hallo

I signed in to my messenger account tonight. Mmm, only a few people are online. I wonder why. Oh I don’t know *in a sarcastic tone*, maybe because most of my friends are out somewhere enjoying themselves during this semestral break. Either they’re not online, or they’re online with their display images featuring them in a beach background or in a where-you-should-be-this-sembreak background. And yes, I do feel sorry for myself that I have not gone out somewhere during this vacation while most people have been going out every day and night. I, too, want to go somewhere. Take me to the beach. Take me to the mall. Take me to Manila. Take me out of the country. Take me somewhere other than in front of my laptop.

Buuuuut, as it turns out, this night wasn’t as self-pityingand ego-bursting as I first thought it would be. After five months of no communication, no IMs, no text messages, no phone calls, I messaged my grade school best friend. Until now I don’t know why I did that since I’ve been seeing her going online-offline for a couple of weeks now and didn’t even bother taking a minute to talk to her. But tonight seemed different; I felt the urge to open up to her and just to see how things are going with her. Mabye because I was hoping I can vent my bitterness to someone or displace this self-pity to someone like here. Nonetheless, I’m more than happy I took that chance. I forgot how it felt to reconnect with someone you’ve known for so long and yet in this moment of reconnection, you are surprised to discover new things about each other. I miss talking to someone without holding anything back, without caring if I sounded gibberish and without thinking if I come off as someone different. I miss this, really I do. How can I let these chances of rekindling slip off my hands? I looked back to my old blog in Friendster and realized I wrote something about this same friend more than 4 years ago. I wrote about the same thing, about missing someone and missing the things we’ve used to share. It’s funny how a simple message can now make me feel a lot better than I was a few hours ago. Thank God for YM. Thank God for friends. Thank God for giving us the chance to reconnect and to renew what I thought we’ve lost.

On a side note, I'm still hoping for an outing or a gimmick before this vacay ends. But if not, there's always that Rihanna-Chris Brown concert to look forward to. Whoooo, time to memorize those songs!

sembreak's no fun at all

It’s ironic to realize that in spite of the long free hours that I spend in front of my laptop, I can’t seem to have the time or the effort to at least sign in to my blog account and to start typing whatever comes out of my mind. Well for one, it’s sembreak and with that comes work during the day, mall during the night and the rest of the evening in front of the computer. Sometimes it’s fun, but most of the time it’s boring especially when it’s been three hours and no one has IM-ed you. Hay, that’s sad. :P

I’ve been promising myself that I’d write a long post to sum up first semester, but I just couldn’t bring myself together to write anything decent. And then there’s that Kythe evsem “disaster” that I’ve been meaning to write about, buuuut same problem as above ---- tinatamad. So I think I’ll write about something else. I’ll vent about something that doesn’t require much brain energy from me. I’ll complain about different attempts to make this sembreak meaningful.

Malaysia: FAAAAIL
Seryoso, I thought we’d be going there this break since my dad has been talking about how beautiful the Petronas towers were and how enjoyable the Genting highland was. So being little miss eager, I researched about Malaysia for a week. I tried looking for travel agencies that offer packages to KL and other Malaysian destinations. I looked through the different hotels and tourist spots (and even restaurants) just to foresee where we’ll be staying. But then my dad decided to cancel the trip because the weather isn’t good for traveling during this time of the year. Uhh yeah, so much for my meaty research and package proposals.

Genting Highland

uhh some dark cave :P

*sigh*

Driving lessons
I haven’t actually inquired about it yet, but I’m not so sure if’ I still have enough time to learn how to drive. How many days does it usually take? I really want to learn, although I don’t know if I really need to know how to drive. It’s not like my parents will be buying me a car as soon as I learn how to drive. Nonetheless, it’s kind of awesome that I’d learn something new during this vacation. I’m still hoping I’d get a chance to learn. It will only be possible if I’m not too lazy to drop a line to the driving school.

Night walking: FAAAAIL
Sembreak is supposed to be the best way to implement a proper diet or weight loss program, but it looks I’ve been doing nothing but postponing my prepared weight loss plan to the next day. Before I know it, I’d be gaining a LOT of weight and ending up, well, fat. Hay, sad. Just so you know, I tried to do my night walking once. I just didn’t have the time, aka tinamad, after that night.

Kythe Circle of Life
If you could only see what I wrote in that timetable for the event, you’d kill me now for not doing ANY of those things I’ve listed. Laziness really is at its best during breaks; it drags you to this little circle and lets you out only after the sembreak. I tried to write the e-mail to be sent for the different yahoo groups, but I’m not entirely proud of it. The email looked pretty dull and sounded very shallow. Oh well, I have 34 more days to make this event as good as we hoped it to be.

Beachbeachbeach
I wanna go to the beach! NOW! I’m working hard on this one, tyring to look for the best beach resort for my family. Nobody wants to spend their all souls’ day at home right? Or in the cemetery? Do you have suggestions? Laiya, Batangas is nice and all, but sometimes you get tired of the same view, of the same food and of the same company.

daddy please, can we go here on november 1? please please. *bats eyelashes*

You see, I’ve been seriously trying to put energy into my sembreak, to add life to it, but every time I try to, nothing seems to work. I just want to lie on my bed to sleep or to read a few pages of the book I’m currently reading.

"There are certain things you can't undo. You can only go forward. " -Haruki Murakami (South of the Border, West of the Sun)

Freudian

I’m scared of people. When I was younger, I didn’t make much friends. I was usually alone or shifted from one friend to another. I knew even then that there has to be something wrong with me, that’s why my social life isn’t as healthy or isn’t as normal as other kids. But I didn’t mind that then. I was okay being alone.

But the repercussions of my behavior during childhood are catching up with me now. The fact that I wasn’t the friendliest person in the world now hinders me from socializing with other people. I’ve grown up, gained friends, belonged to different cliques, and learned to strike up a conversation with a stranger, but these milestones did not necessarily erase my fear of people. Yes, I still get scared of greeting people just because I am overcome by the feeling of rejection. It’s been my lifelong problem, and I’m not sure if there are people who feel the same way (if there are, please tell me). High school and college opened me to the reality that I can’t always be scared, and that I’m not the only who’s scared. All of my schoolmates, classmates are just as scared as I am when we are faced with strangers we don’t know. But we adjust, we let down our guards, we make friends. But then, our childhood never leaves us. It has been the pillar of our personality, no matter how good or bad it has been. And as for me, I have to live with the fact that when I was once a child, I didn’t have as much friends as I had hoped. That discomfort of being with other people still brings butterflies in my stomach, those butterflies that come with big boots thumping me inside to the point that I’d want to back out. My tummy’s like that right now, rolling with discomfort because in the next two days, I’ll face a bus full of strangers. I’m scared, but I have to overcome this fear. I have to be stronger. I have to rely on myself that I can go through this on my own. I’m no longer the 9 year old girl that I used to be, I’ve changed for the better. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for a better ending for this week starting today, because the first three days of my free week in Katipunan have been… blaaaaah. Please please God, hear my prayers. :(

these things again

Why does one hold on so much for the things that he thinks matter? Why are there things one considers to be important and unimportant? And why does it seem like everything is important? Because of this, one cannot ever let go of these “important” things. Why can’t one let go? Why can’t one easily move on? Why does one have to be very sentimental that one tends to hold on to every seemingly vital memory one associates with something?

I’m clearly confused. Instead of speaking out my thoughts, I’m writing them. After taking my two hour nap (I was deciding if I should carry on sleeping till the next day), I fixed my study table and cleared up the post it’s on my wall. I was actually debating with myself whether or not I should throw away these post it’s I’ve had since the start of the semester. Almost all of them contained a memory I wanted myself to remember. They even come with the date and time I wrote them. ^__^ But yeah, I decided to throw them away to clear my table and to give myself a sense of freedom from the first semester. Getting back to my point, it’s not only these post it’s that reminded me of the important things you know. But my point is, why? Why do we hold on to them so much, to the point that we end up stagnated? We can’t move on, even if we are supposed to, even if we are pushed to or forced to. Maybe people can’t move on or let go of the memories they’ve had of something because they’re not just ready yet. But when will we ever be prepared? Sometimes, I wish we just don’t get attached to these things, these feelings, these people in the first place, so we wouldn’t have to let go of anything.

i need a hug

Help me please. :( Please make me stronger, more confident, and more resilient.



Slow Me Down - Emmy Rossum

Rushing and racing
and running in circles
Moving so fast, I’m forgetting my purpose
Blur of the traffic is sending me spinning
Getting nowhere

My head and my heart are colliding, chaotic
Pace of the world
I just wish I could stop it
Try to appear like I’ve got it together
falling apart

Save me
Somebody take my hand, and lead me
Slow me down
Don’t let love pass me by
Just show me how
‘Cause I’m ready to fall
Slow me down
Don’t let me live a lie
Before my life fly by
I need you to slow me down

Sometimes I fear that I might disappear
In the blur of fast forward I faultier again
Forgetting to breathe, I need to sleep
getting nowhere

All that I’ve missed I see in the reflection
Passed me while I wasn’t paying attention
Tired of rushing, racing and running
falling apart

Tell me
Oh won’t you take my hand and lead me
Slow me down
Don’t let love pass me by
Just show me how
‘Cause I’m ready to fall
Slow me down
Don’t let me live a lie
Before my life flys by
I need you to slow me down

Just show me
slow me down, slow me down

The noise of the world is getting me caught up
Chasing the clock and I wish I could stop it
Just need to breathe, somebody please

who's the geek now?

My youngest sister’s sick today. After getting all made up as the flower girl for a family friend’s wedding, she ran a fever immediately after she walked down the aisle. So my parents had to take her home as soon as the mass ended. I wasn’t there when it happened because I was too busy working, but my mom told me my baby sister was crying cos she’s worried she might not be able to finish studying for her quarterly exams, and she’s scared she might not be able to take her exams this coming Monday. Just so you know, this is my seven year old sister talking here okay, not some college student panicking due to an unexpected fever before exams week. So when I heard my mom’s story, I laughed hard since I thought I was just like her before (I used to cry when I can’t bring myself to sleep by 8PM). But my sister’s quite different. I mean, 7 year old kids don’t cry over not being able to go to school for their exams. They get tantrums when their parents fail to buy them the toys they want or when they fight with their siblings. But no, my sister’s a geek. I want to think of a psychological explanation why she’s like this, but my brain’s also on sembreak mode. My mom’s story was just too funny that I felt like sharing.

My sister's sitting beside me right now, despite of feeling all dizzy and nauseous, she's asking me questions about the parable of the Prodigal Son and the Ten Commandments.

because sembreak's the perfect time to waste your time answering surveys

Grabbed from Zyrelle. :) I should be sleeping right now, but the coffee, it's keeping me awake. :/

You're stuck on an elevator with the person you've fallen the hardest for, what do you do?
~ PHWEEEEEE. ;)) ;)) malamang kinikilig na ako during this time di ba, but you gotta play it casually. I'll probably try to keep a conversation going in order to avoid any awkward moment. Or if i'm close to the person, play a game with him ;)) ;)) ;))

Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?
~Depends if I like him or not. If I do, tell him how I feel the same way and then we'd both be happy. If I don't like him, *sigh* sorry dude, I can only be your friend. I'll find him another girl if he wants.

If you're dying and if you ever wanna live to see another day, you're forced to snort cocaine, do you do it?
~Most likely, if it means having a few more days to live.

If you woke up in one of the Saw movies, do you think you could survive?
~Mmmm, I haven't seen any Saw movies, so I don't reall know. But I think I will. :))

You have to dye your hair a different color for the rest of your life, what color do you choose?
~Medium to dark brown hair color complements my skin tone, so yeah, I'd go for brown.

You have to get a tattoo, where and what do you get?
~Eeeeeh, tattooes are dirty :-s Do I really have to get one? 'Cause getting a tattoo risks my chances of being a doctor, so nevermind. :P BUUUT, if i really have to get one, i like the angel wings tattooed on my back, like the one kc montero has? Have you seen that? Uber cool :))

Are you mad about anything?
~I'm frustrated that I can't stop myself from being controlled by my grades :(

Are you listening to music?
~Uh-huh. The Graduation Song by Dave Matthews Band

Do you smoke weed everyday?
~Nope, haven't even tried.

Could you go a month without cursing?
~I don't think so. :|

Are you currently reading a book?
~Well I started reading South of the Border, West of the Sun by Murakami during my trip to Batangas a few hours ago.

Have you ever ridden a horse?
~Yeahhh, ages ago :| Those smelly horses in Tagaytay and Baguio.

What's the funniest movie you've ever seen?
~Superbad? I dunno, I laugh at anything eh even if it's not funny. O_O

Are you scared of sharks?
~Not really. Unless you have had an experience with them, I don't think you'd develop any fear against sharks. That's according to behaviorist perspective I think? :))

What are you wearing?
~Spaghetti-strapped night gown I've been wearing since grade school =))=))

Next president?
~I'm usually apathetic when it comes to politics, but I'd go for Roxas in case he'll run for president. Just cos I've had the chance to interview him before. Heehee.

Can you honestly say that things are running smoothly for you?
~For now yes, since I'm on sembreak mode, but after a month, it'll be back to academic turmoil. :-<

What's your view on taking risks?
~There are things such as measured risks, sometimes it's okay to take risks but if you know that they're not worth it, wag na lang. :P

Would you rather trade in your ipod or computer/laptop and every detail stored in it for 10,000 dollars?
~Give me first some time to transfer all my files before I say yes.

Does your heart come with a key, or is it already taken?
~I'm thinking. Cos a tita of mine once mentioned that we shouldn't keep our hearts locked with a key since it means we're "locking" ourselves up from oppurtunities. So, I have a heart with open doors. HAHAHAHA. Ang cheesy pota :|

How'd your day go, by the way?
~Oh it was fun. Surprised my parents today, cos they thought I'll be coming home on Saturday after finals, but surprise surprise. :)) And oh oh, my laptop's fixed! \:D/ It's unusually fasterrrrrr now. YAY.

Which do you prefer on your toast: butter, jelly, peanut butter, or Nutella?
~butter, lots and lots of butter.

Are you a Gatorade drinker?
~Okay lang, I like the blue one the most. Yucky yun orange, tastes like medicine.

You see a shooting star, do you make a wish?
~Opkors.

How do you handle your hair once you finished washing it?
~Part it, comb it 2 or 3 times, then let it dry on its own.

Do you have relatives living in a different country?
~Yes.

Do you turn on the lamp when it's bright out?
~Uhh no?

Have you ever been addicted to WoW or SC?
~ /:)

When it rains, do you go out and start to dance?
~When I was younger. The first rain of May daw was supposed to be good for the health? Labo I know. :))

What are you listening to right now?
~Cute Without the 'E' by Taking Back Sunday

Do you get carried away with things?
~Yeah, most of the time.

Which is better? Long or short hair?
Contrary to what most people think, short hair is harder to manage. :| Long hair siguro, but then it's too hot to maintain a long hair. For guys, clean cut's always better than long hair. :))

True or False? Goths are losers.
~False. They're just different, that's all. :P

What is the first thing or word that comes to mind when you hear the word EMO?
~Black.

Do you like roller coasters?
~Yes sir. Water rides are also cool.

Do you like high-boots?
~Nah, they don't fit the weather eh.

True or False? Smoking is completely stupid and disgusting.
~Erase completely, they are stupid and disgusting, but then again there are things which are far more stupid and disgusting.

How much do pop-ups suck?
~Very much =)) sorry, wala na ko maisip.

Are puppies cute?
~Cute to look at, but not to touch. :| I don't like pets sorry.

Pancakes are yummy, yes?
~Yes yes yes! Especially with lots of butter and syrup and sausaaaaaage. =P~

Your eye color is:
~Black? Or probably dark dark brown?

What is the meaning of life?
~Mmm, I'l return to this question later. :P

Is lying ok to do if it`s to help someone?
~There's such a thing as a white lie, so I think it's okay IF you're sure it will really really help.

Do you happen to be afraid of heights?
~Not really, I'm more afraid of chickens. "Flying" chickens/roosters are scary :-s

Is it a big deal if someone doesn`t believe in God?
~Belief is a choice, so you're not supposed to bother yourself knowing someone doesn't believe in God. Maybe that person believes in other things?

People who cut themselves are:
~lonely. :(

Do you happen to be bored?
~Yeah, obviously. =))

sembreaaaak

Finally, I’m done for the semester. Actually I’m two days early. My sembreak’s supposed to officially start on Saturday, but thanks to Sir Cuenca’s amazing math skills, I’m fuh-reeeeee. \:D/ I’m working on a really long post right now, but I want to make it a good one so I will be posting it soon. For now, let these pictures show how the latter part of the first semester went.

You can't actually see it, but my planner's been very busy as well. No gray areas (or at least I try to avoid them) for three months. :| And well aside from school shit, my days are usually spent going out with friends or sucking up with org work. HAHA. But it's actually cute seeing my planner and how colorful it has turned.

Bad girls :/ Ayaw makinig ni Pat sa physio lecture eh, look what happened, F for the 2nd LT. Ah well, thanks again Sir Cuenca! You know we love you. And just so you know, that lecture was really really really boring. If I remember it right, he was talking about menstrual cycle and how much sperm is secreted during ejaculation. :O Or maybe not.

We didn't have tickets okay. So we had no choice but to watch on TV, or in this case, on a huge LCD projector at the Blue Eagle Gym. It was surprisingly fun though, cos all the while I thought watching the game on TV compared to watching it live was so lame. Well, it was not as exciting, BUT with a crowd like that, it was okay. Besides, WE WON!!! And I have a championship shirt (thank you dar and nikka!) to prove it.

These were the drinks that gave me that stupid allergy. Well, i only had one glass, i just took a picture of all of them together because i think they look cute in their different colors. :)) Drinking is actually kind of nice. *stops and shrieks with that realization* Only because it makes you feel happy, light and lightheaded. And it's true, it does make you more talkative. Like you actually don't care about what you're saying. Funny funny. Or maybe those are all just part of the placebo effect? Mmm, I dunno, but I wish I don't have this allergy against alcohol cos no one likes seeing her skin turn red and itchy. And I don't like seeing my whole face turn red and my eyes bloodshut.

Despite of the quicksand looking Bel field and my precious purple shoes turning brown, the victory bonfire was fun. Period. No wait, I actually overestimated the event. I thought I'd have a great time, but my friends and I ended up walking around trying to find a spot that's not too muddy. After getting tired of standing and drooling over the athletes, we sat for the rest of the night. Sushi pulubi. =)) Dahil tamad kami at wala nang pera, we sort of stole this platter of sushi and 3/4 bottle of pepsi from other people's table. They left already and sayang naman yung food di ba? And oh, some kid left a stick of pork barbecue... you know what we did with it. =))=))=)) But we're fiiiine, strong intestines eh. HAHA.

letter to a young activist

Do not depend on the hope of results. When you are doing the sort of work you have taken on, essentially an apostolic work, you may have to face the fact that your work will be apparently worthless and even achieve no result at all, if not perhaps results opposite to what you expect. As you get used to this idea, you start more and more to concentrate not on the results but on the value, of the work itself. And there, too, a great deal has to be gone through, as gradually you struggle less and less for an idea and more and more for specific people. The range tends to narrow down, but it gets much more real. In the end it is the reality of personal relationships that saves everything.
You are fed up with words, I don’t blame you. I am nauseated by them sometimes. I am also, to tell the truth, nauseated by ideal and with causes. This sounds like heresy, but I think you will understand what I mean. It is so easy to get engrossed with ideas and slogans and myths that in the end one is left holding the bag, empty, with no trace of meaning left in it. And then the temptation is to yell louder than ever in order to make the meaning be there again by magic. Going through this kind of reaction helps you to guard against this. Your system is complaining of too much verbalizing, and it is right.
… the big results are not in your hands or mine, but they suddenly happen, and we can share in them; but there is no point in building our lives on this personal satisfaction, which may be denied us and which after all is not that important.
The next step in the process is for you to see that your own thinking about what you are doing is crucially important. You are probably striving to build yourself and identity in your own work, out of your work and your witness. You are using it, so to speak, to protect yourself against nothingness, annihilation. That is not right use of your work. All the good that you will do will come not from you but from the fact that you have allowed yourself, in the obedience of faith, to be used by God’s love. think of this more and gradually you will be free from the need to prove yourself, and you can be more open to the power that will work through you without you knowing it.
The great thing after all is to live, not to pour out your life in the service of a myth; and we turn the best things into myths. If you can get free from the domination of causes and just serve Christ’s truth, you will be able to do more and will be less crushed by the inevitable disappointments. Because I see nothing whatever in sight but much disappointment, frustration and confusion.
The real hope, then, is not in something, we think we can do, but in God who is making something good out of it in some way we cannot see. If we can do His will, we will be helping in this process. But we will not necessarily know all about it beforehand…
Enough of this… it is at least a gesture… I will keep you in my prayers.

All the best in Christ,

TOM

For our last physio lecture, Sir Cuenca gave us this handout. He told us that it was okay for us to throw away all our previous readings, except for this one. It was given to him by one of his professors and he has kept this handout for 16 years and still counting. Let it remind us of why we are here and of what should keep us striving. Good read! :)