don't give up. -natividad

I’ve been obviously busy with school work and the coming Kythe project. Although my schedule is a lot lighter compared to the first semester, I can’t seem to manage my time properly. Dunno why, I’m just not used to going home at 3PM that’s why I end up bumming around the lib or at the caf trying to waste time. Anyway, that’s not my point right now. Theo is becoming such a bitch right now, more than chem. I know, it’s weird. The readings seem easy enough to understand, but then, come class discussion, I’m left blank for 50 minutes while my management majors blockmates keep on raising their hands and answering/asking questions. I feel so stupid and faithless. We’ve had two quizzes and so far, I’ve failed both quizzes. *sob*

“Always be ready to give an explanation to anyone who asks you for a reason for your hope.” –Doing Theology

And I’m yet to find out what that explanation is. :-< Ah well, theo with natnat was never easy anyway.

For other news...

DLSU-United. UST-UNICEF. UP-Red Cross Youth. World Youth Alliance .Pre-Medical Society of Ateneo. Kythe Ateneo. 6 organizations. 1 cause. Help promote pediatric rights. Help heal. Join Kythe-Ateneo's Circle of Life Project! Join the poster-making and human chain to show your support for the children. Be a volunteer and contact us.

WHAT: Kythe-Ateneo's Circle Of Life Project
WHEN: November 30, 2008, 7:30am- 12nn
WHERE: Quezon City Circle

CONTACT: Angel(09193654443) or Mia(09169732222) or Kriselle (09209096426)

THIS IS OPEN TO ANYONE, so please message me if you're interested. Kk? ;)

three little birds

I want this week to end alreaaaaady. The first the three days felt like August when everything seemed to pile up on me, but the only difference is that August consisted of 30 days of torture.

7:30
Nobody wants to go to school early, especially for chem, but we didn’t have a choice. Boo. After going through the syllabus, our professor explained how different Ch11 will be from Ch7. M-m-m-m-math! More math, more formulas, more computations for this sem. Ohnoes. And I think the only reason I survived Ch7 was because I read the chapters and tried to remember the concepts. The computational part was just a shame. I’m scared for this one, seriously. I know I didn’t so well with my Math subjects back in first year, so I’m most likely to expect a not-so-good one for this subject.

BREAAAK
I don’t like long breaks anymore. Back in first year, I used to love these 2 or 3 hour breaks since they meant more time to play Pusoy Dos or lunch in Katipunan. But that’s so last year. :/ Who would a 2-hour break followed by Th121 (now this is another story) then another 1-hour break before the next class? Huhuhu. What makes the breaks even more undesirable is not being with my other blockmates. Sad I know.

1030
ilovetheoilovetheoilovetheo. I’m trying to force into myself a positive outlook on this subject, cos really, I don’t think I will survive if I see this subject in a different dramatic suicidal perspective (although it really is something I’d cry over). Thank God I was not alone though. During sembreak I was seriously panicking since I thought I didn’t have anyone with me in Natividad’s class, but what do you know, my good ol’ theo blockmates even offered me as the sacrificial lamb a.k.a. class beadle. But it’s okay, good chances of sucking up. =)) =)) =)) But you know, I haven’t heard of any other blocks that were chopped and shuffled into different theology blocks, like what the registrar sadly did to our block. It’s unfair how we’re stuck with the SOM people and are actually expected to be like them. Oh well oh well.

900
T-Th sched will probably kill me this semester since I’ll be having classes from 9am till 130. But it’s okay, I think it can be a good way for me to lose a few pounds with breakfast/lunch at 3 in the afternoon. HAHAHA, nice one. Plus, my professors seemed nicer and more considerate compared to the ones above. I mean, Manaois! People actually envy those who can get into Manaois. Lucky me. :P

200
One word… Judo. Fine, so I’m not the type who’s most likely to be seen choking someone or pinning someone, but seriously, you should see me tackle my brother when we were younger. It was similar to wrestling, only the kiddie version of it. So I thought why not try myself if I can still do it? It can’t be that bad right? What I don’t like about it is having to walk to Blue Eagle Gym 30 minutes after western history. No one likes to walk under the 1pm sun in heavy white denim judo uniform just to be thrown or pinned by your classmate. But other than that, judo sounds fun. I want to pin someone soon.


Aside from the slightly crazy schedule that I have for this sem, there are other things worth noting for the start of this semester. Have you noticed the new tiles in SOM and CTC buildings? I just think that Ateneo made a very good decision on that one. No more embarrassing oops-i-slipped moments during rainy days for me. Also, I’ve been seeing a lot of new faces for the past three days. These people that I’ve never come across to in the hallways for 2 years are suddenly my blockmates in different subjects. And well, there are those other familiar faces you’ve missed over the break, faces you wished weren’t the ones you’d first see on the first day, and faces that seemed to look at you differently now than before.

I’m praying for a better week next week because maybe I’m just not myself this week, or maybe I’m still not getting used to that fact that sembreak’s over. But regardless, I just want to feel better for myself and for this semester.

Thanks so much for crushing my ego. Really, thanks a lot dude. :)

hallo

I signed in to my messenger account tonight. Mmm, only a few people are online. I wonder why. Oh I don’t know *in a sarcastic tone*, maybe because most of my friends are out somewhere enjoying themselves during this semestral break. Either they’re not online, or they’re online with their display images featuring them in a beach background or in a where-you-should-be-this-sembreak background. And yes, I do feel sorry for myself that I have not gone out somewhere during this vacation while most people have been going out every day and night. I, too, want to go somewhere. Take me to the beach. Take me to the mall. Take me to Manila. Take me out of the country. Take me somewhere other than in front of my laptop.

Buuuuut, as it turns out, this night wasn’t as self-pityingand ego-bursting as I first thought it would be. After five months of no communication, no IMs, no text messages, no phone calls, I messaged my grade school best friend. Until now I don’t know why I did that since I’ve been seeing her going online-offline for a couple of weeks now and didn’t even bother taking a minute to talk to her. But tonight seemed different; I felt the urge to open up to her and just to see how things are going with her. Mabye because I was hoping I can vent my bitterness to someone or displace this self-pity to someone like here. Nonetheless, I’m more than happy I took that chance. I forgot how it felt to reconnect with someone you’ve known for so long and yet in this moment of reconnection, you are surprised to discover new things about each other. I miss talking to someone without holding anything back, without caring if I sounded gibberish and without thinking if I come off as someone different. I miss this, really I do. How can I let these chances of rekindling slip off my hands? I looked back to my old blog in Friendster and realized I wrote something about this same friend more than 4 years ago. I wrote about the same thing, about missing someone and missing the things we’ve used to share. It’s funny how a simple message can now make me feel a lot better than I was a few hours ago. Thank God for YM. Thank God for friends. Thank God for giving us the chance to reconnect and to renew what I thought we’ve lost.

On a side note, I'm still hoping for an outing or a gimmick before this vacay ends. But if not, there's always that Rihanna-Chris Brown concert to look forward to. Whoooo, time to memorize those songs!

sembreak's no fun at all

It’s ironic to realize that in spite of the long free hours that I spend in front of my laptop, I can’t seem to have the time or the effort to at least sign in to my blog account and to start typing whatever comes out of my mind. Well for one, it’s sembreak and with that comes work during the day, mall during the night and the rest of the evening in front of the computer. Sometimes it’s fun, but most of the time it’s boring especially when it’s been three hours and no one has IM-ed you. Hay, that’s sad. :P

I’ve been promising myself that I’d write a long post to sum up first semester, but I just couldn’t bring myself together to write anything decent. And then there’s that Kythe evsem “disaster” that I’ve been meaning to write about, buuuut same problem as above ---- tinatamad. So I think I’ll write about something else. I’ll vent about something that doesn’t require much brain energy from me. I’ll complain about different attempts to make this sembreak meaningful.

Malaysia: FAAAAIL
Seryoso, I thought we’d be going there this break since my dad has been talking about how beautiful the Petronas towers were and how enjoyable the Genting highland was. So being little miss eager, I researched about Malaysia for a week. I tried looking for travel agencies that offer packages to KL and other Malaysian destinations. I looked through the different hotels and tourist spots (and even restaurants) just to foresee where we’ll be staying. But then my dad decided to cancel the trip because the weather isn’t good for traveling during this time of the year. Uhh yeah, so much for my meaty research and package proposals.

Genting Highland

uhh some dark cave :P

*sigh*

Driving lessons
I haven’t actually inquired about it yet, but I’m not so sure if’ I still have enough time to learn how to drive. How many days does it usually take? I really want to learn, although I don’t know if I really need to know how to drive. It’s not like my parents will be buying me a car as soon as I learn how to drive. Nonetheless, it’s kind of awesome that I’d learn something new during this vacation. I’m still hoping I’d get a chance to learn. It will only be possible if I’m not too lazy to drop a line to the driving school.

Night walking: FAAAAIL
Sembreak is supposed to be the best way to implement a proper diet or weight loss program, but it looks I’ve been doing nothing but postponing my prepared weight loss plan to the next day. Before I know it, I’d be gaining a LOT of weight and ending up, well, fat. Hay, sad. Just so you know, I tried to do my night walking once. I just didn’t have the time, aka tinamad, after that night.

Kythe Circle of Life
If you could only see what I wrote in that timetable for the event, you’d kill me now for not doing ANY of those things I’ve listed. Laziness really is at its best during breaks; it drags you to this little circle and lets you out only after the sembreak. I tried to write the e-mail to be sent for the different yahoo groups, but I’m not entirely proud of it. The email looked pretty dull and sounded very shallow. Oh well, I have 34 more days to make this event as good as we hoped it to be.

Beachbeachbeach
I wanna go to the beach! NOW! I’m working hard on this one, tyring to look for the best beach resort for my family. Nobody wants to spend their all souls’ day at home right? Or in the cemetery? Do you have suggestions? Laiya, Batangas is nice and all, but sometimes you get tired of the same view, of the same food and of the same company.

daddy please, can we go here on november 1? please please. *bats eyelashes*

You see, I’ve been seriously trying to put energy into my sembreak, to add life to it, but every time I try to, nothing seems to work. I just want to lie on my bed to sleep or to read a few pages of the book I’m currently reading.

"There are certain things you can't undo. You can only go forward. " -Haruki Murakami (South of the Border, West of the Sun)

Freudian

I’m scared of people. When I was younger, I didn’t make much friends. I was usually alone or shifted from one friend to another. I knew even then that there has to be something wrong with me, that’s why my social life isn’t as healthy or isn’t as normal as other kids. But I didn’t mind that then. I was okay being alone.

But the repercussions of my behavior during childhood are catching up with me now. The fact that I wasn’t the friendliest person in the world now hinders me from socializing with other people. I’ve grown up, gained friends, belonged to different cliques, and learned to strike up a conversation with a stranger, but these milestones did not necessarily erase my fear of people. Yes, I still get scared of greeting people just because I am overcome by the feeling of rejection. It’s been my lifelong problem, and I’m not sure if there are people who feel the same way (if there are, please tell me). High school and college opened me to the reality that I can’t always be scared, and that I’m not the only who’s scared. All of my schoolmates, classmates are just as scared as I am when we are faced with strangers we don’t know. But we adjust, we let down our guards, we make friends. But then, our childhood never leaves us. It has been the pillar of our personality, no matter how good or bad it has been. And as for me, I have to live with the fact that when I was once a child, I didn’t have as much friends as I had hoped. That discomfort of being with other people still brings butterflies in my stomach, those butterflies that come with big boots thumping me inside to the point that I’d want to back out. My tummy’s like that right now, rolling with discomfort because in the next two days, I’ll face a bus full of strangers. I’m scared, but I have to overcome this fear. I have to be stronger. I have to rely on myself that I can go through this on my own. I’m no longer the 9 year old girl that I used to be, I’ve changed for the better. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for a better ending for this week starting today, because the first three days of my free week in Katipunan have been… blaaaaah. Please please God, hear my prayers. :(

these things again

Why does one hold on so much for the things that he thinks matter? Why are there things one considers to be important and unimportant? And why does it seem like everything is important? Because of this, one cannot ever let go of these “important” things. Why can’t one let go? Why can’t one easily move on? Why does one have to be very sentimental that one tends to hold on to every seemingly vital memory one associates with something?

I’m clearly confused. Instead of speaking out my thoughts, I’m writing them. After taking my two hour nap (I was deciding if I should carry on sleeping till the next day), I fixed my study table and cleared up the post it’s on my wall. I was actually debating with myself whether or not I should throw away these post it’s I’ve had since the start of the semester. Almost all of them contained a memory I wanted myself to remember. They even come with the date and time I wrote them. ^__^ But yeah, I decided to throw them away to clear my table and to give myself a sense of freedom from the first semester. Getting back to my point, it’s not only these post it’s that reminded me of the important things you know. But my point is, why? Why do we hold on to them so much, to the point that we end up stagnated? We can’t move on, even if we are supposed to, even if we are pushed to or forced to. Maybe people can’t move on or let go of the memories they’ve had of something because they’re not just ready yet. But when will we ever be prepared? Sometimes, I wish we just don’t get attached to these things, these feelings, these people in the first place, so we wouldn’t have to let go of anything.

i need a hug

Help me please. :( Please make me stronger, more confident, and more resilient.



Slow Me Down - Emmy Rossum

Rushing and racing
and running in circles
Moving so fast, I’m forgetting my purpose
Blur of the traffic is sending me spinning
Getting nowhere

My head and my heart are colliding, chaotic
Pace of the world
I just wish I could stop it
Try to appear like I’ve got it together
falling apart

Save me
Somebody take my hand, and lead me
Slow me down
Don’t let love pass me by
Just show me how
‘Cause I’m ready to fall
Slow me down
Don’t let me live a lie
Before my life fly by
I need you to slow me down

Sometimes I fear that I might disappear
In the blur of fast forward I faultier again
Forgetting to breathe, I need to sleep
getting nowhere

All that I’ve missed I see in the reflection
Passed me while I wasn’t paying attention
Tired of rushing, racing and running
falling apart

Tell me
Oh won’t you take my hand and lead me
Slow me down
Don’t let love pass me by
Just show me how
‘Cause I’m ready to fall
Slow me down
Don’t let me live a lie
Before my life flys by
I need you to slow me down

Just show me
slow me down, slow me down

The noise of the world is getting me caught up
Chasing the clock and I wish I could stop it
Just need to breathe, somebody please

who's the geek now?

My youngest sister’s sick today. After getting all made up as the flower girl for a family friend’s wedding, she ran a fever immediately after she walked down the aisle. So my parents had to take her home as soon as the mass ended. I wasn’t there when it happened because I was too busy working, but my mom told me my baby sister was crying cos she’s worried she might not be able to finish studying for her quarterly exams, and she’s scared she might not be able to take her exams this coming Monday. Just so you know, this is my seven year old sister talking here okay, not some college student panicking due to an unexpected fever before exams week. So when I heard my mom’s story, I laughed hard since I thought I was just like her before (I used to cry when I can’t bring myself to sleep by 8PM). But my sister’s quite different. I mean, 7 year old kids don’t cry over not being able to go to school for their exams. They get tantrums when their parents fail to buy them the toys they want or when they fight with their siblings. But no, my sister’s a geek. I want to think of a psychological explanation why she’s like this, but my brain’s also on sembreak mode. My mom’s story was just too funny that I felt like sharing.

My sister's sitting beside me right now, despite of feeling all dizzy and nauseous, she's asking me questions about the parable of the Prodigal Son and the Ten Commandments.

because sembreak's the perfect time to waste your time answering surveys

Grabbed from Zyrelle. :) I should be sleeping right now, but the coffee, it's keeping me awake. :/

You're stuck on an elevator with the person you've fallen the hardest for, what do you do?
~ PHWEEEEEE. ;)) ;)) malamang kinikilig na ako during this time di ba, but you gotta play it casually. I'll probably try to keep a conversation going in order to avoid any awkward moment. Or if i'm close to the person, play a game with him ;)) ;)) ;))

Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?
~Depends if I like him or not. If I do, tell him how I feel the same way and then we'd both be happy. If I don't like him, *sigh* sorry dude, I can only be your friend. I'll find him another girl if he wants.

If you're dying and if you ever wanna live to see another day, you're forced to snort cocaine, do you do it?
~Most likely, if it means having a few more days to live.

If you woke up in one of the Saw movies, do you think you could survive?
~Mmmm, I haven't seen any Saw movies, so I don't reall know. But I think I will. :))

You have to dye your hair a different color for the rest of your life, what color do you choose?
~Medium to dark brown hair color complements my skin tone, so yeah, I'd go for brown.

You have to get a tattoo, where and what do you get?
~Eeeeeh, tattooes are dirty :-s Do I really have to get one? 'Cause getting a tattoo risks my chances of being a doctor, so nevermind. :P BUUUT, if i really have to get one, i like the angel wings tattooed on my back, like the one kc montero has? Have you seen that? Uber cool :))

Are you mad about anything?
~I'm frustrated that I can't stop myself from being controlled by my grades :(

Are you listening to music?
~Uh-huh. The Graduation Song by Dave Matthews Band

Do you smoke weed everyday?
~Nope, haven't even tried.

Could you go a month without cursing?
~I don't think so. :|

Are you currently reading a book?
~Well I started reading South of the Border, West of the Sun by Murakami during my trip to Batangas a few hours ago.

Have you ever ridden a horse?
~Yeahhh, ages ago :| Those smelly horses in Tagaytay and Baguio.

What's the funniest movie you've ever seen?
~Superbad? I dunno, I laugh at anything eh even if it's not funny. O_O

Are you scared of sharks?
~Not really. Unless you have had an experience with them, I don't think you'd develop any fear against sharks. That's according to behaviorist perspective I think? :))

What are you wearing?
~Spaghetti-strapped night gown I've been wearing since grade school =))=))

Next president?
~I'm usually apathetic when it comes to politics, but I'd go for Roxas in case he'll run for president. Just cos I've had the chance to interview him before. Heehee.

Can you honestly say that things are running smoothly for you?
~For now yes, since I'm on sembreak mode, but after a month, it'll be back to academic turmoil. :-<

What's your view on taking risks?
~There are things such as measured risks, sometimes it's okay to take risks but if you know that they're not worth it, wag na lang. :P

Would you rather trade in your ipod or computer/laptop and every detail stored in it for 10,000 dollars?
~Give me first some time to transfer all my files before I say yes.

Does your heart come with a key, or is it already taken?
~I'm thinking. Cos a tita of mine once mentioned that we shouldn't keep our hearts locked with a key since it means we're "locking" ourselves up from oppurtunities. So, I have a heart with open doors. HAHAHAHA. Ang cheesy pota :|

How'd your day go, by the way?
~Oh it was fun. Surprised my parents today, cos they thought I'll be coming home on Saturday after finals, but surprise surprise. :)) And oh oh, my laptop's fixed! \:D/ It's unusually fasterrrrrr now. YAY.

Which do you prefer on your toast: butter, jelly, peanut butter, or Nutella?
~butter, lots and lots of butter.

Are you a Gatorade drinker?
~Okay lang, I like the blue one the most. Yucky yun orange, tastes like medicine.

You see a shooting star, do you make a wish?
~Opkors.

How do you handle your hair once you finished washing it?
~Part it, comb it 2 or 3 times, then let it dry on its own.

Do you have relatives living in a different country?
~Yes.

Do you turn on the lamp when it's bright out?
~Uhh no?

Have you ever been addicted to WoW or SC?
~ /:)

When it rains, do you go out and start to dance?
~When I was younger. The first rain of May daw was supposed to be good for the health? Labo I know. :))

What are you listening to right now?
~Cute Without the 'E' by Taking Back Sunday

Do you get carried away with things?
~Yeah, most of the time.

Which is better? Long or short hair?
Contrary to what most people think, short hair is harder to manage. :| Long hair siguro, but then it's too hot to maintain a long hair. For guys, clean cut's always better than long hair. :))

True or False? Goths are losers.
~False. They're just different, that's all. :P

What is the first thing or word that comes to mind when you hear the word EMO?
~Black.

Do you like roller coasters?
~Yes sir. Water rides are also cool.

Do you like high-boots?
~Nah, they don't fit the weather eh.

True or False? Smoking is completely stupid and disgusting.
~Erase completely, they are stupid and disgusting, but then again there are things which are far more stupid and disgusting.

How much do pop-ups suck?
~Very much =)) sorry, wala na ko maisip.

Are puppies cute?
~Cute to look at, but not to touch. :| I don't like pets sorry.

Pancakes are yummy, yes?
~Yes yes yes! Especially with lots of butter and syrup and sausaaaaaage. =P~

Your eye color is:
~Black? Or probably dark dark brown?

What is the meaning of life?
~Mmm, I'l return to this question later. :P

Is lying ok to do if it`s to help someone?
~There's such a thing as a white lie, so I think it's okay IF you're sure it will really really help.

Do you happen to be afraid of heights?
~Not really, I'm more afraid of chickens. "Flying" chickens/roosters are scary :-s

Is it a big deal if someone doesn`t believe in God?
~Belief is a choice, so you're not supposed to bother yourself knowing someone doesn't believe in God. Maybe that person believes in other things?

People who cut themselves are:
~lonely. :(

Do you happen to be bored?
~Yeah, obviously. =))

sembreaaaak

Finally, I’m done for the semester. Actually I’m two days early. My sembreak’s supposed to officially start on Saturday, but thanks to Sir Cuenca’s amazing math skills, I’m fuh-reeeeee. \:D/ I’m working on a really long post right now, but I want to make it a good one so I will be posting it soon. For now, let these pictures show how the latter part of the first semester went.

You can't actually see it, but my planner's been very busy as well. No gray areas (or at least I try to avoid them) for three months. :| And well aside from school shit, my days are usually spent going out with friends or sucking up with org work. HAHA. But it's actually cute seeing my planner and how colorful it has turned.

Bad girls :/ Ayaw makinig ni Pat sa physio lecture eh, look what happened, F for the 2nd LT. Ah well, thanks again Sir Cuenca! You know we love you. And just so you know, that lecture was really really really boring. If I remember it right, he was talking about menstrual cycle and how much sperm is secreted during ejaculation. :O Or maybe not.

We didn't have tickets okay. So we had no choice but to watch on TV, or in this case, on a huge LCD projector at the Blue Eagle Gym. It was surprisingly fun though, cos all the while I thought watching the game on TV compared to watching it live was so lame. Well, it was not as exciting, BUT with a crowd like that, it was okay. Besides, WE WON!!! And I have a championship shirt (thank you dar and nikka!) to prove it.

These were the drinks that gave me that stupid allergy. Well, i only had one glass, i just took a picture of all of them together because i think they look cute in their different colors. :)) Drinking is actually kind of nice. *stops and shrieks with that realization* Only because it makes you feel happy, light and lightheaded. And it's true, it does make you more talkative. Like you actually don't care about what you're saying. Funny funny. Or maybe those are all just part of the placebo effect? Mmm, I dunno, but I wish I don't have this allergy against alcohol cos no one likes seeing her skin turn red and itchy. And I don't like seeing my whole face turn red and my eyes bloodshut.

Despite of the quicksand looking Bel field and my precious purple shoes turning brown, the victory bonfire was fun. Period. No wait, I actually overestimated the event. I thought I'd have a great time, but my friends and I ended up walking around trying to find a spot that's not too muddy. After getting tired of standing and drooling over the athletes, we sat for the rest of the night. Sushi pulubi. =)) Dahil tamad kami at wala nang pera, we sort of stole this platter of sushi and 3/4 bottle of pepsi from other people's table. They left already and sayang naman yung food di ba? And oh, some kid left a stick of pork barbecue... you know what we did with it. =))=))=)) But we're fiiiine, strong intestines eh. HAHA.

letter to a young activist

Do not depend on the hope of results. When you are doing the sort of work you have taken on, essentially an apostolic work, you may have to face the fact that your work will be apparently worthless and even achieve no result at all, if not perhaps results opposite to what you expect. As you get used to this idea, you start more and more to concentrate not on the results but on the value, of the work itself. And there, too, a great deal has to be gone through, as gradually you struggle less and less for an idea and more and more for specific people. The range tends to narrow down, but it gets much more real. In the end it is the reality of personal relationships that saves everything.
You are fed up with words, I don’t blame you. I am nauseated by them sometimes. I am also, to tell the truth, nauseated by ideal and with causes. This sounds like heresy, but I think you will understand what I mean. It is so easy to get engrossed with ideas and slogans and myths that in the end one is left holding the bag, empty, with no trace of meaning left in it. And then the temptation is to yell louder than ever in order to make the meaning be there again by magic. Going through this kind of reaction helps you to guard against this. Your system is complaining of too much verbalizing, and it is right.
… the big results are not in your hands or mine, but they suddenly happen, and we can share in them; but there is no point in building our lives on this personal satisfaction, which may be denied us and which after all is not that important.
The next step in the process is for you to see that your own thinking about what you are doing is crucially important. You are probably striving to build yourself and identity in your own work, out of your work and your witness. You are using it, so to speak, to protect yourself against nothingness, annihilation. That is not right use of your work. All the good that you will do will come not from you but from the fact that you have allowed yourself, in the obedience of faith, to be used by God’s love. think of this more and gradually you will be free from the need to prove yourself, and you can be more open to the power that will work through you without you knowing it.
The great thing after all is to live, not to pour out your life in the service of a myth; and we turn the best things into myths. If you can get free from the domination of causes and just serve Christ’s truth, you will be able to do more and will be less crushed by the inevitable disappointments. Because I see nothing whatever in sight but much disappointment, frustration and confusion.
The real hope, then, is not in something, we think we can do, but in God who is making something good out of it in some way we cannot see. If we can do His will, we will be helping in this process. But we will not necessarily know all about it beforehand…
Enough of this… it is at least a gesture… I will keep you in my prayers.

All the best in Christ,

TOM

For our last physio lecture, Sir Cuenca gave us this handout. He told us that it was okay for us to throw away all our previous readings, except for this one. It was given to him by one of his professors and he has kept this handout for 16 years and still counting. Let it remind us of why we are here and of what should keep us striving. Good read! :)

when angels lead you in

I LOVE THIS DAY. ^_^ After two weeks of endless stress and depression, finally, God answered my prayers. Thank you thank you God. >:D<

Thank you for waking me up early to attend the 7AM mass.
Thank you for the free cut in Chinese.
Thank you for the Psy101 exemption. WHOOOOO.
Thank you for a good Monday weather. No rain! Did you notice?
Thank you for my new Chinese dictionary.
Thank you for treating my allergy.
And thank you for my McDo dinner. (okay, i'm just so happy i wanna thank God for everything)

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a great week this week and hopefully till finals week.

hodgepodge

I promise not to drink ever again, unless I want to end up having another allergy attack. :( I swear, last Friday was my first time to drink after I dunno, 3 years? And I didn't even get drunk. Dizzy, red hot, groggy, yes, but definitely not drunk. And who would have thought I was allergic to alcohol, or to whatever was in that drink I had? :-<

I'm sorry mom, an insect didn't bite me, it was alcohol that brought about these allergies. Please please make it stop, I don't want to go to school scratching my shoulders all day.

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Okay, so it's almost 11PM over here and I am so not yet done with physio LT. Ohnoes. *slapslapslap* I have to stay awake, I have to finish everything tonight or tomorrow morning. Wish me luck.

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I was a point away, ONE FRIGGIN POINT away from an A in lab. :(( I want to get an A in Chem Lab in order to pull up my C standing in lecture. I need this, I want this. I will study for it on Monday (hopefully).

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Bonfire na on Tuesday night! :D :D :D And I dunno, I am seriously excited for this one. I don't even know what's going to happen, but still I am excited. Probably because I feel like the Bonfire would be sort of an end of the year party for everyone. YAAAY, free food. :D

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I want to eat Chinese. Wala lang, I've been eating everything I see and right now, I'm craving for the things I don't see... Chinese food! I want I want.

truth or truth?

Sometimes, the simplest questions are those that are hardest to answer. And those simple-questions-hard-answers are the ones that are most difficult to accept. And you don’t realize the depth of the questions or the impact of the questions unless they are asked. Otherwise, you don’t think about the things being asked. You forever play naïve to the things you thought don’t exist or refuse to accept the existence of.

I run away from these thoughts, these questions. I repress them as much as I can, but when people fire these thoughts to me, I am more often than not caught off guard. I think of an answer, you know just to satisfy the one asking me the question and then hours later, I still think about those life-changing questions and realize I’ve said the wrong answer. My instincts are not very reliable; they tend to falter almost immediately after I say them.

sucky week

I don't like this week, I don't like it at all.

In spite of the nights without homework or exams the next day that I have been having for the whole week, I can't find a reason to be happy about them. Almost every night, I find myself thinking real hard, contemplating why I've been feeling so down. During the day, I'd be my normal self, but come night time, I'd be like this. Did you ever experience crying for no reason at all? I mean, probably you're crying because of something, but you just can't figure out what that something is. It's been like that for three nights, and I don't find it good at all. It would've been better if I had been feeling depressed for a reason, but I just can't pull out the strings. I hate feeling like this. Nobody likes it anyway. Gaaaah.

i had this homework for physiology wherein we were asked to write a reflection paper about a certain movie. the homework was announced a week before the submission. and i'm usually the type of person who does her homework immediately after it has been announced. but what do you know, night before the submission and i still haven't started on it, not a single phrase for my reflection paper. i ended up cramming for it the entire night until past 2 in the morning that i ended up oversleeping, enough for me to miss yoga. anyway, this happened again the other night for another paper to be written for general psych. no work done days ahead => cram night before => oversleeping for the next day.

i'm not like this really. maybe it's because i've just been too tired with more important school work or org work that i often run out of energy to do other homework. or maybe i've been too preoccupied with the not so important things. i find it hard now to distinguish which one's more important than the other, 'cause now, everything seems vital to me. kind of screwed, i know. or maybe the muse has left. maybe whatever's left of the creative juices i once had has emptied out. i refuse to believe that i can't write a decent reflection paper anymore. i mean, writing has been the only thing that i have practiced. it's the only skill i'm willing enough to share to other people. and for my muse to wear off would mean losing something very very big. i want to continue writing.i want to my thoughts to flow easily and freely as i type them out. but wear-and-tear theory says that overusing something for so long would cause this something to eventually tear off and die. :-< i'd be helpless when that time comes. i don't know where i would find myself when that day when i can no longer write anything comes. i'm not even good at it, and to lose it would even make this life more miserable. *breathes and realizes the exaggeration of the problem*

i was thinking of a way to connect my writing to my helplessness then to other people's helplessness, but it's taking too long so lemme just jump right to it. my psychology professor tells us that each one of us has this instinct or urge to be involved with everything, to help other people when the situation calls for it. it's like we all want to be the good samaritan to everyone, but then bystander effect hinders us from doing so.we know we all want to help someone in need, but then if we realize that there are people whom we thought can also help this person in need, we tend to pass that responsibility of helping to those other helpful people. so i question myself, what am i supposed to do if there are these specific people who i want to help, but then restrain myself from doing so simply because i feel like they don't want to be helped? does my psych prof's theory support that thought? i mean, here i am, being the warmhearted person that i am, offering my help to someone whom i feel refuses to be helped. that's indirect rejection we have right there. who is the one being helpless? and why do people refuse or reject help when any form of helping (or involvement for that matter) can never be a bad thing? should that cause me to stop helping and let these people be? what about guilt?

i think it would be best if we don't refuse at all.^_^ offering help => no rejection => no guilt from rejection => happy people. now that's not such a bad thing right?

these things

In today’s NSTP processing session, a groupmate shared a story on how different the phrase “to live” meant for animals and for humans. He said when animals “say” to live, they pertain to breathing, eating, and sleeping. But when humans speak of to live, we talk of things other than our basic needs. We talk about the things that make us alive. These are the things that help us live, things that keep us alive, things that give life to us. And what are these things? To realize the things that help us to live is a purely subjective and personal notion. What makes me alive may probably be different from what makes another individual alive. Nonetheless, I contemplated real hard on the things that give me a rush, on the things that ask me to live.

To give back
As part of our processing session, we were asked on how we consider NSTP. Courtesy bias aside, I said it was a channel of helping me realize that there exists two different worlds and that one of the two worlds is not as privileged as the other. Belonging in the more blessed group, I have the opportunity to realize this and later on do something about it, to make a difference. NSTP gives us the chance to try remolding the triangle we all live in because we can convert this triangle into a square where in two different worlds no longer exist. Spending my Saturday mornings in Montalban is a way for me to try and give back whatever I have been receiving to those kids. And to realize that I am actually accomplishing this goal of giving back gives me that fuzzy feeling that I am actually helping.

To remember
When I say remember, I like to point out on the littlest things, those details that most people usually forget. Like the last time someone sent you a hug emoticon? Or the number of times your crush said your name? Or maybe the color of his or her shirt when he or she met you? These are things we tend to forget since they don’t seem to be very important when in fact, for me, these may be the details that really matter. ‘Cause it’s when we remember these tiny bits that we recall how important a particular moment was since a big important picture starts with small seemingly unimportant pictures right? Getting my drift? I’m thinking that if we can remember even the tiniest detail of things, it just proves how important that particular something may be.

To feel your heart jumping
Every morning I pray that I hope to have a reason for my heart to jump or for my heartbeat to stop even for a millisecond. When does this actually happen? Mmm, when I get excited for something? When I get surprises? When something unexpected comes my way? When I hear a good story or a good joke? Usually those things, no matter how small, which seem to make my day a little better. It’s good to know that sometimes, things find their way into me and just make me feel a lot better when I needed something to pick me up.

To love and learn
HAHAHA. This is getting really cheesy, but oh well let’s continue. They say you don’t look for love, it finds you. Now this reminds me of the sacrament of waiting; we wait for love to happen because something can only be considered true love if it can wait. However, in case love fails, our only fallback is that we’ve learned. We learn the things we’re supposed to do and the things we’re not supposed to say or do next time. And besides, love is not always a romantic entity. Love is when you remember to say good morning to your parents. Love is when you listen to your friend’s problems. Love is when you take the initiative to share your umbrella. Love is when you give random hugs to people, hoping they’d appreciate the gesture.

To accept failure
Failure is like pain, you wouldn’t know it’s important unless you feel it. And knowing that it is important helps you realize that it is something you actually need in your life, something that makes you live. And I know to realize is hard enough for anyone to take in, what more in accepting it. Wouldn’t it be worse if we were to live a life without mistakes? We wouldn’t know if what we are doing is right or wrong since we’d be thinking we are right all the time, and we all know that’s not always right. It’s a matter of balance of successes and failures; whatever we fail to achieve equals to us gaining more than we have lost.

When humans live, they do so not only to survive but also to realize that we live not only for ourselves.

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Oops, I didn’t foresee I’d be writing a long one tonight. Maybe I just missed writing about the cheesy things instead of ranting about school-related stress.

on a monday

Today is Monday and in two days it will be Wednesday. I can't wait for Wednesday. Wednesday will be freeeeeedom. Wednesday will be a great day. Wednesday is my happy day. Wednesday will feel like Friday, only it's Wednesday and not Friday.

But today is still just Monday. Two more days. It'll soon be over, and I thought it won't but it is. And I'm excited for it.

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The "ber" months have started. I can smell Christmas already. =)) =)) =))

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Never in my life have I not prepared for a long exam until now. Slapslapslap, and it's still not working. My body is refusing to take anymore Physio thoughts. It wants food, vacation and anything not related to the brain. It wants sleep. And yeah, I think I want sleep too.