prodigal child i am not

Good morning July 27. Because sleep hasn't come yet, and because I think my mind's too tired to start studying for my general psychology long exam, let me steal some of my time contemplating on how bad of a daughter i was being a few hours ago.

I feel so bad, I want to slap myself for even thinking what I was thinking a few hours ago. It was unacceptable, it was insensitive, and yet it can be comparable to me. :-< So okay, it started with a phone call telling me they'd be coming here in qc tomorrow afternoon. Trying to calm myself even if deep down I wanted to shout, I replied on the phone, 'Okay, kayo bahala.' and in a very cold manner for that matter. You see, my schedule's like this right now: Weekdays are for weekday events including school and after school activities; Saturdays are spent pleasing God by NSTP and Kythe, which are both by the way not thought of as hassle to my schedule; and Sundays are spent studying and taking one-hour breaks going to mass (yay, 3 Sundays straight already). But after that call, my schedule has been screwed. Okay, so I finished postlab report earlier than expected, but still the schedule must be followed. How am I suppose to study for psych now that probably 5 or 6 hours of study time would possibly be spent touring them around somewehere? I want to study. I want to ace that long exam on Monday.

See see, I'm such an ungrateful child right? My parents are going out of their way just to drive to qc to visit me and here I am, complaining that they're coming. Gaaah, so out with the negative and in with the positive. Isipin na lang, it will be 5 or 6 hours wasted on shopping and spending quality time with them. Great. :)

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Random: I'm hoping the book sale in de la costa's still there till next week, 'cause I'm planning to reward myself with a new book if I get a high grade in one of my exams. Probably a Murakami or a Nick Hornby book, isa lang okay.

defective hippocampus

I just realized that I left my PE bag along with my slippers and vanity kit inside my locker. How can I possibly forget? Hmm, lemme see.

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I woke up today before 6AM, that’s 3 and a half hours of sleep to you. I actually can’t remember if I fell asleep at 11PM or 1AM, all I know is there’s a number “one” in my digital clock when I took a last look of the time before lying down on my bed. For the past weeks, I haven’t been very good with managing my time that I end up sleeping really really late then waking up 3 or 4 hours later, primarily because of crammed lab reports, readings, notes and other non-academic activities. I miss my 8 hours of sleep. :-<

The weather’s like chemistry lab, it’s just two units, but then this petty two-unit subject ends up frustrating you and subconsciously forces you to focus on it instead of the more important subjects. I mean, the weather’s there. You actually can’t do anything about it, but still you try not minding until you end up getting angry ‘cause it’s just too hot and irritating not to think about the sticky feeling you get from the weather.

Pain is important, so says my physiology professor who by the way is a professor and at the same an anesthesiologist. Have I mentioned this before already? I just find it very philosophical, to think it’s coming from a class which enjoys talking about the names of cranial nerves and the muscles in the hand. My prof said, pain must be present because if not, we would not know which are the parts that need to be fixed, or to be healed for that matter.

something for me

It's nice to know that you're being constantly reminded of the things you have to be thankful for. You realize there's no reason to be sad after all, no reason to turn your back on Him. 'Cause even if you're not destined to have everything, it's relieving to understand that there are things you deserve to have or meant to achieve. I mean, God's not that evil to give you nothing and everything at the same time right?

i can't even come up with a reason to explain

It’s that time of the year when almost everyone feels sad, defeated, lost, melancholic, nervous, and generally jaded. It seems like we’ve run out of our happiness pill supply, almost all at the same time. Why so? Because I’ve been reading a handful of blog entries expressing this common feeling that I, too, am experiencing. But then again, maybe this is just a season, just a phase, just a moment. What if it’s not? What if it continues to be a lingering memory, permanently empowering all of us?

life of post-it's and arranged marriages

Let me tell you something about love – love for the other, and love for the rest. Throughout the years of this pursuit to figure out what’s out there for me and to wait if there is something or someone out there for me, there are those periods when you just want to give up on it, when you just want to not think about it, and when you regret ever realizing that someday you have to end up with someone, thus unconsciously forcing yourself to begin the pursuit of finding this someone. But disregarding those times of no longer wanting to be loved by the other, there are more hours and days that you wished and prayed really hard that today is the day you’d meet that person. You dress up everyday, try to look your best in the hope that someone will take a double look at you and then you silently whisper in your mind “Ha! This is finally the day.” But the thing is, how many days have you experienced that moment? How many times have you told yourself that this is the day you are bound to meet the other? How can you actually tell that this person passing by and looking at you would be the person you are bound to end up with in the end? How can you measure the probability that things will work out, that things would never end?

If everyone’s bound to love someone and be loved in return, why does God prefer to make things complicated for us? I often wish that arranged marriages was a rule written in stone, so that each one of us is sure to have someone beside us, to eat with us, to raise a family with us, and eventually join us in forever-dom. If all of us were arranged by our ancestors to marry someone, we wouldn’t have to go through all the fuss of searching for other people since the other is there already, sure and steady. And according to my psychology professor, arranged marriages are more effective than those “true love” ones. Couples who are arranged have a greater chance of surviving the marriage compared to those couples who thought they were in love with each other. Now wouldn’t be happier and a whole lot easier for everyone? Nobody’s going to end up alone and miserable. That, for me, should be the main goal of life. To live a life without misery. Why live if you are bound to end up miserable anyway? This may sound vague now, but I know as soon as I start reaching my 20’s and later on (hopefully not) experience a quarter-life crisis, I should remember that I said this, that I promised myself I would be a happier person as soon as that time comes. But for now, let me suck all the misery life has to give. This is, of course, exaggerated.

And if arranged marriage doesn’t work or isn’t clear enough, why can’t life include post-it’s or labels to remind you if it’s good meat or bad meat. This is too absurd I know, but if you think about it, you’d realize how efficient it would be if people had post-it’s invisibly wrapped around them and are visible only to those who are looking at them. Like if you’re in the library, you go sit in the middle of the study area and look around for people of your opposite or same sex and “see” their labels. One says “bad meat” or “good for 3 months only” or “don’t even think about it” or “he/she will just break your heart”, now wouldn’t that be easier? And then there’d be this golden post-it that reads “the other”. Surely, this wouldn’t be an easy task to accomplish, as you’ve seen in the film Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. But what makes labels easier is not making you risk a big chunk of yourself on something you’re unsure of. The other is there, a moving target you are supposed to search for, or may also be the other way around. But the more important point is, there is a target, there is a the other. And if God’s so good, He wouldn’t make us wait so long to discover the other.

Okay, time to work.

am i living it right?

I want to talk about my dreams. I want to talk about my sentiments over stoichiometry and incompetent chemistry professors. I want to talk about my problems on school, love, decisions and goals. But I can’t.