advance happy father's day

My father is one of those people I am not really used to seeing very happy or hyper, as I call it. He was more of the serious type, the man with a few words, well, kind of like me when I’m at home. I grew up being very careful when it comes to him. I was afraid of him, thinking that whatever mistake I make, he’ll sure find out. But ironically, the more I try I to avoid him, the more he thinks of me as his girl, daddy’s girl. I liked that feeling. When he gets so happy when I do something good, when he praises me when I get good grades, when he allows me to but things my mom wouldn’t. But there was a catch with being the papa’s girl, I have to be always good in front of him. No unethical movements, no talks about boys, no fooling around. I was the bait whenever he gets mad, no one else can talk to him except me. Even my mom can’t approach him. It was only me who can ease his anger. Although I liked the feeling that I was my dad’s reliever, it doesn’t stop me from feeling all scared of the fact that he could scold me all the same. Until now, he is still the same old grumpy you-don’t-know-what-to-expect-from father and I am still daddy’s girl-slash-the-rest-of-us’-bait.

So what’s with this daddy drama?

My dad’s leaving on Wednesday for US. It’s his first time to go there, and I can sense how excited he is with going. Duh? Who wouldn’t be excited with having a 15 day break from all that stress and work? But as he leaves, I can also feel his anxiety of leaving the tindahan and us. He has never been away that long. He’s probably scared as a first-timer, as well as leaving. We’re as scared as him. I don’t know if I should be happy that there will be no old grumpy dad for a long time or sad that my papa will be away. I am also disappointed that he wouldn’t be there to witness a lot of things. My PROM, kuya and ali’s birthday and abi’s culminating activity. It’s just so sad that he’ll miss it, but not as much as we’ll miss him.

I realized how much my father means to me. I have taken for granted those times when I could get closer to him, but didn't because I was scared he might not appreciate the affection I give to him even just as a simple daughter.

I'm sorry dad, I wish I could have been more sincere. I'm sorry I judged you as someone you are not or as someone I perceived you as. And I'm sorry I can't tell all of these in front of you. I'm still scared, but that doesn't mean i love you dad.