because peyton sawyer said so

Peyton Sawyer once said, “People always leave,” and sadly she was right about what she said.

I kept telling myself how much I enjoy doing things on my own, but honestly, I realized it’s no fun to eat by myself or stroll around the mall alone. I kept on fooling myself that to walk alone is the best thing that I’ve ever experienced. But in the end, it is also during these times when I do not have anyone to talk to or share food with that I feel how miserable my life would be if it were like this all the time. But then again, to proclaim that I enjoy being a loner is probably a projection of how I really feel inside. Perhaps I would rather choose to believe that I do not want to be with other people rather than to hang on for company that I know would later on leave. As much as I hate goodbyes, it breaks my heart to see people leave without even turning back to wave their final goodbyes.

This semester marks the end of a lot of things, an ending to my freshman year, an ending to my English block, and more things in between. I realized only this morning while I was tuning out inside the chapel that for an entire year I have been going in and out of the chapel and have unconsciously finished the whole school year. But sadly, the ending of the school year didn’t feel as exciting as I thought it would be. I imagined block parties, outings and end of the year celebrations, but none of these things happened. It seemed to me that this is probably how college really is, being independent and living in your little world. People don’t have time to think about you, it’s just you and whatever you have inside your head. I was so used with last day gimiks I often had during high school, and now that I’m in college, not even a bit of the memory was reborn.

But despite of this sad realization, I actually don’t blame anyone. Again, people always leave. I can’t stop my friends or my blockmates from doing what they want to go, right? Or go where they wish to go. Also, they don’t hold any responsibility of having a party with the whole class. In college, I figured, it’s alright not to care. Reality bites, but that’s how it goes. No matter how painful it is to see our block slowly drifting apart, I cannot do anything to get hold of them and gather them all together. I feel that as soon as summer classes start, we’d all be waving hi’s and hello’s but not stopping to talk with each other. It may be different this time.

***

Tomorrow (or I meant today) my English block will have our final lit play. To be frank, I have been waiting for people to stand up and suggest that we go out and celebrate after the play. But nobody did. After today, we will no longer be seeing each other thrice a week and have something common to talk about. My English and Lit Block list in YM will be senseless after the play. God knows, we might even start ignoring each other and pretending we weren’t blockmates for a year. Even if I wasn’t able to know all of them well, I’m going to miss everyone. And I hope that as we leave CTC206, we would not leave whatever we have shared within the four walls of that room.

***

On the first of April, a close friend will be migrating to Canada. And on the day before that, I’m leaving also. So that’s why I wanted that even before we both leave, I will be able to do something special for her. I’ve known her for more than four years but it was only during the last two years when I got the chance to get to know her better and to love her more. And to realize that in less than a week, she would be leaving and possibly may not be coming back is really really disheartening. I don’t want her to go, but I know my selfish want would not do her any good. I will miss her, we all will.

***

Why do people get sad when others leave? Because they fear that those who leave would never come back. No matter how hard I try to hold on to the memories I have shared with the people who are special to me, I know that by the end of the day, we all have to go separate ways. And nobody can stop us from doing so.

People always leave in order to go different directions, but sometimes these directions can take them back to where they have started or have left off. And maybe, just maybe, they can come back to those that they have left behind.