Peyton Sawyer once said, “People always leave,” and sadly she was right about what she said.
I kept telling myself how much I enjoy doing things on my own, but honestly, I realized it’s no fun to eat by myself or stroll around the mall alone. I kept on fooling myself that to walk alone is the best thing that I’ve ever experienced. But in the end, it is also during these times when I do not have anyone to talk to or share food with that I feel how miserable my life would be if it were like this all the time. But then again, to proclaim that I enjoy being a loner is probably a projection of how I really feel inside. Perhaps I would rather choose to believe that I do not want to be with other people rather than to hang on for company that I know would later on leave. As much as I hate goodbyes, it breaks my heart to see people leave without even turning back to wave their final goodbyes.
This semester marks the end of a lot of things, an ending to my freshman year, an ending to my English block, and more things in between. I realized only this morning while I was tuning out inside the chapel that for an entire year I have been going in and out of the chapel and have unconsciously finished the whole school year. But sadly, the ending of the school year didn’t feel as exciting as I thought it would be. I imagined block parties, outings and end of the year celebrations, but none of these things happened. It seemed to me that this is probably how college really is, being independent and living in your little world. People don’t have time to think about you, it’s just you and whatever you have inside your head. I was so used with last day gimiks I often had during high school, and now that I’m in college, not even a bit of the memory was reborn.
But despite of this sad realization, I actually don’t blame anyone. Again, people always leave. I can’t stop my friends or my blockmates from doing what they want to go, right? Or go where they wish to go. Also, they don’t hold any responsibility of having a party with the whole class. In college, I figured, it’s alright not to care. Reality bites, but that’s how it goes. No matter how painful it is to see our block slowly drifting apart, I cannot do anything to get hold of them and gather them all together. I feel that as soon as summer classes start, we’d all be waving hi’s and hello’s but not stopping to talk with each other. It may be different this time.
***
Tomorrow (or I meant today) my English block will have our final lit play. To be frank, I have been waiting for people to stand up and suggest that we go out and celebrate after the play. But nobody did. After today, we will no longer be seeing each other thrice a week and have something common to talk about. My English and Lit Block list in YM will be senseless after the play. God knows, we might even start ignoring each other and pretending we weren’t blockmates for a year. Even if I wasn’t able to know all of them well, I’m going to miss everyone. And I hope that as we leave CTC206, we would not leave whatever we have shared within the four walls of that room.
***
On the first of April, a close friend will be migrating to Canada. And on the day before that, I’m leaving also. So that’s why I wanted that even before we both leave, I will be able to do something special for her. I’ve known her for more than four years but it was only during the last two years when I got the chance to get to know her better and to love her more. And to realize that in less than a week, she would be leaving and possibly may not be coming back is really really disheartening. I don’t want her to go, but I know my selfish want would not do her any good. I will miss her, we all will.
***
Why do people get sad when others leave? Because they fear that those who leave would never come back. No matter how hard I try to hold on to the memories I have shared with the people who are special to me, I know that by the end of the day, we all have to go separate ways. And nobody can stop us from doing so.
People always leave in order to go different directions, but sometimes these directions can take them back to where they have started or have left off. And maybe, just maybe, they can come back to those that they have left behind.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Monday, March 17, 2008
comment deleted...
i hate multiply. :((
yet another post i shall further explain soon. i just wanted to remember this night. blaaaah.
yet another post i shall further explain soon. i just wanted to remember this night. blaaaah.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Friday, March 14, 2008
just a minute
STOP THE ACADEMIC TORTURE! :
and save cantor's giant soft shells instead. hahaha. sabaaaaw.
and save cantor's giant soft shells instead. hahaha. sabaaaaw.
Happy Birthday Jenn! Good times :)
will edit soon, soon, soon.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
memory of her
Okay, this is the third attempt of writing a sensible blog entry. The first two were blah. I don’t even know what I was writing about. My mind’s busy thinking of a nice introduction for my reflection paper for English. This will be the last paper I have to write for English forever. Wow, I was actually surprised that after so many years of studying English or Language or Reading, I am down to my last paper. Surprising, I realized that note just now, while writing this post. Wow. *still trying to register the thought to my mind* Anyway, I have the brightest of all bright ideas for my reflection paper. Since it’s a reflection paper, it’s most likely a personal essay on a specific event in my life. I actually have an event already, and I don’t really understand why I chose this event. It never slipped my mind to write about the topic until I was writing down different events in my life during the weekend.
I decided to write about my lola’s Alzheimer’s disease. I didn’t really understand what Alzheimer’s was before since she was diagnosed of it 8 or 9 years ago and I was really young then. All I knew was it affects a person’s mind and forces you to think like a child and to confuse the names of your grandchildren. Remember the McDo commercial on the lolo confusing the name of Gina and Karen? I think the poor old man was diagnosed of the same disease as my lola. So during that time, it was as simple as that. I even thought that kind of disease would wear off like a fever or colds. But it never did. After another 8 years, my lola passed away. She never gained back her strength or her present memory. All she remembered was the people in her past, excluding my lolo or her children. Until she died, all she talked about was the imaginary dogs not being fed or the virtual children playing in front of her. It’s sad to see her doing things which do not appear normal to children like me. What’s even worse is that I cannot do anything but look at her and even pity her condition. I was too young then, I couldn’t understand why she had to wear diapers or why my aunt had to bathe her and dress her up. And it’s only now that I realized that I could’ve done something for her other than avoid her and somehow feel embarrassed of her condition.
And then I thought of my own mother. What if she grows old like that as well? I don’t know if I can look at her the same way I do now. I don’t want to see her feeling handicapped and helpless. I don’t want her old friends to see her and pity her (when I know that behind my mom’s back, they’d be mocking her condition). But most of all, I don’t want to do nothing. I don’t want to waste another chance to do something for the people that I love. I don’t want a memory of me to be erased from them permanently.
I hope I can finish this last paper I have for English and then offer it to my lola. Probably, this paper would reach her and she'd know how regretful I am. I love you nanay meding. :)
I decided to write about my lola’s Alzheimer’s disease. I didn’t really understand what Alzheimer’s was before since she was diagnosed of it 8 or 9 years ago and I was really young then. All I knew was it affects a person’s mind and forces you to think like a child and to confuse the names of your grandchildren. Remember the McDo commercial on the lolo confusing the name of Gina and Karen? I think the poor old man was diagnosed of the same disease as my lola. So during that time, it was as simple as that. I even thought that kind of disease would wear off like a fever or colds. But it never did. After another 8 years, my lola passed away. She never gained back her strength or her present memory. All she remembered was the people in her past, excluding my lolo or her children. Until she died, all she talked about was the imaginary dogs not being fed or the virtual children playing in front of her. It’s sad to see her doing things which do not appear normal to children like me. What’s even worse is that I cannot do anything but look at her and even pity her condition. I was too young then, I couldn’t understand why she had to wear diapers or why my aunt had to bathe her and dress her up. And it’s only now that I realized that I could’ve done something for her other than avoid her and somehow feel embarrassed of her condition.
And then I thought of my own mother. What if she grows old like that as well? I don’t know if I can look at her the same way I do now. I don’t want to see her feeling handicapped and helpless. I don’t want her old friends to see her and pity her (when I know that behind my mom’s back, they’d be mocking her condition). But most of all, I don’t want to do nothing. I don’t want to waste another chance to do something for the people that I love. I don’t want a memory of me to be erased from them permanently.
I hope I can finish this last paper I have for English and then offer it to my lola. Probably, this paper would reach her and she'd know how regretful I am. I love you nanay meding. :)
Monday, March 10, 2008
17 signs you like someone ;))
i actually have a lot of stuff to do right now, but chose to waste a few minutes giggling over this post. :)) :)) lame really.
HOW TO KNOW IF YOU DO LIKE SOMEONE!
SEVENTEEN:
You look at their profile constantly.
SIXTEEN:
When you're on the phone with them late at night and they hang up, you still miss them even when it was just two minutes ago.
FIFTEEN:
You read their Texts and Ims Over and over again.
FOURTEEN:
You walk really slow when you're with them.
THIRTEEN:
You feel shy whenever they're around.
ELEVEN:
When you think about them, your heart beats faster but slower at the same time.
TEN:
You smile when you hear their voice.
NINE:
When you look at them, you can't see the other people around you, you just see him/her.
EIGHT:
You start listening to slow songs while thinking about them.
SEVEN:
They're all you think about.
SIX:
You get high just from their scent.
FIVE:
You realize you're always smiling when you're looking at them.
FOUR:
You would do anything for them, just to see them.
THREE:
While reading this, there was one person on your mind this whole time.
TWO:
You were so busy thinking about that person, you didnt notice number twelve was missing
ONE:
You just scrolled up to check & are now silently laughing at yourself.
NOW MAKE A WISH. YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO
*
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*****
******
*******
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*******
******
*****
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*******
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*****
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Post this as : 17 signs you like someone
*And something good will happen to you tomorrow .
*If you don't... you'll certainly regret
HOW TO KNOW IF YOU DO LIKE SOMEONE!
SEVENTEEN:
You look at their profile constantly.
SIXTEEN:
When you're on the phone with them late at night and they hang up, you still miss them even when it was just two minutes ago.
FIFTEEN:
You read their Texts and Ims Over and over again.
FOURTEEN:
You walk really slow when you're with them.
THIRTEEN:
You feel shy whenever they're around.
ELEVEN:
When you think about them, your heart beats faster but slower at the same time.
TEN:
You smile when you hear their voice.
NINE:
When you look at them, you can't see the other people around you, you just see him/her.
EIGHT:
You start listening to slow songs while thinking about them.
SEVEN:
They're all you think about.
SIX:
You get high just from their scent.
FIVE:
You realize you're always smiling when you're looking at them.
FOUR:
You would do anything for them, just to see them.
THREE:
While reading this, there was one person on your mind this whole time.
TWO:
You were so busy thinking about that person, you didnt notice number twelve was missing
ONE:
You just scrolled up to check & are now silently laughing at yourself.
NOW MAKE A WISH. YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO
*
**
***
****
*****
******
*******
********
*********
********
*******
******
*****
****
***
**
*
*
**
***
****
*****
******
*******
********
*********
********
*******
******
*****
****
***
**
*
**
***
****
*****
******
*******
********
*********
********
*******
******
*****
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Post this as : 17 signs you like someone
*And something good will happen to you tomorrow .
*If you don't... you'll certainly regret
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
finding strength
Apparently my day hasn’t gone any better. I woke up late today, enough for me to miss the start of the 7AM mass and to skip breakfast as well. This is the second time I woke up late, and I don’t know why. Trivia: I hate it when I wake up late, I become so paranoid that I start to think that if my day started awfully, it will affect the rest of the day or week. I’m weird that way. So I walked to school since no trike wanted to take me due to the 7AM traffic in Katipunan. So the day goes on, math was boring, zoology LT was sabaw (screw those worms and their worthless lives!) and zoology lab was seriously depressing. Apart from seeing our poor frog’s organs and letting him be abused by us, the main depression agent for today was receiving my long test results. Another trivia: low grades really make me sad, and I am serious when I say sad. I grew up being so grade conscious that even a quiz, more so a long exam depresses me so much. I feel so down, I get angry with the rest of the world and I just easily lose all my energy for anything else.
After my last class, I accompanied a friend to see her old friend. Last December, Joey Carlos died from a car accident. Until now, most people, especially those who are very much dear to Joey still hold this sadness Joey’s death brings. My friend wanted to reintroduce me to Joey so I walked with her to the High School soccer field. While I sat beside her by the goal post where Joey seemed to have appeared, I felt how depressed she was by his death. And I felt ashamed. Earlier I was whining over some stupid exam and some stupid alarm clock while my friend lost someone she loves. She has bigger problems than I do and yet, she’s brave enough to carry all these every single day. She told me if I didn’t accompany her today to see Joey, she would have gone there alone and would cry all over again. I wanted to tell her that if I went home earlier, I would have done the same. Cry over a stupid exam and seemingly bad day. You see, we both have problems of our own, but what makes it different is how superficial I get about things and not realize that there are people who have to endure the pain of living each day when they know death or loss is hanging by their shoulders. I’m thankful for people who can somehow give me strength and help me realize things I know I should have come to know years ago.
My mom asked me to search for today’s gospel in the net. Ironically, I go to church most of the time but don’t really understand what the readings say. It’s like I just love the feeling of sitting there and feeling the ambiance of the place, but not necessarily there to hear God’s word. So I found the gospel in the internet and realized some things. This realization is by the way due to the favor my mom asked me to – to come up with a homily for the gospel. Regardless of the day or the situation, people should learn how to help others. I mean, so what if it’s a Sabbath or so what if I have a long exam to study for or a news feature to write, if spending time to be with others would mean so much to them, why not give it?
God really has his own ways of making people discover something they have not known or have forgotten. I am thankful enough to know that in a way, God never forgets about me or he remembers to keep me reminded.
Holy Gospel of Jesus Christ according to Saint John 5,1-3.5-16.
After this, there was a feast of the Jews, and Jesus went up to Jerusalem.
Now there is in Jerusalem at the Sheep (Gate) a pool called in Hebrew Bethesda, with five porticoes.
In these lay a large number of ill, blind, lame, and crippled.
One man was there who had been ill for thirty-eight years.
When Jesus saw him lying there and knew that he had been ill for a long time, he said to him, "Do you want to be well?"
The sick man answered him, "Sir, I have no one to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up; while I am on my way, someone else gets down there before me."
Jesus said to him, "Rise, take up your mat, and walk."
Immediately the man became well, took up his mat, and walked. Now that day was a sabbath.
So the Jews said to the man who was cured, "It is the sabbath, and it is not lawful for you to carry your mat."
He answered them, "The man who made me well told me, 'Take up your mat and walk.'"
They asked him, "Who is the man who told you, 'Take it up and walk'?"
The man who was healed did not know who it was, for Jesus had slipped away, since there was a crowd there.
After this Jesus found him in the temple area and said to him, "Look, you are well; do not sin any more, so that nothing worse may happen to you."
The man went and told the Jews that Jesus was the one who had made him well.
Therefore, the Jews began to persecute Jesus because he did this on a sabbath.
After my last class, I accompanied a friend to see her old friend. Last December, Joey Carlos died from a car accident. Until now, most people, especially those who are very much dear to Joey still hold this sadness Joey’s death brings. My friend wanted to reintroduce me to Joey so I walked with her to the High School soccer field. While I sat beside her by the goal post where Joey seemed to have appeared, I felt how depressed she was by his death. And I felt ashamed. Earlier I was whining over some stupid exam and some stupid alarm clock while my friend lost someone she loves. She has bigger problems than I do and yet, she’s brave enough to carry all these every single day. She told me if I didn’t accompany her today to see Joey, she would have gone there alone and would cry all over again. I wanted to tell her that if I went home earlier, I would have done the same. Cry over a stupid exam and seemingly bad day. You see, we both have problems of our own, but what makes it different is how superficial I get about things and not realize that there are people who have to endure the pain of living each day when they know death or loss is hanging by their shoulders. I’m thankful for people who can somehow give me strength and help me realize things I know I should have come to know years ago.
My mom asked me to search for today’s gospel in the net. Ironically, I go to church most of the time but don’t really understand what the readings say. It’s like I just love the feeling of sitting there and feeling the ambiance of the place, but not necessarily there to hear God’s word. So I found the gospel in the internet and realized some things. This realization is by the way due to the favor my mom asked me to – to come up with a homily for the gospel. Regardless of the day or the situation, people should learn how to help others. I mean, so what if it’s a Sabbath or so what if I have a long exam to study for or a news feature to write, if spending time to be with others would mean so much to them, why not give it?
God really has his own ways of making people discover something they have not known or have forgotten. I am thankful enough to know that in a way, God never forgets about me or he remembers to keep me reminded.
Holy Gospel of Jesus Christ according to Saint John 5,1-3.5-16.
After this, there was a feast of the Jews, and Jesus went up to Jerusalem.
Now there is in Jerusalem at the Sheep (Gate) a pool called in Hebrew Bethesda, with five porticoes.
In these lay a large number of ill, blind, lame, and crippled.
One man was there who had been ill for thirty-eight years.
When Jesus saw him lying there and knew that he had been ill for a long time, he said to him, "Do you want to be well?"
The sick man answered him, "Sir, I have no one to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up; while I am on my way, someone else gets down there before me."
Jesus said to him, "Rise, take up your mat, and walk."
Immediately the man became well, took up his mat, and walked. Now that day was a sabbath.
So the Jews said to the man who was cured, "It is the sabbath, and it is not lawful for you to carry your mat."
He answered them, "The man who made me well told me, 'Take up your mat and walk.'"
They asked him, "Who is the man who told you, 'Take it up and walk'?"
The man who was healed did not know who it was, for Jesus had slipped away, since there was a crowd there.
After this Jesus found him in the temple area and said to him, "Look, you are well; do not sin any more, so that nothing worse may happen to you."
The man went and told the Jews that Jesus was the one who had made him well.
Therefore, the Jews began to persecute Jesus because he did this on a sabbath.
Monday, March 03, 2008
i am blaming the rain again
I feel so unhappy right now.
I was walking with my blockmates earlier and I opened a topic about my other blockmate who will be celebrating her 18th birthday by the end of the month. So we started thinking of plans for her surprise party with pretty dresses and party related things. And after we talked I bid them goodbye since I had to drop by the chapel before going home. While I was alone in the chapel, I felt depressed and nostalgic. I can’t remember but there was something in the weather and the time of day that made me remember something in the past, I just couldn’t figure out what it exactly is. And for some weird reason, I began to cry. I was thinking about my mom, she texted me earlier today saying her legs hurt and that she wasn’t feeling well. I prayed to God asking Him to help her and to keep her away from harm. I prayed so hard and asked God to help my family. It felt like I was beginning to lose them and to pray long and hard would stop them from leaving me. I stayed inside longer since the rain hasn’t stopped yet, and the more time I spend inside that chapel, the more I felt depressed and weary.
I remembered my conversation with my blockmates earlier and about the surprise birthday parties. Self-pity got the worst of me and I began to worry about my own birthday. I know it’s selfish of me to think of my own birthday when there are other people who deserve more special birthdays than I ever will. But I am honestly an insecure person. I wonder how many people wrote in their planners or in their calendars when my birthday is. And if they would remember my birthday and try to find a way to greet me or make my day special; I never actually received any surprises from people that I love, so I don’t know how it feels to be surprised. Sure I know how it feels to surprise other people or think of a good idea to surprise them on their special days. I wish even for a single day, I can have a surprise as well. I sound selfish and self-pitying, but there are just those days when you don’t want to care about what other people would think. Forgive me, but this is one of those days. Days that you feel so unpretty, unnoticed and unloved.
I was walking with my blockmates earlier and I opened a topic about my other blockmate who will be celebrating her 18th birthday by the end of the month. So we started thinking of plans for her surprise party with pretty dresses and party related things. And after we talked I bid them goodbye since I had to drop by the chapel before going home. While I was alone in the chapel, I felt depressed and nostalgic. I can’t remember but there was something in the weather and the time of day that made me remember something in the past, I just couldn’t figure out what it exactly is. And for some weird reason, I began to cry. I was thinking about my mom, she texted me earlier today saying her legs hurt and that she wasn’t feeling well. I prayed to God asking Him to help her and to keep her away from harm. I prayed so hard and asked God to help my family. It felt like I was beginning to lose them and to pray long and hard would stop them from leaving me. I stayed inside longer since the rain hasn’t stopped yet, and the more time I spend inside that chapel, the more I felt depressed and weary.
I remembered my conversation with my blockmates earlier and about the surprise birthday parties. Self-pity got the worst of me and I began to worry about my own birthday. I know it’s selfish of me to think of my own birthday when there are other people who deserve more special birthdays than I ever will. But I am honestly an insecure person. I wonder how many people wrote in their planners or in their calendars when my birthday is. And if they would remember my birthday and try to find a way to greet me or make my day special; I never actually received any surprises from people that I love, so I don’t know how it feels to be surprised. Sure I know how it feels to surprise other people or think of a good idea to surprise them on their special days. I wish even for a single day, I can have a surprise as well. I sound selfish and self-pitying, but there are just those days when you don’t want to care about what other people would think. Forgive me, but this is one of those days. Days that you feel so unpretty, unnoticed and unloved.
Sunday, March 02, 2008
top 10 things that made me happier :)
I got tagged. :D
Post 10 things that recently made you happy, then tag ten other people and spread the LOVE!
Unlike others who do not have anything to be happy about *coughrdcough* HAHAHA, i have my 10 happy things :))
1. Wicked Oreos from Flaming Wings
with the super team yan, johanne, justin and miggy. thank you justin for the libre. :))
2. Pusoy Dos
winning syempre adds to the happiness. sorry na lang kung easy come, easy go. HAHAHA.
we don't get to play as often as we did before. sad. :(
3. Literature Week Book Sale in De La Costa a few weeks ago
any book sale is a happy day actually. nerd. :-B
4. Impy Pilapil Gallery of the 12 senses
the playground beside De La Costa Hall. i had fun trying out all the gallery pieces. but i especially love the wall of bamboos and the rock with the hole where you huuuuum.
5. surfthechannel.com
thanks to surfthechannel, i get to watch recent episodes of one tree hill and american idol. movies also. :))
6. DAVID ARCHULETA
i wanna marry him someday and squish him 'cause he's so CUTE, funny, humble and so ideal. :x and his voice is just so... 8->
7. interview with Omi Castanar
he was a really friendly guy. i can't help but admire him. :P thank you Katipunan.
8. The Carpenters
i lost my The Carpenters folder in my playlist so i had to redownload the songs. :x
Tomorrow maybe even brighter than today
since I threw my sadness away.
Only yesterday
9. text messages from random people
ang babaw pero i like the feeling when people remember me and text me random messages out of the blue. phone calls also work. hahaha
10. summerrrrr
well, it's almost there, less than a month from now. i wanna go somewhere. hmmm, cagayan de oro? :)) :)) or out of the country? asa. :|
More happy stuff. Wooo.
11. Gay pictures >:)
12. rain on a Sunday afternoon
normally, the rain depresses me. but today seemed different.
can i not tag anyone? ahihihi :)
i wish i was an earthworm
...so that i can have a lot of hearts. blah. :P
sorry, ang sabaw ko. hahaha. it's true though, they have five hearts. (zoology hang over)
sorry, ang sabaw ko. hahaha. it's true though, they have five hearts. (zoology hang over)
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