the last time i blogged i was so depressed. i ranted on how much pressure i'm giving myself for not giving my best. weeks have passed and somehow, i feel better, more relieved, but still, i feel there's something missing.
my grades are still not as good as they were during high school. my body clock is still not stable. i wake up at unholy hours for reasons i don't know. my body aches with the load i carry everyday. i experience headaches almost every night that i end up crying alone because of the pain. i stay up late studying or doing assignments, but still end up unsatisfied with what i have finished. i could state endless complaints with the way my life goes now. a lot has changed. and i cant stop comparing how my life was during high school and how it is now. culture shock? if it were, how come i enjoy it?
no matter how difficult life may be, i also can't find reasons not to enjoy everything laid out to me. i love the long walks to school. i love eating at mcdo for no special reason. i love staying here during weekends studying or simply lying around. i love going to places with my blockmates. i love the rush of screaming for our basketball team live!
in spite of the balance between the pros and cons, something is still lacking. home. i miss my room so much. the two days i spend at home every two weeks aren't enough to fill my homesickness. i like to stay at katipunan during weekends because i get tired of commuting for more than 4 hours before i reach home and because i don't get to study for my lessons when i'm home in batangas. but being home also means pampering myself and going to the mall without having to spend my own money. it has been an endless dilemma of going home or not.
my friend mara sent me a message saying "Life isn't about being fair, it's about surpassing the unfair reality." life always gives us two choices and no matter what choice we pick, life always gives us consequences. we just have to face the unfair reality of living up to it.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Thursday, July 12, 2007
lemons so sour
it's been almost a month since i last updated my blog. for the past weeks, i've been too busy focusing on my studies, hardly having any fun. college is slowly turning hell-ish as the days past. and still, for all the efforts i have done to catch up with my subjects and to get good grades, i still can't achieve the A i'm longing since the first day of school. my efforts are not enough. now im left doubtful, probably i am not good enough to stay here. the more load i get everyday, the more i doubt my capabilities and strengths.
last year, i have discovered my love for writing. i loved the rush of being given a topic to write about, to brainstorm my thoughts and to accomplish an essay. during then, i was so sure that i can be a writer. because of this i was inspired to continue writing even until college. i joined a magazine. i am not so sure if hell work or it was just me that kept myself from completing the requirements needed. it was only a week after the deadline was i able to pass my forms, half baked and rushed. my heart was not into the magazine. there was no excitement felt when i joined. i didnt feel any rush when i gathered the beat for my news article. instead, i felt it was some sort of obligation i just have to do. writing had been an obligation i would avoid as much as i can.
C+ was the highest score i got for an essay i wrote with my whole heart. it was the only grade i can have for a work i have stayed up late for, for an essay i have poured my emotions on. and somehow, i felt still not good enough. when is enough enough? how can one measure his goodness on something? are mind and heart not sufficient to succeed?
yesterday, while i was walking home from the Psyche GA and the failed Katipunan GA, my first year in high school flashbacked before me. similar to this year, i was not able to join any publication then. i was too focused on my academics and had forgotten my dream to write. i had to wait for three years before i can finally join bulik. i do not want to make the same mistake. i want to write with love. i don't want to stop writing. i want to continue the passion i once loved.
though my efforts are still not adequate, i will continue to strive. so what if i only get a C+, i will do better. so what if i would get heavier load once i become an official member of the magazine, i have been there, done that.
the lemons have grown bigger and more sour. so what?
last year, i have discovered my love for writing. i loved the rush of being given a topic to write about, to brainstorm my thoughts and to accomplish an essay. during then, i was so sure that i can be a writer. because of this i was inspired to continue writing even until college. i joined a magazine. i am not so sure if hell work or it was just me that kept myself from completing the requirements needed. it was only a week after the deadline was i able to pass my forms, half baked and rushed. my heart was not into the magazine. there was no excitement felt when i joined. i didnt feel any rush when i gathered the beat for my news article. instead, i felt it was some sort of obligation i just have to do. writing had been an obligation i would avoid as much as i can.
C+ was the highest score i got for an essay i wrote with my whole heart. it was the only grade i can have for a work i have stayed up late for, for an essay i have poured my emotions on. and somehow, i felt still not good enough. when is enough enough? how can one measure his goodness on something? are mind and heart not sufficient to succeed?
yesterday, while i was walking home from the Psyche GA and the failed Katipunan GA, my first year in high school flashbacked before me. similar to this year, i was not able to join any publication then. i was too focused on my academics and had forgotten my dream to write. i had to wait for three years before i can finally join bulik. i do not want to make the same mistake. i want to write with love. i don't want to stop writing. i want to continue the passion i once loved.
though my efforts are still not adequate, i will continue to strive. so what if i only get a C+, i will do better. so what if i would get heavier load once i become an official member of the magazine, i have been there, done that.
the lemons have grown bigger and more sour. so what?
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