i am blaming the rain again

I feel so unhappy right now.

I was walking with my blockmates earlier and I opened a topic about my other blockmate who will be celebrating her 18th birthday by the end of the month. So we started thinking of plans for her surprise party with pretty dresses and party related things. And after we talked I bid them goodbye since I had to drop by the chapel before going home. While I was alone in the chapel, I felt depressed and nostalgic. I can’t remember but there was something in the weather and the time of day that made me remember something in the past, I just couldn’t figure out what it exactly is. And for some weird reason, I began to cry. I was thinking about my mom, she texted me earlier today saying her legs hurt and that she wasn’t feeling well. I prayed to God asking Him to help her and to keep her away from harm. I prayed so hard and asked God to help my family. It felt like I was beginning to lose them and to pray long and hard would stop them from leaving me. I stayed inside longer since the rain hasn’t stopped yet, and the more time I spend inside that chapel, the more I felt depressed and weary.

I remembered my conversation with my blockmates earlier and about the surprise birthday parties. Self-pity got the worst of me and I began to worry about my own birthday. I know it’s selfish of me to think of my own birthday when there are other people who deserve more special birthdays than I ever will. But I am honestly an insecure person. I wonder how many people wrote in their planners or in their calendars when my birthday is. And if they would remember my birthday and try to find a way to greet me or make my day special; I never actually received any surprises from people that I love, so I don’t know how it feels to be surprised. Sure I know how it feels to surprise other people or think of a good idea to surprise them on their special days. I wish even for a single day, I can have a surprise as well. I sound selfish and self-pitying, but there are just those days when you don’t want to care about what other people would think. Forgive me, but this is one of those days. Days that you feel so unpretty, unnoticed and unloved.