before i write. good thing there's always the delete key to save me.


***


i finally had my final grade for botany lab. i got a B+ mehn. it may sound good enough but if you were in my shoes who expected to have an A, you can imagine how bad i felt after i saw my final grade. why the hell would she tell me i am an A, and then take it back? i feel so bitter. i worked hard for botany since it was the only subject where i excelled. and this is what i get? what's worse is that almost half of the block got A's and the lowest ones got B's. mediocracy is never a strength. definitely no chance for DL. one thing i learned, i have to change strategies. if you know what i mean.


***


this early i'm planning my next sem's goals. i just couldn't waste one day of the second semester considering my very depressing performance from this sem.

1. focus on quizzes. be it short 10 item quizzes.
2. don't stay up late, unless it's really important. by important i meant school works and not chatting and stalking.
3. never mind failure. if i fail, i fail. there would always be a next quiz i can make bawi.
4. independence is the key. no more relying on other people to do the job i can do by myself.
5. be mataray. >:)

these are just some of my goals. i have to come up with more specific ones before the sem starts.


***


change is inevitable, but as much as possible, i want change to go my way.

projecting

after three very long weeks, i am finally home. for one whole month, i wouldn't have to worry about anything but how to spend my sembreak. screw those finals results. no matter how depressed i was last night while packing my things, and no matter how depressing my finals were, i don't care anymore. i don't want to keep on nagging myself on how i could have done better with my subjects. everything happened already, and me making it to the dean's list is nothing but a dream. i would be the happiest person if i do make it to the dl. and if i don't, 3 and a half more years mehn. that's a long way to go.

***

i forgot how comforting it was to go home. i mean in my real home, and not in my small dusty room with rats lurking under my bed. even without the aircon or a 50 steps away mcdo, everything would still seem perfect. i could again wake up in the morning with no worries of the day's activities or with various choices of what to eat for breakfast. no more canned meatloaf or cold pandesal for one month! i am back in my comfort zone, getting all the comfort i want.

***

projection was one of the best things i have learned this sem from my filipino class. sigmund freud explains that projection refers to the feelings one has for another and yet refuses to accept these feelings. simply put, A likes B but A refuses to believe that A likes B, thus A projects these feelings by teasing B to C. gets? it goes something like that. it's so weird to find out that there are explanations to these kind of involuntary actions. i think it's quite cool.

***

projection goes beyond liking someone. it is a form of somehow escaping something, even for a while, you cannot accept immediately to your system. projection allows you to think, to ponder and to still have that glint of hope for something to happen.

eugenic engineering

eugenic engineering - choosing only the desirable traits for an individual *botany nerd speaking O_O*

this is hell.

i spent two f*cking days studying for my bot finals. i read six long chapters of botany and i don't think anything registered in my head. i never studied for anything as much as i did for my finals. i just wish all my hard work would soon pay off.

this is hell-er.

i just received a group email from my english prof discussing our final paper. before she sent a message, i was thinking the evaluative paper would probably be easier than the first two, considering we only had limited time to do it. but here comes the stupid email telling me info about the paper. as i read through it, my thoughts of no-cramming paper inch by inch vanished. i am seriously cramming this one. i don't how i am supposed to finish it by thursday, along with my finals in fil. ohnoes.

this is the hell-est.

i failed to be exempted for any of my subjects. call me loser. while some of my classmates are already enjoying their finals-free week, the rest of us have to spend the rest of the days studying for the exams. i should have studied harder. boo-hoo.


i just want to get the exams over with, so i can go home by friday. i really really want to go home. it's the only thing i look forward to this week. if i only i can pick the things i desire and leave behind all the shit, but then again, that's not fun.

with bruised faces and splintered hearts

i was supposed to write a blog entry celebrating my finished lit paper, instead i am crying over my finished lit paper.

so i did finish it tonight. i managed to follow my schedule. tomorrow i will be reading SIX long not to mention boring chapters of botany. *please let me not cram*

i could have done better on my lit paper. but i was just too tired and too sleepy to even try editing it. i just want this sem to end. i can't wait for friday. i will be going home soon. yehey.

i have run out of dulce for the night. all the sweetness have been sucked out. i don't want the sun to shine tomorrow. simply because i don't want to face my botany book.

because this more fun than my lit paper and math long test :))

nakaw from DAR, NINA, MIKOY, SEAN and PC. :)) :)) :))

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counting the days

eight more days and i will be finished with my first semester.
eight more days and i will be packing my clothes back home again.
eight more days and i will be sitting in the cashier, giving change to customers.
eight more days and i will not have to budget my food anymore.
eight more days and i will be able sleep without thinking of what to do the next day.
eight more days and i will be reading my unread books.
eight more days and i will be writing my unwritten blog posts.
eight more days and i will be eating food i have longed missed.
eight more days and i will be strolling around the near mall windowshopping.
eight more days and i will be saving money for christmas.
eight more days and i will be thinking of eight more days before going back to school.
eight more days and i will not be seeing my blockmates, english and real.
eight more days and i will be losing more hours of internet.
eight more days and i will not be cramming homework and papers.

eight more days.

crammed words

i have decided to stop crossposting my blogger posts to my multiply. multiply has just been to abusive. ironically, i prefer to write only for myself and not for other people. these past few months, i discovered how much my writing has changed. i have let out too vague, too dense and too empty words which never mean anything at all. i have spent the semester ranting about how hard it is for me to adjust to my schedule, to my workload, and to everything else in between. and these words, as read by others, speak of me as a different person.

***

so the semester is indeed coming to an end. after almost five months, i managed to complete the sem in one piece. hell week is already here. papers are waiting to be written. chapters are waiting to be memorized and i still haven't warm up. i have gotten myself too used to the culture of cramming. unlike high school when i usually study days ahead, i now choose to cram everything the day or if i'm in procrastination, probably the night before. i just want everything to finish. i am longing for a long break with no papers or quizzes to cram.

***

last sunday, ateneo lost. after 14(?) games, everything has fallen apart. the cheers and hoots mean nothing now that chris tiu didn't make the shot. i feel sorry for ateneo. we were so close to making it to the finals. nonetheless, animo la salle. in times like this, i wish i stayed in la salle. i wold have been cheering right now for my alma mater and not feeling the pain of losing a game. but then again, it was a good fight. it sucks though that i lost 500 pesos on this single game.

***

this is so outdated, but i still feel so bitter about it. last september 21, fall out boy went to manila for their friends or enemies tour. even before the tickets cam out, i was just as excited as every fob fan. three days before the concert, still no tickets in my hand. the concert had passed and i never even got the chance to see them on tv interviews. *sob*

***

sorry i had to pack everything into one post. i missed blogger so much! it was still so much different to post here rather than in multiply. here, i don't have to worry for grammatical errors or run-on sentences. i can type away and never even worry who reads my posts because really, who knows of this blog other than my friends? hahaha.

more to come.