before christmas excitement

feeling a lot better today.



christmas is so IN me already! so....


MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

...may you all have a sweet christmas...

see you after christmas.

;p

tired and exhausted

have you ever had that day when everything just isn't right? when even though how hard you try, it just doesn't work out? no matter how much effort you put into something, they just don't seem right?

i'm tired of that day. i am tired of reliving that moment in my life. i just couldn't understand why i have to suffer much each time this kind of day comes. why i have to put my emotions at risk. i am halfway to crying, yet still don't understand why. i can't find any damn reason why i feel so bad right now. i shouldn't be blogging, i should be down there, enjoying myself at our christmas party. but i just couldn't stop myself from opening my blog and typing whatever comes out of my mind. i want to type endlessly, if breathing out my thoughts means lightening this burden, well then, may God allow me to never leave this computer ever.

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i have lost a lot of things. i have lost a lot of time. i have lost chances that were supposed to become moments. i have lost the people i love because i constantly pushed them away. i have lost my identity, my inner being. i realized, this is no longer who i really am. and now, i don't know where to find all of them. i feel empty, perhaps unsatisfied.

they have gone and left nothing.

on the three days before christmas

three more days to go and it's christmas time...

three more days to finish my last minute christmas shopping for my dad, mom, and siblings...(gawd)

three more days to eat as much as i can and then it's diet period. seriously.

three more days to think of our christmas get away...

three more days to wait until i open my christmas gifts. wee....

three more days to attend simbang gabi...(i haven't attended a single one)

three more days to enjoy living a school-free, stress-free, becky-full life...

three more days to save up more money to buy more gifts...

three more days to wake up and realize that Christmas really is coming...

the girl who will be the next becky bloomwood

becky bloomwood is just so fab! i really can't get enough of her. i have been so addicted with her that i would trade dinner over finishing the 4th sequel of her shopping adventures! gawd, i so love sophie kinsella for being such a genius and thought of creating a character like becky.

so what exaclty am i talking about? ok, here's a little info about who rebecca bloomwood is. she was a financial journalist turned personal shopper. so the title of the first book tells it all, "confessions of a shopaholic". becky is a certified shopping addict, she is the goddess of all gods and goddesses of shopaholics. she can't resist the temptation of buying everything she lays her eyes on. from clothes to shoes to bags to luggage and even to oh well, pretty much everything! she has this kind of thought that when she buys this something she'll be remembered as the woman with the, let's say, her infamous Denny & George scarf (oh, i so love that scarf). she tends to go beyond borders on almost everything, shopping, dreaming and as well as getting her way through her problems. that's about it, i don't want to be such a spoiler. you better buy the first one, or better yet, buy all four like what i did! you're so gonna love it. you'll laugh, cry, get angry, and simply adore all those stuff she buys.

why i love it? simply because i can totally relate on how she feels whenever she sees something she likes, except that she pretty much gets it, while i don't. poor me. anyway, i'm kind of the impulsive shopper too. i buy something when i find it cute not realizing i don't really need to buy one. i have been so careless on buying things with not my own money, but mt mom's. well, she never complains about it so i thought it was okay. i soon realized it wasn't okay. i have been wasting money over a 400 peso faddish bracelet while my parents are working just to earn that money. i don't want to end up having huge problems like becky, huge enough to ruin her life not only once just because of not controling herself in shopping. but i do want to be like becky. i want to be brave enough to face the problems that come my way. i want to learn from the mistakes i have done. i want to be in debt yet still manage to get my way out of it. i want to send stupid letters to bank managers with some weird excuses for not paying my debts. i want to marry a guy named luke brandon who owns a big time PR company in new york and london. i want to get married in The Plaza and at the comfort of my own backyard. i want to travel the whole world with my husband for our honeymoon. i want to be a personal shopper at Barney's. i want to have a best friend named Suze and spend lots of fun and make over nights with her.i want to have a sister named jess who doesn't have anything common with me. i want to go shopping almost everyday and spend millions od pounds and dollars on shopping. i want to have my own Angel bag bought in Milan. i want to be remembered as the girl obsessed with rebecca bloomwood or better yet as the second beck bloomwood.

oops! i kind of gone overboard. i know i am not supposed to share much, but i guess you have gotten some hinches already about the books. anyway, i am now waiting for the fifth book, Shopaholic & Baby. i don't want to dare miss this one. i have to buy it, i just have to. i hate to wait until february. ugh. that's like---counting---two whole months! if only anybodu could manage to get me the book earlier. hmmm. but patience is a virtue. i know i will soon get my hands on the fifth book.

soooo excited....

guilt

i have never felt so ashamed as i am now. i am embarrassed of myself and of what i did. i never expected that anyone other than my friends are looking through my blog and my posts. i was ultimately surprised to see him tagging. at first, i thought it was just some prank tagger who had nothing to do so decided to write something in my tag board. the name mlq3 did not immediately register in my head. when i clicked on the link, a big Manuel L. Quezon III header slapped me on the face. the person who tagged on my blog was none other than Mr. Manolo himself. well, that's what i tried to make myself believe. but if it wasn't him, whoever you are, if you're just trying to pull a prank, you did very well. thanks for convincing me it's mr. quezon. but if it really was you, mr. quezon, thank you and sorry. thank you for tagging and for making me realize how much i overreacted. and sorry for despising you, i don't really mean it. i wish to take back anything i have said against you.

i realized how insensitive i have become with the words i uttered. i have been so selfsich of my own feelings. i never considered what others might feel upon reading my blog. i have learned to be more careful with what i write in my blog, but not forgetting my purpose to express freely. the defeat over the presscon was my fault and not mr. manolo's. it was i who failied and not him. i shouldn't have used his name just to cover up the depression i had. again, so sorry.

what i want for christmas

morality tells us it is better to give than to receive, but humans as we are, we can't resist that feeling of excitement whenever we receive something that it makes us (or me) to jump for joy when i get lovely presents. call me selfish but receiving gifts really lighten me up. better to receive than to give. haha.

this is probably the first christmas party that i received lots of gifts from my friends and from others. i had a lot to take home but nothing to open on christmas eve. i've gotten too excited that i opened all my gifts already. thank you to all those who remembered me and thank you for your wonderful gifts. i really appreciate all of them. you have granted my wishes for christmas and i couldn't thank you enough.

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finally, after 21 cups of coffee and frappucino, i got my Starbucks planner! wee. total bliss. thanks to my starbucks addict father, i managed to get all 21 stickers. and now that i have my new and so fab planner, i am dying to write on it already. i also got a free starbucks pen. yahoo. plus i even had the chance to donate to SparkHope. thanks dad for giving me what i wanted for christmas. this is way better than my impossible dream for a laptop.

i admit, i am materialistic, but i do believe all of us are. somewhere in our hearts, we are craving to have that something. it may not be as deep as true love or peace or whatever, but these material things which are truly worthless give us this feeling of pleasure and satisfaction even for a moment. they are the sparks of hope that lighten our burden over failing to achieve our deeper wishes.

RSPC, etc.

just when i was already halfway in writing my post about rizal, brownout! ugh. now i know how it feels . and now i have to start all over again. kainis.

during my six four day in Rizal, i was so ecited and eager to write all my experiences but as soon as i finally had the time to type away, laziness wrapped me. iroically, the excitement over updating my blog faded away. i am considered to just sip my lips and not share, but i felt guilty not to share. i mean i don't want to be selfish and not share, or give, like what i stood for in my editorial. so get ready for a pretty long post.

day one
the heavy rains and the strong winds still woke me up. finally, natuloy rin. i managed to take a cold shower and go to lipa. i arrived early and heavy rains followed me there. and after eons, we managed to drive to rizal. we had to go through heavy traffic, hunger groans and dead ends before we reached our quarters. but the long wait was worth it anyway, san francisco elem. school ws so beautiful, much like a resort if you ask me. we had a perfect view of what we thought was manila bay. we had a tv in our room. but we also had to pay a big price for that. our quarters was way out of civilization. we had to travel and get lost for more than an hour to reach our contest venue. so anyway, the first day was spent on looking for the school and a bit a cam whoring with our cute pajamas.

day two
photojourn started but still no editorial, so i spent most of the time strolling in the boring tiangge. i had nothing to do this day. it was eating sleeping eating and sleeping again. totally boring day for me. while arjae and rizelle were busy taking pictures under the heat, i was also busy--sleeping. haha. after their session, we went back to the quarters since rizelle was not feeling well. we had our siesta time, meaning more sleeping time for me. the rest of the afternoon was spent trying to think of something to do. we missed the sunset, but promised to watch it the next day. word for the day: sleep. ;p

day three
arjae and i were to lazy to take a shower since we already had one last night. we were also too lazy to even go to the comfort room to get dressed. so guess how did we get to our day clothes? under our blankets we hide and then the magic happened. haha. we were laughing at ourselves while we were getting dressed, trying to figure out how we could fit our pants. in the end, we did it. i really had fun doing it. we traveled to the contest venue and still no editorial contest. ugh. photo lay outing started. well, arjae unexpectedly called me. and... she's okay, no more story. right arj? anyway, rizelle went home since she was feeling really bad. miss noemi arrived that day so it was bye bye for miss nerisse. i slept early since i will be competing the next day. until now, i regretted having to sleep early and missing the six shooting stars and the englidh speaking chit chat with carlos. huhu. arjae, you finally figured out what to wish for. yey.

day four (contest day/final day/shopping spree day)
finally, the moment i've been waiting for finally came, or so i thought. we arrived very aerly so as to prepare me for the contest. we were very excited and anxious at the same time, but that stupid-TH singer-corny facilitator announced the contest was postponed to later this afternoon at 1pm. it was only 8am when he announced! grrr, i hate him. i hate manuel quezon III for being so irresponsible with his schedule. i hate them both for ruining our neatly planned trip to tensadillas tiendisitas right after the contest. we don't have any choice but to wait. at around 12, the contest started. the topic was completely unexpected!"This christmas season: is it right to give or to receive?" i despise quezon for giving that topic. i despise the rspc. the topic was completely not fit for an editorial, more of an essay or a feature article. but anyway, i tried to give my best but i guess quezon did not appreciate my style. so what? it's not my world!(quoted from ms. noemi) i am happy just to express how i feel about the topic. goodbye baguio. goodbye nspc. hello tiendesitas. haha.

after the contest, we had a chance to even for two hours to unwind and breathe out all the stress from the press con. and what better way to relax than to go on a shopping spree? wee. i went gaga over the shops there. so thanks arjae for influencing us to go there. i bought my december 15 christmas party outfit plus a bag and some paarte. really fun. and to make the long story short, i was home sweet home by 9pm.

RSPC finally ended, but i am not leaving behind all the fun, sleep, lessons, heat, food, picturesque views, traffic, shocking bumbongs and almost forgot, boys i had during the regionals.

a little info on boys, we managed to spot two ultimate cuties. lucena boy-slash-patrick look alike and my supposed to be fate from tiaong. fate already brought us together, but i was too shy(?) to make any move. too bad. oh well, i don't enjoy long distance love affair anyway. haha.


i'm still a winner. i don't need any award or any contest to express my thoughts. my pen, my dulce, and my blog are enough to make me feel that i can be a writer.

DELAYED

cold winds and heavy rains woke me up this morning. i received a message from miss noemi; she was worried about our trip this afternoon. then i just realized we were leaving nga pala today. i had a feeling our trip to rizal will be postponed because of seniang. well, thanks again to the rain, for ruining another day. text messages came telling me that the trip ws cancelled. i was already panicking about going to school tomorrow unprepared. i mean, i have already set my mind that i will be away for seven days, i can't just go back?

after i arrived from the church, miss nerisse texted me apologizing for the cancellation of the trip til tomorrow morning. so the final decisionwas 6am tomorrow at the hls. haha. seems like we're going to abroad ahh. delayed trips and ungodly hours. haha. anyway, it's good na rin it was cancelled. i don't want to risk myself out there when i know there's a typhoon.

and now, excitement atarts to fade alerady. i have been waiting for the regionals for so long that each passing day, my excitement over it lessens. i'm getting a bit annoyed that waiting seemed so long. my hands could not wait any longer. and my pen craves for writing.

so rizal will have to wait until tomorrow. it will be a battle between my pen and seniang.

miss you's and goodbye's

i hate goodbyes. i hate the feeling of leaving behind people you truly love. i hate to see my friends crying and hugging us as if there's no tomorrow. i hate goodbyes.

for one whole week, i will be away from internet, from school, from ym, from cramming moments, from literary criticism and from physics. also, for seven whole days, i will be away from the people who continuously sweeten my lemons. these people are my friends, my seatmates and my other classmates. just this afternoon, we had one of the most painful goodbyes ever. we cannot help but hug each other tightly and tell how much we'll be missing each. pictures were taken. songs were chanted. laughter surrounded all of us. but these things cannot amount to how much i will be missing them.

i'm really gonna miss you guys! so much!!!

and as i left, i promised that i will try to bring home pasalubong (plus a medal if granted ;p), all for them. so wish us luck! everything we will do during the next week will be for you. so be sure to prepare a grand christmas party when we get back. *laughs*

strangers knocking at my door

so what is on my to-do list for this night?

quiz on math about circular function
assignment in physics about UCM
recitation in physics, economics
chapters 4-7 of el fili
thesis proposal of our literary criticism
news article for bulik

and what have i finished? na dah. nothing. wala lang. i just don't feel like starting anything pa.

for the past nights, i have been contemplating on how i have lived my high school life. i once wrote a reco letter to my friend telling her to enjoy her high school days unlike me, all i did was study, study, study and barely had time to stop and enjoy the simple pleasures of high school. i realized how focused i was on my academics that i only had less time to enjoy, as in plain fun, and more time to mumble words by myself and to wake up at ungodly hours just to study and finish assignments. and now that i am near my diploma, i figured, i am gonna graduate na rin naman, why not lie low on my studies for a while? why not let the stranger, laziness sink in to me for once? i have stressed myself enough already, now is the time to breathe out all the stress and let some carefree energy in.

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a trusted friend-slash-fortune teller told me, using her new fortune telling strategy- palm reading, that i will soon be involved in, yes, in another old stranger, a serious relationship.well,
i don't if i should be happy or if i should fear this omen.

i trust you berna, i just don't know if i should count on it. haha.