advance happy father's day

My father is one of those people I am not really used to seeing very happy or hyper, as I call it. He was more of the serious type, the man with a few words, well, kind of like me when I’m at home. I grew up being very careful when it comes to him. I was afraid of him, thinking that whatever mistake I make, he’ll sure find out. But ironically, the more I try I to avoid him, the more he thinks of me as his girl, daddy’s girl. I liked that feeling. When he gets so happy when I do something good, when he praises me when I get good grades, when he allows me to but things my mom wouldn’t. But there was a catch with being the papa’s girl, I have to be always good in front of him. No unethical movements, no talks about boys, no fooling around. I was the bait whenever he gets mad, no one else can talk to him except me. Even my mom can’t approach him. It was only me who can ease his anger. Although I liked the feeling that I was my dad’s reliever, it doesn’t stop me from feeling all scared of the fact that he could scold me all the same. Until now, he is still the same old grumpy you-don’t-know-what-to-expect-from father and I am still daddy’s girl-slash-the-rest-of-us’-bait.

So what’s with this daddy drama?

My dad’s leaving on Wednesday for US. It’s his first time to go there, and I can sense how excited he is with going. Duh? Who wouldn’t be excited with having a 15 day break from all that stress and work? But as he leaves, I can also feel his anxiety of leaving the tindahan and us. He has never been away that long. He’s probably scared as a first-timer, as well as leaving. We’re as scared as him. I don’t know if I should be happy that there will be no old grumpy dad for a long time or sad that my papa will be away. I am also disappointed that he wouldn’t be there to witness a lot of things. My PROM, kuya and ali’s birthday and abi’s culminating activity. It’s just so sad that he’ll miss it, but not as much as we’ll miss him.

I realized how much my father means to me. I have taken for granted those times when I could get closer to him, but didn't because I was scared he might not appreciate the affection I give to him even just as a simple daughter.

I'm sorry dad, I wish I could have been more sincere. I'm sorry I judged you as someone you are not or as someone I perceived you as. And I'm sorry I can't tell all of these in front of you. I'm still scared, but that doesn't mean i love you dad.

if only i could have the control to do so

As expected, I am now in a more confused state than I was after finding out my acet results. Just yesterday, I got my UPCAT results. I have heard the worst word, err, term for the day---dpws. Hell, I didn't even know what it meant until arjae told me it was like being waitlisted or something. So what's worse? Not knowing what dpws mean? Or knowing what it means and regretting knowing it? Whatever. In short, life had gone crazier for me now. I cannot decide where to go. I tried crying but it doesn't help lessen the confusion. I don't know how to tell my parents that I want to go to ateneo, but I don't want to be selfish all the same. I cannot make a decision because I know for every decision I do, someone's going to hate me. If I only I was selfish and insensitive, I wouldn't be bothered like this. I have to consider what my parents are going to say, how my “concerned” relatives are going to react when they find out and where I am going to live or who I am gonna live with. Just this morning, I can no longer take in all the pressure that I broke down and cry. I am so relieved to have friends who were there to catch me and be proud of me even if no one else is. Thanks guys!! I just hope that within this week I will have the courage to tell my parents what kind of future I want for myself and tell them how much it'll mean to me if they allow me to choose what I want. No pressure, no hindrances, no doubts, just what my heart beats for.

bad habits

Did you know that the governor of Batangas has been suspended? Or that Smith has already been transferred to the U.S. embassy custody? I don’t. I didn’t know so many things were happening and I barely knew anything about them. This is how I’ve become. Before, I usually keep myself updated for the latest news, well that was during the press con period. During those times, I have gained the habit of watching prime time news and buying the Sunday newspaper every week. But when I lost the contest, I also lost the habit. I thought, what is the purpose of keeping myself informed when it will only be futile just like the last time. And now I feel sorry to lose that habit. I am sorry to realize that I have become someone I don’t want to be, a writer who only impresses and forgets to express her thoughts. All the preparation I have done for the rspc was just a show, to prove my capacity in writing. I failed to fulfill my purpose why I reached that phase, the purpose I used during the division. And I am sorry too that I never lived up to what I said on my post for the rspc. I said I don’t need any contest to prove my capabilities as a writer, but I realized maybe I would’ve felt better if I did win, and then I wouldn’t lose my dulce for writing. But I want to be that writer again. I want to be informed. I want to have questions and queries filled in mind. I want to write, and to write what I truly feel and not to write about something crappy and rotten and which I can never be proud to be called mine.

I considered myself a paranoid. Obsessed over gaining luck, safety and perfection for the day by depending it to the things I wear. That’s how I used to be, but I noticed I am learning to drop that habit. I have gained enough faith that I don’t need any accessory to rely on for the turnout of my day. I am continuously learning to be more confident and independent. I know I have to drop the habit sooner or later, or else it will worsen and soon get me broke. ;p

I’m moving on. There, I have said it. Well, I think I am. I am keeping my resolution of letting go of the bastard. And I don’t really feel bitter about doing so. It makes me feel that he truly isn’t everything. I can find someone better. I have lost the habit of looking for him in the crowd, freaking out when I see him or when he greets me. That is so last year; besides, it’s tiring dreaming of the same guy for so long.

I have three habits that I want to get rid of and as the year continues to fly, I just wish the wind will blow away all the other negativity i have.

the final chapter

Tomorrow, I will be opening the last chapter of my high school life. I never thought that I would arrive at this point that fast. Reality struck me last night while I was fixing my school stuff when I realized 4th quarter na. A part of is elated that the entire burden high school gave me will soon be finished, but a larger part of me says I don’t want to leave yet. I don’t want to give up the things I love to do in high school. I don’t want to regret things I should have done while I’m still here. I don’t want to leave all my friends. I don’t want to let go of the experiences I gained during high school. But I know, sooner or later, I will have let them all go. I cannot leave myself behind and not experience the tougher world of college. I have to be strong if I want to survive.

I promise myself, for this last quarter of my senior year, I will do my best to do everything I haven’t done before and to strive really hard to get really good grades. This is my last shot to give what I have. No more taking back’s. No more doubts. I have to give my best. I will make myself for the things I have done and will always look back to. *i dont want to promise anything anymore. im being lazy.

High school taught me how to be strong and how to be just myself. I have learned to express my inner being without thinking of what others might think. I have bloomed for four years and I am ready to step outside for bigger challenges and bigger aspirations.

Henry David Thoreau once wrote, "Live each season as it passes, breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each."

High school will forever remain in our hearts. No matter how many years may pass, we will always look back to the moments when we have been nothing but ourselves.

the trick is to keep breathing

My horoscope for the day: “Everything is starting to fall into place -- you're seeing people in a new light.” I know it’s not really encouraged that we believe in such random statements, but I kind of got used to the habit of reading it anyway. And most of the time, my astrological readings seem to fit in the picture. Well, except for today’s horoscope. How can everything start to fall into place when they don’t have a place to fall into? How can I see people in a new light when in fact there is no new light? It seemed to me that whenever I try to give up things I promise I will, I just couldn’t. They keep coming back; they just won’t leave. And I am not sure if they are something good or something I have to take double thinking.

Entrance exams results released. In one week, dlsu and admu released their test results, and thankfully I managed to pass both exams. I am now waiting for up and ust, so conitune to pray for me. So here’s the thing. Before, I have already convinced myself that entering ateneo would not be included in my list of school options. First of all, because it seemed like so impossible to pass that school, with an honors program. Second of all, where the hell can I find the money to finance my ateneo future? As suggested by kenji, it is advisable to rob a bank. Now that’s an idea right? So I asked if I could accompany him or take some extra for me. Haha. Another brilliant idea. Getting back, after finding out my results and after freaking out (the good kind), my mind got all confused, again. For so many days, I have been daydreaming of myself strolling in the ateneo grounds, bs psych, group studying with my friends, and plainly, reaching the peak of my dreams. Admu seemed like the perfect school for me and for anyone else and now that I have the ticket and it’s within my reach, I still cannot have it. A lot of things continuously hinder me from entering my dream university. I thought passing ateneo was the fulfillment of my dreams, the missing piece in my puzzle, but I guess I was wronged. Everything just got worse.

Want to know my new year’s resolution? I promised to let go and to forget all those bastards. And when I mean bastards, I meant those creatures that perfect the art of making you believe that they’re into you but really aren’t, those viruses that cause you to catch the HR syndrome, those jerks who brag about their looks that they look stupid doing it. Argh, Damn them. So this year, I promised to erase them in my list. So please allow me to quote nhet’ s infamous words, “Studies first”. Haha. But once again, promises are broken and resolutions are forgotten. They came back, or rather, never left. And they continue doing what they do best, making us fall yet again.

We just finished our third quarterly exams and I could say this has got to be the worst quarterly exam ever. First, I had, and still have, a bad case of colds. I have creating a solo cold symphony in class, and everyone just laughs. And what’s worse than colds? Colds while answering a long stupid exam I can hardly get. Answer. Pause. Blow. Answer sabay blow. Music to their ears and relief to my clogged nose. So what’s worse than worse? How about failing almost all your exams? Gawd, I told this is the worst qe. Well, that’s okay; I kind of pictured it already.

So what happened to my horoscope? Nothing, total opposite. I have proved that not all horoscopes are real. Well, at least mine. But still, things not falling into place and people not being seen in a different light do not stop me from living. I have learned something. The trick is to keep breathing.