hallo

I signed in to my messenger account tonight. Mmm, only a few people are online. I wonder why. Oh I don’t know *in a sarcastic tone*, maybe because most of my friends are out somewhere enjoying themselves during this semestral break. Either they’re not online, or they’re online with their display images featuring them in a beach background or in a where-you-should-be-this-sembreak background. And yes, I do feel sorry for myself that I have not gone out somewhere during this vacation while most people have been going out every day and night. I, too, want to go somewhere. Take me to the beach. Take me to the mall. Take me to Manila. Take me out of the country. Take me somewhere other than in front of my laptop.

Buuuuut, as it turns out, this night wasn’t as self-pityingand ego-bursting as I first thought it would be. After five months of no communication, no IMs, no text messages, no phone calls, I messaged my grade school best friend. Until now I don’t know why I did that since I’ve been seeing her going online-offline for a couple of weeks now and didn’t even bother taking a minute to talk to her. But tonight seemed different; I felt the urge to open up to her and just to see how things are going with her. Mabye because I was hoping I can vent my bitterness to someone or displace this self-pity to someone like here. Nonetheless, I’m more than happy I took that chance. I forgot how it felt to reconnect with someone you’ve known for so long and yet in this moment of reconnection, you are surprised to discover new things about each other. I miss talking to someone without holding anything back, without caring if I sounded gibberish and without thinking if I come off as someone different. I miss this, really I do. How can I let these chances of rekindling slip off my hands? I looked back to my old blog in Friendster and realized I wrote something about this same friend more than 4 years ago. I wrote about the same thing, about missing someone and missing the things we’ve used to share. It’s funny how a simple message can now make me feel a lot better than I was a few hours ago. Thank God for YM. Thank God for friends. Thank God for giving us the chance to reconnect and to renew what I thought we’ve lost.

On a side note, I'm still hoping for an outing or a gimmick before this vacay ends. But if not, there's always that Rihanna-Chris Brown concert to look forward to. Whoooo, time to memorize those songs!

sembreak's no fun at all

It’s ironic to realize that in spite of the long free hours that I spend in front of my laptop, I can’t seem to have the time or the effort to at least sign in to my blog account and to start typing whatever comes out of my mind. Well for one, it’s sembreak and with that comes work during the day, mall during the night and the rest of the evening in front of the computer. Sometimes it’s fun, but most of the time it’s boring especially when it’s been three hours and no one has IM-ed you. Hay, that’s sad. :P

I’ve been promising myself that I’d write a long post to sum up first semester, but I just couldn’t bring myself together to write anything decent. And then there’s that Kythe evsem “disaster” that I’ve been meaning to write about, buuuut same problem as above ---- tinatamad. So I think I’ll write about something else. I’ll vent about something that doesn’t require much brain energy from me. I’ll complain about different attempts to make this sembreak meaningful.

Malaysia: FAAAAIL
Seryoso, I thought we’d be going there this break since my dad has been talking about how beautiful the Petronas towers were and how enjoyable the Genting highland was. So being little miss eager, I researched about Malaysia for a week. I tried looking for travel agencies that offer packages to KL and other Malaysian destinations. I looked through the different hotels and tourist spots (and even restaurants) just to foresee where we’ll be staying. But then my dad decided to cancel the trip because the weather isn’t good for traveling during this time of the year. Uhh yeah, so much for my meaty research and package proposals.

Genting Highland

uhh some dark cave :P

*sigh*

Driving lessons
I haven’t actually inquired about it yet, but I’m not so sure if’ I still have enough time to learn how to drive. How many days does it usually take? I really want to learn, although I don’t know if I really need to know how to drive. It’s not like my parents will be buying me a car as soon as I learn how to drive. Nonetheless, it’s kind of awesome that I’d learn something new during this vacation. I’m still hoping I’d get a chance to learn. It will only be possible if I’m not too lazy to drop a line to the driving school.

Night walking: FAAAAIL
Sembreak is supposed to be the best way to implement a proper diet or weight loss program, but it looks I’ve been doing nothing but postponing my prepared weight loss plan to the next day. Before I know it, I’d be gaining a LOT of weight and ending up, well, fat. Hay, sad. Just so you know, I tried to do my night walking once. I just didn’t have the time, aka tinamad, after that night.

Kythe Circle of Life
If you could only see what I wrote in that timetable for the event, you’d kill me now for not doing ANY of those things I’ve listed. Laziness really is at its best during breaks; it drags you to this little circle and lets you out only after the sembreak. I tried to write the e-mail to be sent for the different yahoo groups, but I’m not entirely proud of it. The email looked pretty dull and sounded very shallow. Oh well, I have 34 more days to make this event as good as we hoped it to be.

Beachbeachbeach
I wanna go to the beach! NOW! I’m working hard on this one, tyring to look for the best beach resort for my family. Nobody wants to spend their all souls’ day at home right? Or in the cemetery? Do you have suggestions? Laiya, Batangas is nice and all, but sometimes you get tired of the same view, of the same food and of the same company.

daddy please, can we go here on november 1? please please. *bats eyelashes*

You see, I’ve been seriously trying to put energy into my sembreak, to add life to it, but every time I try to, nothing seems to work. I just want to lie on my bed to sleep or to read a few pages of the book I’m currently reading.

"There are certain things you can't undo. You can only go forward. " -Haruki Murakami (South of the Border, West of the Sun)

Freudian

I’m scared of people. When I was younger, I didn’t make much friends. I was usually alone or shifted from one friend to another. I knew even then that there has to be something wrong with me, that’s why my social life isn’t as healthy or isn’t as normal as other kids. But I didn’t mind that then. I was okay being alone.

But the repercussions of my behavior during childhood are catching up with me now. The fact that I wasn’t the friendliest person in the world now hinders me from socializing with other people. I’ve grown up, gained friends, belonged to different cliques, and learned to strike up a conversation with a stranger, but these milestones did not necessarily erase my fear of people. Yes, I still get scared of greeting people just because I am overcome by the feeling of rejection. It’s been my lifelong problem, and I’m not sure if there are people who feel the same way (if there are, please tell me). High school and college opened me to the reality that I can’t always be scared, and that I’m not the only who’s scared. All of my schoolmates, classmates are just as scared as I am when we are faced with strangers we don’t know. But we adjust, we let down our guards, we make friends. But then, our childhood never leaves us. It has been the pillar of our personality, no matter how good or bad it has been. And as for me, I have to live with the fact that when I was once a child, I didn’t have as much friends as I had hoped. That discomfort of being with other people still brings butterflies in my stomach, those butterflies that come with big boots thumping me inside to the point that I’d want to back out. My tummy’s like that right now, rolling with discomfort because in the next two days, I’ll face a bus full of strangers. I’m scared, but I have to overcome this fear. I have to be stronger. I have to rely on myself that I can go through this on my own. I’m no longer the 9 year old girl that I used to be, I’ve changed for the better. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for a better ending for this week starting today, because the first three days of my free week in Katipunan have been… blaaaaah. Please please God, hear my prayers. :(

these things again

Why does one hold on so much for the things that he thinks matter? Why are there things one considers to be important and unimportant? And why does it seem like everything is important? Because of this, one cannot ever let go of these “important” things. Why can’t one let go? Why can’t one easily move on? Why does one have to be very sentimental that one tends to hold on to every seemingly vital memory one associates with something?

I’m clearly confused. Instead of speaking out my thoughts, I’m writing them. After taking my two hour nap (I was deciding if I should carry on sleeping till the next day), I fixed my study table and cleared up the post it’s on my wall. I was actually debating with myself whether or not I should throw away these post it’s I’ve had since the start of the semester. Almost all of them contained a memory I wanted myself to remember. They even come with the date and time I wrote them. ^__^ But yeah, I decided to throw them away to clear my table and to give myself a sense of freedom from the first semester. Getting back to my point, it’s not only these post it’s that reminded me of the important things you know. But my point is, why? Why do we hold on to them so much, to the point that we end up stagnated? We can’t move on, even if we are supposed to, even if we are pushed to or forced to. Maybe people can’t move on or let go of the memories they’ve had of something because they’re not just ready yet. But when will we ever be prepared? Sometimes, I wish we just don’t get attached to these things, these feelings, these people in the first place, so we wouldn’t have to let go of anything.

i need a hug

Help me please. :( Please make me stronger, more confident, and more resilient.



Slow Me Down - Emmy Rossum

Rushing and racing
and running in circles
Moving so fast, I’m forgetting my purpose
Blur of the traffic is sending me spinning
Getting nowhere

My head and my heart are colliding, chaotic
Pace of the world
I just wish I could stop it
Try to appear like I’ve got it together
falling apart

Save me
Somebody take my hand, and lead me
Slow me down
Don’t let love pass me by
Just show me how
‘Cause I’m ready to fall
Slow me down
Don’t let me live a lie
Before my life fly by
I need you to slow me down

Sometimes I fear that I might disappear
In the blur of fast forward I faultier again
Forgetting to breathe, I need to sleep
getting nowhere

All that I’ve missed I see in the reflection
Passed me while I wasn’t paying attention
Tired of rushing, racing and running
falling apart

Tell me
Oh won’t you take my hand and lead me
Slow me down
Don’t let love pass me by
Just show me how
‘Cause I’m ready to fall
Slow me down
Don’t let me live a lie
Before my life flys by
I need you to slow me down

Just show me
slow me down, slow me down

The noise of the world is getting me caught up
Chasing the clock and I wish I could stop it
Just need to breathe, somebody please

who's the geek now?

My youngest sister’s sick today. After getting all made up as the flower girl for a family friend’s wedding, she ran a fever immediately after she walked down the aisle. So my parents had to take her home as soon as the mass ended. I wasn’t there when it happened because I was too busy working, but my mom told me my baby sister was crying cos she’s worried she might not be able to finish studying for her quarterly exams, and she’s scared she might not be able to take her exams this coming Monday. Just so you know, this is my seven year old sister talking here okay, not some college student panicking due to an unexpected fever before exams week. So when I heard my mom’s story, I laughed hard since I thought I was just like her before (I used to cry when I can’t bring myself to sleep by 8PM). But my sister’s quite different. I mean, 7 year old kids don’t cry over not being able to go to school for their exams. They get tantrums when their parents fail to buy them the toys they want or when they fight with their siblings. But no, my sister’s a geek. I want to think of a psychological explanation why she’s like this, but my brain’s also on sembreak mode. My mom’s story was just too funny that I felt like sharing.

My sister's sitting beside me right now, despite of feeling all dizzy and nauseous, she's asking me questions about the parable of the Prodigal Son and the Ten Commandments.

because sembreak's the perfect time to waste your time answering surveys

Grabbed from Zyrelle. :) I should be sleeping right now, but the coffee, it's keeping me awake. :/

You're stuck on an elevator with the person you've fallen the hardest for, what do you do?
~ PHWEEEEEE. ;)) ;)) malamang kinikilig na ako during this time di ba, but you gotta play it casually. I'll probably try to keep a conversation going in order to avoid any awkward moment. Or if i'm close to the person, play a game with him ;)) ;)) ;))

Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?
~Depends if I like him or not. If I do, tell him how I feel the same way and then we'd both be happy. If I don't like him, *sigh* sorry dude, I can only be your friend. I'll find him another girl if he wants.

If you're dying and if you ever wanna live to see another day, you're forced to snort cocaine, do you do it?
~Most likely, if it means having a few more days to live.

If you woke up in one of the Saw movies, do you think you could survive?
~Mmmm, I haven't seen any Saw movies, so I don't reall know. But I think I will. :))

You have to dye your hair a different color for the rest of your life, what color do you choose?
~Medium to dark brown hair color complements my skin tone, so yeah, I'd go for brown.

You have to get a tattoo, where and what do you get?
~Eeeeeh, tattooes are dirty :-s Do I really have to get one? 'Cause getting a tattoo risks my chances of being a doctor, so nevermind. :P BUUUT, if i really have to get one, i like the angel wings tattooed on my back, like the one kc montero has? Have you seen that? Uber cool :))

Are you mad about anything?
~I'm frustrated that I can't stop myself from being controlled by my grades :(

Are you listening to music?
~Uh-huh. The Graduation Song by Dave Matthews Band

Do you smoke weed everyday?
~Nope, haven't even tried.

Could you go a month without cursing?
~I don't think so. :|

Are you currently reading a book?
~Well I started reading South of the Border, West of the Sun by Murakami during my trip to Batangas a few hours ago.

Have you ever ridden a horse?
~Yeahhh, ages ago :| Those smelly horses in Tagaytay and Baguio.

What's the funniest movie you've ever seen?
~Superbad? I dunno, I laugh at anything eh even if it's not funny. O_O

Are you scared of sharks?
~Not really. Unless you have had an experience with them, I don't think you'd develop any fear against sharks. That's according to behaviorist perspective I think? :))

What are you wearing?
~Spaghetti-strapped night gown I've been wearing since grade school =))=))

Next president?
~I'm usually apathetic when it comes to politics, but I'd go for Roxas in case he'll run for president. Just cos I've had the chance to interview him before. Heehee.

Can you honestly say that things are running smoothly for you?
~For now yes, since I'm on sembreak mode, but after a month, it'll be back to academic turmoil. :-<

What's your view on taking risks?
~There are things such as measured risks, sometimes it's okay to take risks but if you know that they're not worth it, wag na lang. :P

Would you rather trade in your ipod or computer/laptop and every detail stored in it for 10,000 dollars?
~Give me first some time to transfer all my files before I say yes.

Does your heart come with a key, or is it already taken?
~I'm thinking. Cos a tita of mine once mentioned that we shouldn't keep our hearts locked with a key since it means we're "locking" ourselves up from oppurtunities. So, I have a heart with open doors. HAHAHAHA. Ang cheesy pota :|

How'd your day go, by the way?
~Oh it was fun. Surprised my parents today, cos they thought I'll be coming home on Saturday after finals, but surprise surprise. :)) And oh oh, my laptop's fixed! \:D/ It's unusually fasterrrrrr now. YAY.

Which do you prefer on your toast: butter, jelly, peanut butter, or Nutella?
~butter, lots and lots of butter.

Are you a Gatorade drinker?
~Okay lang, I like the blue one the most. Yucky yun orange, tastes like medicine.

You see a shooting star, do you make a wish?
~Opkors.

How do you handle your hair once you finished washing it?
~Part it, comb it 2 or 3 times, then let it dry on its own.

Do you have relatives living in a different country?
~Yes.

Do you turn on the lamp when it's bright out?
~Uhh no?

Have you ever been addicted to WoW or SC?
~ /:)

When it rains, do you go out and start to dance?
~When I was younger. The first rain of May daw was supposed to be good for the health? Labo I know. :))

What are you listening to right now?
~Cute Without the 'E' by Taking Back Sunday

Do you get carried away with things?
~Yeah, most of the time.

Which is better? Long or short hair?
Contrary to what most people think, short hair is harder to manage. :| Long hair siguro, but then it's too hot to maintain a long hair. For guys, clean cut's always better than long hair. :))

True or False? Goths are losers.
~False. They're just different, that's all. :P

What is the first thing or word that comes to mind when you hear the word EMO?
~Black.

Do you like roller coasters?
~Yes sir. Water rides are also cool.

Do you like high-boots?
~Nah, they don't fit the weather eh.

True or False? Smoking is completely stupid and disgusting.
~Erase completely, they are stupid and disgusting, but then again there are things which are far more stupid and disgusting.

How much do pop-ups suck?
~Very much =)) sorry, wala na ko maisip.

Are puppies cute?
~Cute to look at, but not to touch. :| I don't like pets sorry.

Pancakes are yummy, yes?
~Yes yes yes! Especially with lots of butter and syrup and sausaaaaaage. =P~

Your eye color is:
~Black? Or probably dark dark brown?

What is the meaning of life?
~Mmm, I'l return to this question later. :P

Is lying ok to do if it`s to help someone?
~There's such a thing as a white lie, so I think it's okay IF you're sure it will really really help.

Do you happen to be afraid of heights?
~Not really, I'm more afraid of chickens. "Flying" chickens/roosters are scary :-s

Is it a big deal if someone doesn`t believe in God?
~Belief is a choice, so you're not supposed to bother yourself knowing someone doesn't believe in God. Maybe that person believes in other things?

People who cut themselves are:
~lonely. :(

Do you happen to be bored?
~Yeah, obviously. =))

sembreaaaak

Finally, I’m done for the semester. Actually I’m two days early. My sembreak’s supposed to officially start on Saturday, but thanks to Sir Cuenca’s amazing math skills, I’m fuh-reeeeee. \:D/ I’m working on a really long post right now, but I want to make it a good one so I will be posting it soon. For now, let these pictures show how the latter part of the first semester went.

You can't actually see it, but my planner's been very busy as well. No gray areas (or at least I try to avoid them) for three months. :| And well aside from school shit, my days are usually spent going out with friends or sucking up with org work. HAHA. But it's actually cute seeing my planner and how colorful it has turned.

Bad girls :/ Ayaw makinig ni Pat sa physio lecture eh, look what happened, F for the 2nd LT. Ah well, thanks again Sir Cuenca! You know we love you. And just so you know, that lecture was really really really boring. If I remember it right, he was talking about menstrual cycle and how much sperm is secreted during ejaculation. :O Or maybe not.

We didn't have tickets okay. So we had no choice but to watch on TV, or in this case, on a huge LCD projector at the Blue Eagle Gym. It was surprisingly fun though, cos all the while I thought watching the game on TV compared to watching it live was so lame. Well, it was not as exciting, BUT with a crowd like that, it was okay. Besides, WE WON!!! And I have a championship shirt (thank you dar and nikka!) to prove it.

These were the drinks that gave me that stupid allergy. Well, i only had one glass, i just took a picture of all of them together because i think they look cute in their different colors. :)) Drinking is actually kind of nice. *stops and shrieks with that realization* Only because it makes you feel happy, light and lightheaded. And it's true, it does make you more talkative. Like you actually don't care about what you're saying. Funny funny. Or maybe those are all just part of the placebo effect? Mmm, I dunno, but I wish I don't have this allergy against alcohol cos no one likes seeing her skin turn red and itchy. And I don't like seeing my whole face turn red and my eyes bloodshut.

Despite of the quicksand looking Bel field and my precious purple shoes turning brown, the victory bonfire was fun. Period. No wait, I actually overestimated the event. I thought I'd have a great time, but my friends and I ended up walking around trying to find a spot that's not too muddy. After getting tired of standing and drooling over the athletes, we sat for the rest of the night. Sushi pulubi. =)) Dahil tamad kami at wala nang pera, we sort of stole this platter of sushi and 3/4 bottle of pepsi from other people's table. They left already and sayang naman yung food di ba? And oh, some kid left a stick of pork barbecue... you know what we did with it. =))=))=)) But we're fiiiine, strong intestines eh. HAHA.

letter to a young activist

Do not depend on the hope of results. When you are doing the sort of work you have taken on, essentially an apostolic work, you may have to face the fact that your work will be apparently worthless and even achieve no result at all, if not perhaps results opposite to what you expect. As you get used to this idea, you start more and more to concentrate not on the results but on the value, of the work itself. And there, too, a great deal has to be gone through, as gradually you struggle less and less for an idea and more and more for specific people. The range tends to narrow down, but it gets much more real. In the end it is the reality of personal relationships that saves everything.
You are fed up with words, I don’t blame you. I am nauseated by them sometimes. I am also, to tell the truth, nauseated by ideal and with causes. This sounds like heresy, but I think you will understand what I mean. It is so easy to get engrossed with ideas and slogans and myths that in the end one is left holding the bag, empty, with no trace of meaning left in it. And then the temptation is to yell louder than ever in order to make the meaning be there again by magic. Going through this kind of reaction helps you to guard against this. Your system is complaining of too much verbalizing, and it is right.
… the big results are not in your hands or mine, but they suddenly happen, and we can share in them; but there is no point in building our lives on this personal satisfaction, which may be denied us and which after all is not that important.
The next step in the process is for you to see that your own thinking about what you are doing is crucially important. You are probably striving to build yourself and identity in your own work, out of your work and your witness. You are using it, so to speak, to protect yourself against nothingness, annihilation. That is not right use of your work. All the good that you will do will come not from you but from the fact that you have allowed yourself, in the obedience of faith, to be used by God’s love. think of this more and gradually you will be free from the need to prove yourself, and you can be more open to the power that will work through you without you knowing it.
The great thing after all is to live, not to pour out your life in the service of a myth; and we turn the best things into myths. If you can get free from the domination of causes and just serve Christ’s truth, you will be able to do more and will be less crushed by the inevitable disappointments. Because I see nothing whatever in sight but much disappointment, frustration and confusion.
The real hope, then, is not in something, we think we can do, but in God who is making something good out of it in some way we cannot see. If we can do His will, we will be helping in this process. But we will not necessarily know all about it beforehand…
Enough of this… it is at least a gesture… I will keep you in my prayers.

All the best in Christ,

TOM

For our last physio lecture, Sir Cuenca gave us this handout. He told us that it was okay for us to throw away all our previous readings, except for this one. It was given to him by one of his professors and he has kept this handout for 16 years and still counting. Let it remind us of why we are here and of what should keep us striving. Good read! :)

when angels lead you in

I LOVE THIS DAY. ^_^ After two weeks of endless stress and depression, finally, God answered my prayers. Thank you thank you God. >:D<

Thank you for waking me up early to attend the 7AM mass.
Thank you for the free cut in Chinese.
Thank you for the Psy101 exemption. WHOOOOO.
Thank you for a good Monday weather. No rain! Did you notice?
Thank you for my new Chinese dictionary.
Thank you for treating my allergy.
And thank you for my McDo dinner. (okay, i'm just so happy i wanna thank God for everything)

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a great week this week and hopefully till finals week.

hodgepodge

I promise not to drink ever again, unless I want to end up having another allergy attack. :( I swear, last Friday was my first time to drink after I dunno, 3 years? And I didn't even get drunk. Dizzy, red hot, groggy, yes, but definitely not drunk. And who would have thought I was allergic to alcohol, or to whatever was in that drink I had? :-<

I'm sorry mom, an insect didn't bite me, it was alcohol that brought about these allergies. Please please make it stop, I don't want to go to school scratching my shoulders all day.

***

Okay, so it's almost 11PM over here and I am so not yet done with physio LT. Ohnoes. *slapslapslap* I have to stay awake, I have to finish everything tonight or tomorrow morning. Wish me luck.

***

I was a point away, ONE FRIGGIN POINT away from an A in lab. :(( I want to get an A in Chem Lab in order to pull up my C standing in lecture. I need this, I want this. I will study for it on Monday (hopefully).

***

Bonfire na on Tuesday night! :D :D :D And I dunno, I am seriously excited for this one. I don't even know what's going to happen, but still I am excited. Probably because I feel like the Bonfire would be sort of an end of the year party for everyone. YAAAY, free food. :D

***

I want to eat Chinese. Wala lang, I've been eating everything I see and right now, I'm craving for the things I don't see... Chinese food! I want I want.

truth or truth?

Sometimes, the simplest questions are those that are hardest to answer. And those simple-questions-hard-answers are the ones that are most difficult to accept. And you don’t realize the depth of the questions or the impact of the questions unless they are asked. Otherwise, you don’t think about the things being asked. You forever play naïve to the things you thought don’t exist or refuse to accept the existence of.

I run away from these thoughts, these questions. I repress them as much as I can, but when people fire these thoughts to me, I am more often than not caught off guard. I think of an answer, you know just to satisfy the one asking me the question and then hours later, I still think about those life-changing questions and realize I’ve said the wrong answer. My instincts are not very reliable; they tend to falter almost immediately after I say them.

sucky week

I don't like this week, I don't like it at all.

In spite of the nights without homework or exams the next day that I have been having for the whole week, I can't find a reason to be happy about them. Almost every night, I find myself thinking real hard, contemplating why I've been feeling so down. During the day, I'd be my normal self, but come night time, I'd be like this. Did you ever experience crying for no reason at all? I mean, probably you're crying because of something, but you just can't figure out what that something is. It's been like that for three nights, and I don't find it good at all. It would've been better if I had been feeling depressed for a reason, but I just can't pull out the strings. I hate feeling like this. Nobody likes it anyway. Gaaaah.

i had this homework for physiology wherein we were asked to write a reflection paper about a certain movie. the homework was announced a week before the submission. and i'm usually the type of person who does her homework immediately after it has been announced. but what do you know, night before the submission and i still haven't started on it, not a single phrase for my reflection paper. i ended up cramming for it the entire night until past 2 in the morning that i ended up oversleeping, enough for me to miss yoga. anyway, this happened again the other night for another paper to be written for general psych. no work done days ahead => cram night before => oversleeping for the next day.

i'm not like this really. maybe it's because i've just been too tired with more important school work or org work that i often run out of energy to do other homework. or maybe i've been too preoccupied with the not so important things. i find it hard now to distinguish which one's more important than the other, 'cause now, everything seems vital to me. kind of screwed, i know. or maybe the muse has left. maybe whatever's left of the creative juices i once had has emptied out. i refuse to believe that i can't write a decent reflection paper anymore. i mean, writing has been the only thing that i have practiced. it's the only skill i'm willing enough to share to other people. and for my muse to wear off would mean losing something very very big. i want to continue writing.i want to my thoughts to flow easily and freely as i type them out. but wear-and-tear theory says that overusing something for so long would cause this something to eventually tear off and die. :-< i'd be helpless when that time comes. i don't know where i would find myself when that day when i can no longer write anything comes. i'm not even good at it, and to lose it would even make this life more miserable. *breathes and realizes the exaggeration of the problem*

i was thinking of a way to connect my writing to my helplessness then to other people's helplessness, but it's taking too long so lemme just jump right to it. my psychology professor tells us that each one of us has this instinct or urge to be involved with everything, to help other people when the situation calls for it. it's like we all want to be the good samaritan to everyone, but then bystander effect hinders us from doing so.we know we all want to help someone in need, but then if we realize that there are people whom we thought can also help this person in need, we tend to pass that responsibility of helping to those other helpful people. so i question myself, what am i supposed to do if there are these specific people who i want to help, but then restrain myself from doing so simply because i feel like they don't want to be helped? does my psych prof's theory support that thought? i mean, here i am, being the warmhearted person that i am, offering my help to someone whom i feel refuses to be helped. that's indirect rejection we have right there. who is the one being helpless? and why do people refuse or reject help when any form of helping (or involvement for that matter) can never be a bad thing? should that cause me to stop helping and let these people be? what about guilt?

i think it would be best if we don't refuse at all.^_^ offering help => no rejection => no guilt from rejection => happy people. now that's not such a bad thing right?

these things

In today’s NSTP processing session, a groupmate shared a story on how different the phrase “to live” meant for animals and for humans. He said when animals “say” to live, they pertain to breathing, eating, and sleeping. But when humans speak of to live, we talk of things other than our basic needs. We talk about the things that make us alive. These are the things that help us live, things that keep us alive, things that give life to us. And what are these things? To realize the things that help us to live is a purely subjective and personal notion. What makes me alive may probably be different from what makes another individual alive. Nonetheless, I contemplated real hard on the things that give me a rush, on the things that ask me to live.

To give back
As part of our processing session, we were asked on how we consider NSTP. Courtesy bias aside, I said it was a channel of helping me realize that there exists two different worlds and that one of the two worlds is not as privileged as the other. Belonging in the more blessed group, I have the opportunity to realize this and later on do something about it, to make a difference. NSTP gives us the chance to try remolding the triangle we all live in because we can convert this triangle into a square where in two different worlds no longer exist. Spending my Saturday mornings in Montalban is a way for me to try and give back whatever I have been receiving to those kids. And to realize that I am actually accomplishing this goal of giving back gives me that fuzzy feeling that I am actually helping.

To remember
When I say remember, I like to point out on the littlest things, those details that most people usually forget. Like the last time someone sent you a hug emoticon? Or the number of times your crush said your name? Or maybe the color of his or her shirt when he or she met you? These are things we tend to forget since they don’t seem to be very important when in fact, for me, these may be the details that really matter. ‘Cause it’s when we remember these tiny bits that we recall how important a particular moment was since a big important picture starts with small seemingly unimportant pictures right? Getting my drift? I’m thinking that if we can remember even the tiniest detail of things, it just proves how important that particular something may be.

To feel your heart jumping
Every morning I pray that I hope to have a reason for my heart to jump or for my heartbeat to stop even for a millisecond. When does this actually happen? Mmm, when I get excited for something? When I get surprises? When something unexpected comes my way? When I hear a good story or a good joke? Usually those things, no matter how small, which seem to make my day a little better. It’s good to know that sometimes, things find their way into me and just make me feel a lot better when I needed something to pick me up.

To love and learn
HAHAHA. This is getting really cheesy, but oh well let’s continue. They say you don’t look for love, it finds you. Now this reminds me of the sacrament of waiting; we wait for love to happen because something can only be considered true love if it can wait. However, in case love fails, our only fallback is that we’ve learned. We learn the things we’re supposed to do and the things we’re not supposed to say or do next time. And besides, love is not always a romantic entity. Love is when you remember to say good morning to your parents. Love is when you listen to your friend’s problems. Love is when you take the initiative to share your umbrella. Love is when you give random hugs to people, hoping they’d appreciate the gesture.

To accept failure
Failure is like pain, you wouldn’t know it’s important unless you feel it. And knowing that it is important helps you realize that it is something you actually need in your life, something that makes you live. And I know to realize is hard enough for anyone to take in, what more in accepting it. Wouldn’t it be worse if we were to live a life without mistakes? We wouldn’t know if what we are doing is right or wrong since we’d be thinking we are right all the time, and we all know that’s not always right. It’s a matter of balance of successes and failures; whatever we fail to achieve equals to us gaining more than we have lost.

When humans live, they do so not only to survive but also to realize that we live not only for ourselves.

***

Oops, I didn’t foresee I’d be writing a long one tonight. Maybe I just missed writing about the cheesy things instead of ranting about school-related stress.

on a monday

Today is Monday and in two days it will be Wednesday. I can't wait for Wednesday. Wednesday will be freeeeeedom. Wednesday will be a great day. Wednesday is my happy day. Wednesday will feel like Friday, only it's Wednesday and not Friday.

But today is still just Monday. Two more days. It'll soon be over, and I thought it won't but it is. And I'm excited for it.

***

The "ber" months have started. I can smell Christmas already. =)) =)) =))

***

Never in my life have I not prepared for a long exam until now. Slapslapslap, and it's still not working. My body is refusing to take anymore Physio thoughts. It wants food, vacation and anything not related to the brain. It wants sleep. And yeah, I think I want sleep too.

125 days before Christmas

After more than two months, I gave up. I thought I was strong enough. I thought I’d keep my promise to stay alive, to stay determined. But I didn’t, I just failed myself. I know I was doing good, keeping up with the stress and all. I kept on telling myself the next week will be better, the next month will be easier, but they never were. It never ends. And tonight, I realized that. No matter how much I think that the long exams and projects will soon be over, those subjects never seem to run out of sadistic tasks for me to accomplish. I’m really really tired. And tonight, I finally gave in; no more masks of determination or perseverance. My emotions overpowered my will.


It’s that heavy feeling again, the one that creeps behind me and slowly pulls me down. It’s like carrying 5 chemistry books in one hand while the other hand’s busy joggling my statistics and psych books, and I’m about to lose control and let all the books fall into the mud.

***

I can't wait for the holidays. And by that I meant the ones that do not require me to study for exams or to cram a multimedia presentation.

then what?

Got this one from a blockmate. Read read!

The Sacrament of Waiting by Fr. James Donelan, S.J.

The English poet John Milton once wrote that those who serve stand and wait. I think I would go further and say that those who wait render the highest form of service. Waiting requires more discipline, more self-control and emotional maturity, more unshakeable faith in our cause, more unwavering hope in the future, more sustaining love in our hearts than all the great deeds of derring-do that go by the name of action.

Waiting is a mystery—a natural sacrament of life. There is a meaning hidden in all the times we have to wait. It must be an important mystery because there is so much waiting in our lives.

Everyday is filled with those little moments of waiting—testing our patience and our nerves, schooling us in our self-control— pasensya na lang. We wait for meals to be served, for a letter to arrive, for a friend, concerts and circuses. Our airline terminals, railway stations, and bus depots are temples of waiting filled with men and women who wait in joy for the arrival of a loved one—or wait in sadness to say goodbye and to give that last wave of hand. We wait for birthdays and vacations; we wait for Christmas. We wait for spring to come or autumn—for the rains to begin or stop.

And we wait for ourselves to grow from childhood to maturity. We wait for those inner voices that tell us when we are ready for the next step. We wait for graduation, for our first job, our first promotion. We wait for success, and recognition. We wait to grow up—to reach the stage where we make our own decision.

We cannot remove this waiting from our lives. It is part of the tapestry of living—the fabric in which the threads are woven that tell the story of our lives.

Yet the current philosophies would have us forget the need to wait. “Grab all the gusto you can get.” So reads one of America’s great beer advertisements— Get it now. Instant pleasure—instant transcendence. Don’t wait for anything. Life is short—eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow you’ll die. And so they rationalize us into accepting unlicensed and irresponsible freedom—premarital sex and extramarital affairs—they warn against attachment and commitment, against expecting anything of anybody, or allowing them to expect anything of us, against vows and promises, against duty and responsibility, against dropping any anchors in the currents of our life that will cause us to hold and to wait.

This may be the correct prescription for pleasure—but even that is fleeting and doubtful. What was it Shakespeare said about the mad pursuit of pleasure? “Past reason hunted, and once had, past reason hated.” Now if we wish to be real human beings, spirit as well as flesh, souls as well as heart, we have to learn to love someone else other than ourselves.

For most of all waiting means waiting for someone else. It is a mystery brushing by our face everyday like stray wind or a leaf falling from a tree. Anyone who has ever loved knows how much waiting goes into it, how much waiting is important for love to grow, to flourish through a lifetime.

Why is this so? Why can’t we have love right now—two years, three years, five years—and seemingly waste so much time? You might as well ask why a tree should take so long to bear fruit, the seed to flower, carbon to change into a diamond.

There is no simple answer, no more than there is to life’s demands: having to say goodbye to someone you love because either you or they have already made other commitments, or because they have to grow and find the meaning of their own lives, having yourself to leave home and loved ones to find your path. Goodbyes, like waiting, are also sacraments of our lives.

All we know is that growth—the budding, the flowering of love needs patient waiting. We have to give each other time to grow. There is no way we can make someone else truly love us or we love them, except through time. So we give each other that mysterious gift of waiting—of being present without making demands or asking rewards. There is nothing harder to do than this. It tests the depth and sincerity of our love. But there is life in the gift we give.

So lovers wait for each other until they can see things the same way, or let each other freely see things in quite different ways. What do we lose when lovers hurt each other and cannot regain the balance and intimacy of the way they were? They have to wait—in silence—but still be present to each other until the pain subsides to an ache and then only a memory, and the threads of the tapestry can be woven together again in a single love story.

What do we lose when we refuse to wait? When we try to find short cuts through life, when we try to incubate love and rush blindly and foolishly into a commitment we are neither mature nor responsible enough to assume? We lose the hope of ever truly loving or being loved. Think of all the great love stories of history and literature. Isn’t it of their very essence that they are filled with the strange but common mystery—that waiting is part of the substance, the basic fabric—against which the story of that true love is written?

How can we ever find either life or love if we are too impatient to wait for it?

But isn't this what all girls have been doing? All our lives, we've been waiting and hoping that faithful day would come. But then, when exactly do we know that it's time to stop waiting? Do we actually stop? And if everyone else (boys and girls) thinks waiting is the best thing to do, who then will be the one to make the move? We keep on waiting till we get tired of it then? Hmmm.

But what can I do right? It's my job to wait, and probably soon enough, everything will pay off. Hopefully.

calm down

Pagod na pagod na ako.

I keep on telling myself to push a little further, to take some more baby steps until I get to the end. Everything will be over soon. In less than two months, I’d get my much-awaited rest. But then if you think about it, that would be two more months of physical, intellectual and emotional turmoil. There are those days (or nights) when you feel like giving up already and just letting everything fall into place(and hopefully they would). Like you no longer want to think about what’s going to happen to your exam tomorrow, what will happen to tomorrow’s report or to your unfinished homework.

You just don’t fucking care anymore.

:-s

Why do people aim for perfection?

Why can't people aim for the lowest instead of the highest?

How come people don't know when enough is enough?

Why do people stress themselves out so much for something they won't feel satisfied on in the end?

Why does everything have to depend on time?

Why can't people ever be sure of anything?

Why give all this time and energy and passion for something people can never be sure of?

Why take risks?

Why not just let things come to us, since I think things eventually will?

Why do people ask?

Why do people make things complicated, when in fact they really are very simple?

Why can't people realize that an apple is red just because it is?

Why question when you know you won't get any answers?


It's one of those nights when I feel like lying down, but not to sleep, just to think. And then I begin to ask these questions, random and unrelated. I'm not waiting for answers or reasons behind my questions because I know these queries are sometimes not meant to be answered. They're just questions, kind of like rhetorical questions, but the only thing that makes these questions different is how they make me think about of them no matter how much I try not to.

you llllliiiiieeee

This is a pretty senseless game, but I like it anyway. What age will I get married?

[X] I know how to make a cup of coffee. This is of course when we're talking about instant 3 in 1 coffee.
[ ] I keep track of dates using a calendar. A planner's different from a calendar right? :-?
[ ] I own more than one credit card.
[ ] I know how to change the oil in my car/bike.
[ ] I do my own laundry.
[X] I vote every election.
[X] I can cook for myself. Breakfast food or fried food only.
[ ] I think politics is exciting.
[ ] I balance my checkbook.
[X] My parents have better things to say than my friends.

total: 4

[X] I show up for school/college/work everyday early.
[ ] I always carry a pen in my pocket/purse.
[X] I've never gotten a detention.
[X] I have never tried drugs.
[X] I have never gotten completely trashed.
[ ] I have forgotten my own birthday at least once.
[X] I like to take walks by myself.
[X] I've watched talk shows.
[X] I know what 'credibility' means without looking it up.
[X] I drink coffee at least once a week.

total: 8

[X] I know how to do the dishes
[X] I can count 1 to 10 in another language
[X] When I say I'm going to do something I do it.
[X] My parents trust me.
[ ] I can mown the lawn.
[ ] I can make adults laugh without being stupid.
[ ] I remember to water the plants.
[X] I study when I have to.
[X] I pay attention at school/college.
[ ] I remember to feed my pets. I don't have one :|

total: 6

[X] I can spell 'experience' without looking it up.
[ ] I work out on a regular basis.
[X] I clean up my own mess.
[ ] The people at Gloria Jeans know me by name.
[ ] My favorite kind of food is takeout.
[X] I have gained weight since middle/high school. =(( =(( =((
[ ] The first thing I do when I wake up is get caffeine.
[ ] I can't go out of the store without getting something I don't need.
[ ] I understand political jokes the first time they are said. Politics = boring
[ ]I can type quickly.

total: 3

[ ] I have realized that the weather forecast changes every hour.
[ ] My only friends are from my place of employment.
[ ] I have been to a Tupperware party. What the hell is a Tupperware party?
[ ] I have realized that no one will take you seriously unless you are over the age of 25 and have a job.
[ ] I have more bills that I can pay.
[ ] Most of my friends are older than I am
[X] I can say no to staying out all night.
[X] I use the internet every day.
[X] My wardrobe hasn't changed for a while.
[X] I can read a book and actually finish it.

total: 4

add up all the numbers. total = 25 :|

NOOOOO. The survey lies. I can't get married at 25, I'd still be in med school during that time. And besides, who wants to get married at a super young age anyway? Certainly not me. Nah-uh, screw the survey. =)) =))

in between sleep and study

I seriously have a sleeping problem now. For almost four hours, all I have been doing is sleeping or dozing off every 30 minutes of "studying" that I end up forgetting what I have read for chem lab exam tomorrow. And it's starting to get scary since now, I feel so unprepared for the exam tomorrow. :(( :(( :(( Why am I sleeping? Why can't I stay awake and clamor for more chem time? I know I should sleep and try to wake up earlier tomorrow to finish studying, but I fear that waking up early might not be as effective as it were during high school.

So I say slap slap slap myself to keep me awake until i don't know, 3am? and then sleep till I get bored of it. :-< I'm screwed that way, I know.

when fools rush in

Erik Erikson states that adolescents ages 16-21 are in the conflict of identity versus role confusion. It’s during this period that we are on the search of our own identity, supposedly not influenced by friends or other people around us. Failing to realize who we are, what we’re good at, what our passion is or on what part of society we belong delays the period of adolescence. And worse, delay leads to role confusion. In simple words, role confusion is not being able to identify ourselves among others that we are likely to copy or imitate instead of creating our own unique persona. Other than role confusion, Erikson states that we can’t really advance into the next stage, young adulthood, if we fail adolescence. In young adulthood, it’s an argument between intimacy and isolation. And this is where we begin to think. How many friends do I know have had relationships during the adolescence period? A LOT. And how many of these relationships last? Only 5 or 7% did.

Relationships during adolescence barely last primarily because it’s just not time for those things. Adolescence focuses on gaining our identity, and by identity it doesn’t mean knowing us as the girlfriends or boyfriends of [insert partner’s name here]. I don’t think anyone wants to be known that way, right right? But why then do we continue to want a relationship? Why do we keep on hoping and waiting someone would approach us and tell us he or she likes us? Why do we even entertain this kind of thoughts despite knowing that now isn’t the right time to think about intimacy? The theories are there, laid out flat for us, to grab and to hold, but we refuse to follow them or worse ignore them, because we'd rather let our own selves take their own course in dealing with such things. And by not minding the theories, we end up defeated still. The facts win, our own foolish selves lose.

If everything is supported by a theory, that would mean everything is provided with a reason right? But then why when we are asked to provide a meaning for something, we can't readily give reasons for things? We end up dumbfounded, unintelligent and naive of why things are.

11:11 PM

August really isn't the best month. The only things keeping me alive now are breakfast food for dinner, received messages from random people and plastic covered text books and pocket books. And what about the things that are killing me? :-<

***

I want my own tarot deck. I want answers to my questions. NOW.

***

08.08.08 this Friday. It's supposed to be a lucky day, so let's keep our fingers crossed. YAY.



All that I have is all that I forgot to say, all that made you run away.

by-line's are never overrated

When was the last time I wrote something – something worth reading, insightful, substantial? It’s been more than six months since I was last given a minute assignment for KATIPUNAN. The last article I wrote was a news feature on the newly elected Sanggunian officers. I worked hard on that article, knowing that it would be my first full page article to be published. After waiting for more than six months, no news was given about the publication. I never told anyone how hard it was for me to accept that even once, I was not granted the chance to see my by-line in sections of the magazine other than the minutes pages. But still, I continued to hang on to KATIPUNAN hoping that I would get my big break soon.

Nonetheless, let me indulge myself with the freedom to publish my article. Just so that I'd be able to say that it was indeed "published".

On Relevance of Student Governance

By Almira V. Uy

The Sanggunian ng mga Mag-aaral recently surprised everyone, including its own officers, with the resignation of its current president Karl Satinitigan. Apart from his resignation, other top Sanggu officers also resigned from their posts late last year explaining that they have chosen to prioritize their studies above anything else. Meanwhile, Satinitigan’s signing off from his post was only revealed to public after Cabrei Cabreira, appointed Sanggu president, announced on February 7 her taking-over. The issues surrounding the Sanggunian now triggered the student body to question the relevance and visibility of the Student Council to the Ateneo community.

Reasons behind its fallback

Satinitigan’s resignation is not considered as the sole reason for the Sanggu’s current rocky situation. But losing Satinitigan is compared as to being “beheaded” as Pepi Sison (BS HSc ’10), SY 2008-2009 Secretary General states. She tells how the Student Council has become a handicapped system after Satinitigan left. The remaining officers are obliged to take up more workload in replacement of those who have left the Council. Aside from Cabrera replacing Satinitigan, other representatives take up the positions of the officers who resigned along with the obligations they hold. However, Satinitigan’s resignation is only part of the problems that Sanggu continues to experience. Newly elected Sanggunian president Omi Castañar (AB DevS ’09) tells that Satinitigan’s resignation must “not be an excuse” for the rest of the Sanggunian to not fulfill their responsibilities for the student body. There are 43 other officers who can work together and accomplish the tasks left behind.

“One of the main problems about the Sanggu was how the Council does not assert its roles as a representation of the community,” Castañar relates. The Sanggunian has failed to communicate between and among the students. Lack of interaction with the community has led to doubts on Sanggu’s visibility to the students. This leads to the issue of the alarming number of abstainees from the past and current elections. Candidates running for different positions have lost to abstain, mainly because, as the student voters defend, they [voters] were not familiar to the candidates of both parties. They believe that choosing to abstain is more efficient than voting for candidates they do not know. Nonetheless, Sison defends that voters who abstain mainly chose to do so, not because of apathy, but simply due to unfamiliarity or unawareness of the candidates.

In addition to lack of representation to the community, Sanggu, as Castañar states, has failed to support its roles to other organizations, including sectors and units. Primarily, the Sanggunian is elected by the students in order for the Council to extend its hands to other organizations within the community and to organize events for the sectors and units. The Sanggunian originally possessed the mandate to handle everything; however, privatization problems have occurred and have led Sanggu to leave all the projects to the decision of the different orgs. This situation has revealed Sanggu’s lack of coordination with regards to organizing events and managing the organizations. “Sanggu has shown itself as an inefficient body filled with problems,” says Castañar.

Apart from issues on representation, Sison adds that “lack of permanency” has become a problem for the Sanggunian. She considers that a year is not enough for their projects to be fully accomplished. The secretary-general says that there is no continuity of work and goals; the inability of completing all the designed projects for one year signify not appreciating or understanding what a certain project would give to the student body. Moreover, the differences in the goals or platforms of each batch of officers contribute to the partial completion of the previous projects.

Party Politics?

Besides the external issues experienced by Sanggu, internal party politics has been rumored to have affected the working force of Sanggu. Party politics covers the issue on certain political parties working together under one student council. Representatives from Ibig Agila, Partido Ignacio or independent partisans are expected by the voters to disregard the parties they’re coming from and work together as a single group. In line with this, Sison, who have worked with Sanggu for more than two years, firmly believes that there is no party politics going on inside the Sanggunian. “Those are just rumors,” Sison said. Furthermore, she adds that party politics may have occurred only during campaign periods, but other than that, the officers work well with each other. Also, Sison says that they [officers] do not choose the people they work with, but leave it to the student body’s decision. In line with Sison’s statements, Jojo Dumrique (AB MEco ’11), SOSS Executive Officer, states that having political parties enable the representatives to have their personal principles agree with their respective parties. Belonging to a party means having people back you up and support your beliefs when it comes to serving the student body.

Meanwhile, issues on independent partisans are considered another story. Castañar who ran independently during the most recent elections, admits that the most common problem of autonomous candidates like him is finding resources. Campaign materials, number of supporters and the campaign itself are the main problems an independent candidate like Castañar had to put up with. He also says that two weeks is not enough for the candidates to introduce themselves to the voters and for the partisans to explain their platforms. Moreover, being independent, Castañar fears that students would vote for him, only because he was different from the rest of the candidates. He wanted the students to vote for him because they share a common belief through his platforms. Nonetheless, Castañar remains thankful for having won the 2008-2009 Sanggu elections.

Two-way Blame

However, for an effective Student Council to be fully appreciated, it must be a two-way process. Aside from the Sanggunian working for the student body, the students are entitled to help Sanggu as well. And as the issue on relevance has been opened, students are expected to react and to voice out whatever they have to say about Sanggu. The Gadfly Society, which published its comments on the net regarding Satinitigan’s non-enrollment, opened ways, in Castañar’s opinion, for students to realize what has been happening to the Student Council. The group’s statement triggers questions on the part of the readers and to those who are concerned about the issue. Moreover, Dumrique indicates that Gadfly Society gave off a sign that Sanggu must start giving the students what they need and what they want. Otherwise students, other than Gadfly Society, would continue to awaken and to help students realize the issues concerning the Sanggunian.

Defining relevance from irrelevance

And as a new year is given to Sanggu, the Council is given the chance to prove its relevance to the whole community. And to be relevant, according to Dumrique, is to be able to show that one fulfills his part and continues to show his purpose. Meanwhile, Sison relates that being irrelevant is not answering the students’ needs. Along with this, she indicates that a reason why students think that Sanggu has become irrelevant to them is because there is no leveling of expectations. “Hindi nagtutugma. [they both do not coincide.]” And in order for both sides to appreciate each other, there must be a leveling of expectations. Students should be able to know what the Sanggunian can do for them, and what the students expect Sanggu to do for them as well.

On Gaining Back the Trust

In order to bring back the relevance and the original reputation of the Sanggunian, certain steps must be taken by the Council. Castañar shares that the main solution is to gain back the trust of the students and the organizations. This is accomplished by simultaneously working with other groups in order to obtain proper coordination. A lot of projects have been organized in the past years, but little participations have been given to these activities. Castañar believes that if these organizations who come up with projects serving the same purpose can group together to form a bigger project, better feedback can be expected. Aside from that, Dumrique emphasizes on focusing on quality versus quantity. This involves knowing what the basic needs of the students are and concentrating on these essentials. Furthermore, he states that the Sanggunian officers must set an example as student leaders to the rest of the student body. And to be effective student leaders means being able to give service to their constituents and balancing work with their academics.

With these steps, Sanggu may still be capable of changing its reputation and proving its relevance to the Ateneo community. “It will be a year of change,” says Castañar. Although these changes do not refer to radical changes in the constitutions, he affirms that the Sanggunian will continue doing their job and what they are supposed to do. And this involves gaining back the trust and improving Sanggu’s poor performance, as reflected by the students’ opinions. It will be a change of identity, from being irrelevant to a stronger and more transparent Student Council. Sison adds that as it becomes a year of change, the Sanggunian continues to learn from the past and to make up for the mistakes it has committed.

prodigal child i am not

Good morning July 27. Because sleep hasn't come yet, and because I think my mind's too tired to start studying for my general psychology long exam, let me steal some of my time contemplating on how bad of a daughter i was being a few hours ago.

I feel so bad, I want to slap myself for even thinking what I was thinking a few hours ago. It was unacceptable, it was insensitive, and yet it can be comparable to me. :-< So okay, it started with a phone call telling me they'd be coming here in qc tomorrow afternoon. Trying to calm myself even if deep down I wanted to shout, I replied on the phone, 'Okay, kayo bahala.' and in a very cold manner for that matter. You see, my schedule's like this right now: Weekdays are for weekday events including school and after school activities; Saturdays are spent pleasing God by NSTP and Kythe, which are both by the way not thought of as hassle to my schedule; and Sundays are spent studying and taking one-hour breaks going to mass (yay, 3 Sundays straight already). But after that call, my schedule has been screwed. Okay, so I finished postlab report earlier than expected, but still the schedule must be followed. How am I suppose to study for psych now that probably 5 or 6 hours of study time would possibly be spent touring them around somewehere? I want to study. I want to ace that long exam on Monday.

See see, I'm such an ungrateful child right? My parents are going out of their way just to drive to qc to visit me and here I am, complaining that they're coming. Gaaah, so out with the negative and in with the positive. Isipin na lang, it will be 5 or 6 hours wasted on shopping and spending quality time with them. Great. :)

***

Random: I'm hoping the book sale in de la costa's still there till next week, 'cause I'm planning to reward myself with a new book if I get a high grade in one of my exams. Probably a Murakami or a Nick Hornby book, isa lang okay.

defective hippocampus

I just realized that I left my PE bag along with my slippers and vanity kit inside my locker. How can I possibly forget? Hmm, lemme see.

***

I woke up today before 6AM, that’s 3 and a half hours of sleep to you. I actually can’t remember if I fell asleep at 11PM or 1AM, all I know is there’s a number “one” in my digital clock when I took a last look of the time before lying down on my bed. For the past weeks, I haven’t been very good with managing my time that I end up sleeping really really late then waking up 3 or 4 hours later, primarily because of crammed lab reports, readings, notes and other non-academic activities. I miss my 8 hours of sleep. :-<

The weather’s like chemistry lab, it’s just two units, but then this petty two-unit subject ends up frustrating you and subconsciously forces you to focus on it instead of the more important subjects. I mean, the weather’s there. You actually can’t do anything about it, but still you try not minding until you end up getting angry ‘cause it’s just too hot and irritating not to think about the sticky feeling you get from the weather.

Pain is important, so says my physiology professor who by the way is a professor and at the same an anesthesiologist. Have I mentioned this before already? I just find it very philosophical, to think it’s coming from a class which enjoys talking about the names of cranial nerves and the muscles in the hand. My prof said, pain must be present because if not, we would not know which are the parts that need to be fixed, or to be healed for that matter.

something for me

It's nice to know that you're being constantly reminded of the things you have to be thankful for. You realize there's no reason to be sad after all, no reason to turn your back on Him. 'Cause even if you're not destined to have everything, it's relieving to understand that there are things you deserve to have or meant to achieve. I mean, God's not that evil to give you nothing and everything at the same time right?

i can't even come up with a reason to explain

It’s that time of the year when almost everyone feels sad, defeated, lost, melancholic, nervous, and generally jaded. It seems like we’ve run out of our happiness pill supply, almost all at the same time. Why so? Because I’ve been reading a handful of blog entries expressing this common feeling that I, too, am experiencing. But then again, maybe this is just a season, just a phase, just a moment. What if it’s not? What if it continues to be a lingering memory, permanently empowering all of us?

life of post-it's and arranged marriages

Let me tell you something about love – love for the other, and love for the rest. Throughout the years of this pursuit to figure out what’s out there for me and to wait if there is something or someone out there for me, there are those periods when you just want to give up on it, when you just want to not think about it, and when you regret ever realizing that someday you have to end up with someone, thus unconsciously forcing yourself to begin the pursuit of finding this someone. But disregarding those times of no longer wanting to be loved by the other, there are more hours and days that you wished and prayed really hard that today is the day you’d meet that person. You dress up everyday, try to look your best in the hope that someone will take a double look at you and then you silently whisper in your mind “Ha! This is finally the day.” But the thing is, how many days have you experienced that moment? How many times have you told yourself that this is the day you are bound to meet the other? How can you actually tell that this person passing by and looking at you would be the person you are bound to end up with in the end? How can you measure the probability that things will work out, that things would never end?

If everyone’s bound to love someone and be loved in return, why does God prefer to make things complicated for us? I often wish that arranged marriages was a rule written in stone, so that each one of us is sure to have someone beside us, to eat with us, to raise a family with us, and eventually join us in forever-dom. If all of us were arranged by our ancestors to marry someone, we wouldn’t have to go through all the fuss of searching for other people since the other is there already, sure and steady. And according to my psychology professor, arranged marriages are more effective than those “true love” ones. Couples who are arranged have a greater chance of surviving the marriage compared to those couples who thought they were in love with each other. Now wouldn’t be happier and a whole lot easier for everyone? Nobody’s going to end up alone and miserable. That, for me, should be the main goal of life. To live a life without misery. Why live if you are bound to end up miserable anyway? This may sound vague now, but I know as soon as I start reaching my 20’s and later on (hopefully not) experience a quarter-life crisis, I should remember that I said this, that I promised myself I would be a happier person as soon as that time comes. But for now, let me suck all the misery life has to give. This is, of course, exaggerated.

And if arranged marriage doesn’t work or isn’t clear enough, why can’t life include post-it’s or labels to remind you if it’s good meat or bad meat. This is too absurd I know, but if you think about it, you’d realize how efficient it would be if people had post-it’s invisibly wrapped around them and are visible only to those who are looking at them. Like if you’re in the library, you go sit in the middle of the study area and look around for people of your opposite or same sex and “see” their labels. One says “bad meat” or “good for 3 months only” or “don’t even think about it” or “he/she will just break your heart”, now wouldn’t that be easier? And then there’d be this golden post-it that reads “the other”. Surely, this wouldn’t be an easy task to accomplish, as you’ve seen in the film Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. But what makes labels easier is not making you risk a big chunk of yourself on something you’re unsure of. The other is there, a moving target you are supposed to search for, or may also be the other way around. But the more important point is, there is a target, there is a the other. And if God’s so good, He wouldn’t make us wait so long to discover the other.

Okay, time to work.

am i living it right?

I want to talk about my dreams. I want to talk about my sentiments over stoichiometry and incompetent chemistry professors. I want to talk about my problems on school, love, decisions and goals. But I can’t.

it's all your fault

Ever had that feeling where in something you tried so hard to forget suddenly surprises you and catches you off guard? And because of that you find yourself dumbfounded with nothing but a groan for a reply. You curse yourself for letting all those shit come back to life after you've put so much effort avoiding them and disappearing from them. And yet in the end, they find their way back to you easily.

Oh boy. *huge sigh*

This is just to remind me that I remembered something I wasn't supposed to. Good job me.

packets of sunshine

Happiness comes in pairs... and in the color red. :)) :)) sabaw post. things/events/people that recently made my life easier and lighter. thank youuuu. >:D<

...it's like the whole world stops to listen.

Dong Le

Remember when people usually say ‘opposites attract’? And how much chick flicks or other romantic movies or novels usually tell us how a jock can fall for a nerd, more so a loser? And in turn, we are thought to believe that our own fantasies will soon come true? That someday, someone who we thought least to be the person we’d end up with proposes to us on bended knees, and asking us to be theirs? Ah, the common daydream for everyone di ba? Well, we (that includes me) have been living a lie. Opposites do not attract. Cool people and losers do not mix well. People of the same kind stick together, forever. And that fantastic dream we all wish about romantic happy ending? My general psychology professor revealed this eye-opener to us on one hot day in June, while we were all just too full of an unbearable session in Statistics. All that and more.

***

Psychology, in my opinion, has this tendency of breaking people’s beliefs and values in a way that it doesn’t actually mean doing so. Maybe the whole ruining our desires thought may be a very biased opinion. It’s probably more of a realization rather than that of a mess-up. It reveals to you things that you never thought cannot be explained or experienced by other people. Also, psychology shows you the truths about things you first were true, but in fact weren’t. And to be honest, it makes life a lot more complicated than you think it is. Nonetheless, the subject makes me love my course even more. Imagine me having the power to preach about things normal people aren’t aware of, and I can see how their (my sisters) eyes widen when they realize that they too have been living a lie. Power, yes, and control.

***

Chinois (in French) or simply Chinese is another great subject. I love it. I regret that I usually sleep or space out during my Mandarin tutorials 10 years ago and having to repeat everything now. I should know how to speak in Mandarin, but no, I acted like an indifferent girl who doesn’t want to learn anything other than English or Filipino back then. But now, wow! I seriously look forward to every Mandarin session in that cramped up room where you can almost catch your professor’s saliva whenever she pronounces the syllable ‘chr’. But other than that, I love it. I want to master this language and test myself by going to Binondo and talking to those Chinese folks. And if I find myself lucky, I can probably find a Mandarin-fluent boyfriend who can tutor me for free. Hahaha. Kidding kidding. Tong pe tong? (Do you understand?) I don’t think I got the spelling right though. And now I begin to envy those Chinese kids who don’t have any problems speaking Mandarin or Fookien or Cantonese. I mean, I don’t think they had to go through this whole fuss of knowing what tone to use or what spelling to write, right? Unlike me who has been desperately trying to roll my tongue to say the words right. I want to learn, and I shall learn. Wait for my future posts in which I’ll be speaking nosebleed Mandarin. HAHAHA.

***

Last insight before I go home (because apparently, it’s been almost two weeks that I do not have internet K). Is it me or is the weather has been totally screwed up? So morning I wake up and it’s hot already even with the aircon running. Come afternoon, around 4PM, and suddenly it starts to rain real hard. And the weird thing is that it seems like there’s an exact hour when the rain pours. 4 in the afternoon. And then it usually lasts for about an hour. It’s been like that for three days straight, and I have no idea why the weather’s like that. They said Quezon City’s the only one experiencing that kind of weather. Thank God Metro Manila isn’t. People living there would all have gotten sick by now if it were like that. Too much heat in the Metro.

***

I’m not sure if it’s obvious, but I can tell it is. My writing sort of changed in this post. Too many phrases. Too many dependent clauses. Too many repeated and unrecognized words. My style changes, but not for long. I don’t really like it this way. I need to get back to that old self.

first day of school

My friend was telling me last night how she got tired of updating her blog and literally letting it die in one corner without being noticed or checked out. And somehow, I felt the same thing. To be honest, the only reason why I’m writing a post now is just to keep the archives section updated. But other than that, I find no other reason to think and to write something. Also, I saw a blog with a recent post on writer’s block. So I thought, probably I’m not the only one losing my excitement for writing. Maybe, there are other bloggers around there feeling too lazy to bother signing in to their separate blogs and coming up with something to say. Blah. Do you even get what I’m saying? Two posts in a row that I’ve been writing sabaw posts, and and that’s not good. :| Oh well, I’ll be waiting for something good to come up. HAHAHA.

Well actually something exciting did happen – OrSem 2008 baby! And I was part of the logistics committee. Yay! More kwento soon. Not really in the mood to tell my amazing stories. :))

[i was too excited, i forgot to write a title]

And so this to mark the 18^th year of my existence and the first day of adulthood and logically, the end of my adolescence. So what happens exactly at the strike of midnight? Err, nothing. I mean you’d be too groggy to even realize that June 2 ended already and it’s hello June 3! But what the heck, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.

A very good friend asked me hours ago if I was excited, and I immediately answered that I wasn’t. However a few days back, my mom asked the same question, but I gave a different answer. I told my mom I was super excited about my coming birthday and about the things I’ve been planning for that day. But tonight felt different. Maybe it’s because as the faithful day draws nearer, the more anxious the person might feel? Well, that’s what has been happening in my case. Anxiety over the things to do on my supposedly special day or people who will or will not remember my birthday or feeling the zest that it is in fact my birthday. I’m honestly scared that I may not be as happy as I expected myself to be. I mean I want to be happy, I want to jump and feel the tingling feeling that I am officially legal. But what if I am not? If I wouldn’t be happy, how would I feel then?

Nonetheless, screw my feelings and my anxiety. Birthdays are supposed to be fun no matter how old the celebrant is. As long as I’m not celebrating it alone or with people I never wished to be with today, I’m good. I’ll survive this day. And with that, happy birthday once more.