Freudian

I’m scared of people. When I was younger, I didn’t make much friends. I was usually alone or shifted from one friend to another. I knew even then that there has to be something wrong with me, that’s why my social life isn’t as healthy or isn’t as normal as other kids. But I didn’t mind that then. I was okay being alone.

But the repercussions of my behavior during childhood are catching up with me now. The fact that I wasn’t the friendliest person in the world now hinders me from socializing with other people. I’ve grown up, gained friends, belonged to different cliques, and learned to strike up a conversation with a stranger, but these milestones did not necessarily erase my fear of people. Yes, I still get scared of greeting people just because I am overcome by the feeling of rejection. It’s been my lifelong problem, and I’m not sure if there are people who feel the same way (if there are, please tell me). High school and college opened me to the reality that I can’t always be scared, and that I’m not the only who’s scared. All of my schoolmates, classmates are just as scared as I am when we are faced with strangers we don’t know. But we adjust, we let down our guards, we make friends. But then, our childhood never leaves us. It has been the pillar of our personality, no matter how good or bad it has been. And as for me, I have to live with the fact that when I was once a child, I didn’t have as much friends as I had hoped. That discomfort of being with other people still brings butterflies in my stomach, those butterflies that come with big boots thumping me inside to the point that I’d want to back out. My tummy’s like that right now, rolling with discomfort because in the next two days, I’ll face a bus full of strangers. I’m scared, but I have to overcome this fear. I have to be stronger. I have to rely on myself that I can go through this on my own. I’m no longer the 9 year old girl that I used to be, I’ve changed for the better. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for a better ending for this week starting today, because the first three days of my free week in Katipunan have been… blaaaaah. Please please God, hear my prayers. :(