somewhere a clock is ticking

A few hours ago, I attended my second graduation, my high school graduation. It didn’t turn out the way I expected it to be. It seemed to happen so fast. I thought I’d get bored waiting for the whole diploma giving part to finish, but even that portion occurred rapidly. Probably, it was because I was either busy drooling over arjae’s new iPod or talking with joyce and arjae. I regret the fact that I didn’t pay much attention to the whole ceremony. It's almost as if my graduation was just an ordinary, nothing special. And now I am dealing with much shame because I failed to appreciate the fruit of my four years of planting. And too bad it only happens once, I won’t get the chance to do it right again.

I thought graduation was supposed to be the most emotional part of 4th year. Well, I was wrong. There were no crying, no hugging for consoling. After the singing of my last alma mater song, cameras soon flashed away. Endless picture were taken. Cranky here, wacky there. I didn’t know on which camera to look, but what the heck, cam whore forever! Haha. We did nothing but take pictures and hug each other as we bid each other goodbye (for the moment). Because we knew that we would see each other again, tomorrow or on the next few weeks. Graduation doesn’t mean goodbye for us. It’s not a phase where we would march and then walk away from high school, from our friends. We just don’t think that way.

But then again, I realize, when will we say goodbye? I don’t want to let go; I just want to prepare myself for what is to come. I don’t want to let go or be let go of the thread that binds me with my friends. Will there be a moment when I have to say goodbye to them? If there is, I just want to prepare myself for that time to come. I know college can be a hindrance for us not to have the same bond we have now. We may meet new friends, find someone special, but I hope that thread wouldn’t break.

But now that I still have the time to be with my friends, I will do my best to savor each moment, so that regrets wouldn’t come. I don’t want to feel the same guilt I felt after graduation.

The clock is still ticking, I will try to live each day as if it was my graduation day.

reasoning for an answer

I spent the whole day at our store, giving change, counting bills, answering phone calls and questioning myself. I was alone for about 60% of the day, thinking about questions that cannot give me any answers.

Why do some parents choose to work for so long instead of watching their child grow from a baby to a preteen?

How can a simple nursery song make moms cry?

How can I have unnoticed how much my sister has grown?

Can people in religious orders be as corrupt as politicians?

Why do people keep on working even if they don’t have any reason to work hard for?

Why are there people who choose to live a life making other people’s lives miserable?

How come my aunt wouldn’t stop talking about my college and how costly ateneo is?

Does jealousy kill? :D

How come ice drops are named as such?

How can something dirty taste so good when you eat it?

Why does an ensaymada have to shape like a twisted bun? (Guess now you know what I had for merienda.)

Are fathers supposed to be meaner than moms?

Am I being stereotypic when I say dads are more powerful than moms?

Does going to college mean moving out? (Cause that’s how I feel ;p)

Why am I afraid of college? Am I alone with this thought?

Does college promise freedom?

How far does one have to go in order to find happiness and true love?

Is it really true that love knows no boundaries, even if loving means breaking another’s heart?

Is falling in love without knowing what for reasonable?

Why do people tend to fall easily?

How can a simple ‘hi’ make one fall?

Why hasn’t phone beeped all day? (Fishing question ;p)

How can people be so insensitive? (Read: no longer related to preceding question)

What will become of me after college?

Will I be a doctor?

What’s for dinner?

Will he go online tonight?


Why ask questions even we can’t answer?

Man seeks for answers for questions he does not know. We tend to look for answers when in fact there aren’t any. We go off searching endlessly, yet go back defeated without an answer. Sometimes, we just have to let it go. Not all questions are meant to answered nor understood. They are just like that. And you don’t have to waste your time looking for answers. Life has a funny way of playing with us. It gives a mind that thinks and asks, and a heart that understands and answers. The mind keeps questioning, while our heart responds. That’s just the way it goes. And we don’t have to look for reasons why it happens.
Heart has reasons that reason cannot know.

outburst

I have never seen someone go from so excited to so depressed to so freaking out.

When I have finally decided that I would go to ateneo, it felt like everything just fell into place, everything was sorted out. But nothing goes according to what I planned.

Bit by bit, I am starting to feel that I am being drifted away from high school, from my friends, from my comfort zone. And slowly, reality opens its doors to me. And I am not excited about it, I am freaking out! I don’t know what I am supposed to do now that I realized that when I stepped into college, I had no one to hold my back, no friends to make me feel secured.

So this is what I get for choosing my dream and following it. Everything has their catch, and this would be mine. While my friends are enjoying their college life and having all their luho, I’m stuck, studying and living in a budget.

I am scared. I’m scared of losing my friends. I might not be there when reunions are put together, or when they have their gimmicks. I am scared that I might cast myself out from them. I am scared of living out of my comfort zone, out of the life I used to live. Adapting has never been easy for me. Worse, I am adapting alone. I am scared of being a loner and having no friends. I am scared that depression would affect my life.


I just want to feel secured.

just gone emo, sorry. hahaha.

how to fly

My first year in high school was a year of adjustment, a year to adapt myself to the jungle called high school. It has also become a year to make a new start, a new set of friends, a new identity. I remember, before I went to La Salle, I was having qualms as to whether or not I should take the risk of meeting strangers and detaching myself from my elementary friends. Well, I didn’t really have much of a social life during grade school, just a couple of friends. Moreover, I was very anti-social then. I was the unpopular girl with the geeky glasses, lousy fashion sense, and the little miss teapot of the class. I was so scared if I would still have that shameful image in high school. I wanted to have a new name, a new personality, something I would be proud of. And high school gave me that opportunity to do so. Although during level 7, I was still somewhat geeky and dorky at the same time.

After four years of seeking and figuring out what I am and what my identity is, I finally realized that I managed, actually successfully, found my identity. I am still the unpopular girl but without the geeky glasses or the people-phobia I used to have then. I learned to be more open, to be more sincere about people and learning to appreciate them. I have gained my own style and somehow managed to live up to it. No more qualms, no more doubts. The four years that was given to me enabled me to be true to myself and to let myself, well, just be myself. And if I would be given the chance to live it again, I would like the same four years to remain the same, just the way I lived it for the first time. I would want the same friends, the same classrooms, the same teachers, and the same experiences.

High school was not perfect; it was still a jungle. It has been a jungle full of mazes and twists that lets you find your way on your own. I have been lost while I was on my way, even had detours and restarts, but still, I continued to walk. I continued to reach for that optimum which I still don’t know what is. But whatever it is, I will reach for it. I will soon soar higher as an eagle, and that opportunity will take me closer to reaching whatever it is somewhere in the sky. But as I rise up high, I will always look back to where I have started because it was in la salle, it was in high school when I first learned how to fly.